Need a motto for dealing with DD's tznius

amother

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 12:11 pm

Zehava, you're right that I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to her. I can't relate to her and I can't figure her out. When I've tried to enforce a dress code, she just ignores me and does what she wants, or she discounts me with 'oh mom', like I'm just being overprotective.

Black Sheep, I don't think her dress would fall under chutzpa or even bad behavior. And her dress didn't get this problematic until recently. I don't think she's doing any of this to hurt me. I think she's just trying to be beautiful and get attention.

I've been trying to figure her behavior out, and I can only guess that maybe shes trying to find a way to stand out, be unique, be special. In her own eyes.

justcallmeima

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 3:22 pm

Sometimes teenagers do things for "shock value". IME when you completely ignore what she's wearing, she will try other things to get your attention. (often not such good things) You might be surprised to discover that she would really love to go for coffee with you once a week and just talk. Ignore the outer appearance, and just give her attention. That's most likely what she wants.

amother

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 4:02 pm

My motto with my most challenging child was:
No particular issue, behavior or interaction is as important as maintaining a good relationship with your child.

(A longer way of saying "Pick your battles" but more like, avoid battles as much as possible.
Try to have the highest possible percentage of positive or at least neutral interactions
"Thank you for clearing the table" "Don't forget your lunch, I made your favorite dessert" etc.
and the minimum of negative (or admonishing or critical) interactions.

(Therefore, try to give mussar, if you must, sandwiched between compliments, in a humorous way etc)

Also: A child needs your love most when they are being most unlovable.

(I found Rabbi Orlowek's books eye-opening. My Child My Disciple, My Disciple My Child, Raises Roses Among the Thorns)

black sheep

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 4:15 pm

amother wrote:

Well, based on what you are saying and the fact that she is almost 18, I would say just look past what she is wearing and build your relationship with her. Take her out alone for lunch or dinner, spend time bonding, show her acceptance instead of judgement.