Help me not be jealous

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 8:29 am

To put it mildy, I am insanely jealous of so many people. I know its wrong and I need help overcoming this terrible middah. It is so hard for me to accept the fact that so many people own houses and we don't. It bothers me so much that my brothers/sisters in law who are learning in kollel have houses that they own and my husband and I, both full time hardworking people can barely make ends meet. It just seems so unfair. We bring in a good living BH, but we have such high expenses, mostly due to previous debt that accumulated, and so we are barely making it month to month. We are not spenders and even though we live frugally, it's not enough to make it to the end of the month. We are living in a three bedroom apartment, sharing ONE bathroom with six people. It is so depressing. We are desperate to move, but cannot afford the crazy costs of renting now. I know that money comes from Hashem and I keep telling myself that this is what Hashem wants, but it is eating me up inside that we are living in a dump while it seems like everyone else is having the good life. Any ideas to change my attitude?

kollel wife

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 8:43 am

When things get me down I try to be thankful for what I have.
Firstly, if you have two kids rooms, that should help with kids waking each other a lot at night.
I have a neighbor with five kids in one small room and the baby who's not so little in the parents room, waking up all night.
Be thankful when it's cold how cozy and warm you are indoors, do you have carpet, coats, blankets?
Can you enjoy and be thankful for them.
Be thankful you can pay your bills, you are no longer accruing debt.
One day you will get out of your debt. Be thankful then you will earning more than just what you need.

Rabbi Avigdor Miller says to bentch the other person you are jealous of. When you see his house, his kids dressed to the "hilt"?? Say Hashem bentch him with health, parnassa, shalom bayis.

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 9:01 am

Unfortunately, I don't have a good answer for you. If its any consolation, you should realize that you are not alone in terms of jealousy. I suspect many people are jealous of others. Poor people are jealous of people with more money, and people with a little more money are equally jealous of the people with more money than them. I think even very wealthy people try very hard to keep up or outdo each other because of jealousy.

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 10:50 am

I totally relate. We also in a not so great financial situation despite good degrees. Unfortunately with the recession, we are being paid enough for bills bh but not enough to save etc. it is so hard. I also have a sister in law who is very comfortable and does not need to worry about work. She is also very private which makes me feel even worse. I feel rotten for being jealous but it really is unfair how easily it comes to her and how hard and frustrating it is. I know its not right to feel this way but I cant help bng resentful. Its so hard not to have control!!!!

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 11:08 am

We are struggling too, despite decent professions. Our medical and therapy bills are ruining us. My father and brother live it up. They travel all over, vacation, one has two planes (yes, planes), they own a lot of cars. They are completely oblivious to our struggles. I said something once, and my father cut me off, he said "Kid, it's your problem."
I envy neighbors who have the money for tutors for their kids. I also envy those who can make nice weddings, not freaking out about how they could possibly afford anything other than a chesed wedding. I stress if my kid needs shoes, needs the dentist, needs new glasses. Seminary? When I wasn't working, we had a lot of scholarships. Now? Don't know what to tell the child.
I try not to dwell. I have to keep on repeating to myself that I have so many brachos. Hope it eventually works.

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 11:10 am

amother wrote:

Everyone has their own issues. You might be jealous of my new home, but do not be jealous of my secondary infertility.
Remember that you can't pick and choose what you would want from someone else's life. It comes as a package.

I agree!

OP, DON'T BE SO ENVIOUS!! I B"H am financially comfortable and my parents bought us a house. My friends envy me. BUT, I suffer from terrible anxiety, for no reason!! My friends don't know that! PLEASE, don't think that whoever owns a house or has money is the luckiest person on planet earth! it irks me.

My life is not a life. I wish I was anxiety free!

Don't assume anything

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 3:08 pm

Hm. I lived for 15 years in a one-bathroom, 3-bedroom apt. with a family of 6, until some kids got married and the others went away to school. Before that we were 6 people in a TWO-bedroom, one bathroom apt. Maybe that's why I feel that we're living in a comparative palace. It would be really nice to have another bathroom, even now that it's just dh and me, but my parents grew up in one-bathroom households, my sister also has a one-bathroom household, and somehow we managed. When the kids were really small we'd keep a spare potty chair in the kids' room in case of emergency, and everyone knew that before they went in for an extended stay like a shower they had to announce it so anyone who needed to would use the facilities first. Sure it's a close call sometimes but there are worse things. My grandparents lived for years in a Lower East Side tenement with one bathroom on a floor, shared by all the apts. on that floor. I would hate to have to do that, but they survived. At least they didn't have an outhouse in the yard as some did!

Nobody can "make you" not be jealous. Or even "help you" not be jealous. There's nothing anyone will tell you that you don't already know intellectually: material comfort doesn't guarantee happpiness; just because people have stuff doesn't mean it's paid for, and it could get repossessed at any moment; what's important is health and nachas from the children, everything else is meaningless without that; everyone has their own peckalach and you wouldn't want anyone else's even if they're rolling in dough; don't look at people who have more material goods than you and be jealous but look at the multitudes who have so much less and be grateful to have what you have; don't look at what other people have, period; even the humblest little apt. today is warmer, more sanitary and more comfortable than a medieval king's castle; don't count the things you don't have, count the things you do have; practice being grateful every day for at least three things--literally say it aloud or write it down; etc. etc. etc. May I suggest doing a search on Aish.com for some inspirational reading?

It's all about ATTITUDE and only you can change yours.

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 3:11 pm

amother wrote:

This

cooksallday

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 3:58 pm

I really like this approach. It's so easy for me to be jealous of my friends/others, and I am constantly trying to work on that middah, but this helps me think of the things that I have that others may be secretly striving for. We can never know what someone else is going through, we just have to be thankful we have what we have. I hope you get a yeshua quickly!

amother wrote:

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 4:23 pm

zigi wrote:

I feel rich b/c I have hot water and a bathroom in my apt.

A couple of us friends jammed one day about what makes us feel rich. It was all little things. One friend would buy herself once a week a dixie cup of the most decadent ice cream she could find and curl up with that and the latest best-seller for an hour of bliss. Another trolled thrift shops for hand-washable silk blouses that she bought for less than $10 each. Everyone needs a little bit of luxury but you can train yourself to be happy with just that little bit.

sneakermom

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 4:36 pm

We have not yet bought a house. But we have a home. It has strong water pressure in the shower and you can adjust it to make it hot or cold. There's fresh fluffy towels. Indoor plumbing that works well and is a real luxury especially in middle of the night. We have beautiful wood floors and nice sunlight coming in as well as cross ventilation. The furniture has aged with us along the years but is still reliable and sturdy and often beautiful especially erev Shabbos. Our five kids manage their space and bathroom privelages on better days with grace and other times with arguments and fighting. But they are growing up in a close cozy space and Friday nights we sit all together with the Shabbos lamp on in their room and tell stories and sing. On cold winter days it's warm and inviting when you walk inside. There's other great amenities like closets to keep our belongings and a stock kitchen that was new when we moved in over a decade ago. The gas range has nice strong flames and we can cook all kinds of great meals. We also have neighbors for the kids to play with and many stores within walking distance. One day we will own a house but right now we are lucky to have a home.