HELP with succos plans!

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Succos

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amother

Mon, Jul 11 2005, 4:18 pm

So here's my situation:
My married brother lives a 6 hour plane ride away from the rest of my family. The rest of us live in the same city. My brother and his family have come to visit twice in this past year- for simchos- and their stay was short. Once was for about 4 days, the other, for 24 hours! Because of obligations to in-laws, my family has not been all together for a Yom Tov in over 13 years!
So, my brother is planning on flying in for succos so we can all spend it together. Now since he's doing this, he expects (ie. REALLY wants) all of us to be there all of Yom Tov - which is understandable and I'm very excited about it. Although my sister usually goes to her in-laws for succos, she's planning on staying home and maybe her in-laws will come to her for the last days.
Now, weeks ago, my mother-in-law asked me if we could come to them - they live a few hours away- for the first days of Yom Tov, because they want to go away for the second days. I told her then that I'll have to hear what my brother's plans are. So, now that I know my brother's plans, I don't know what to do. My mil will be very upset if we don't come, as she sort of expects that since we live in the same city as my parents, we should come to her for Yomim Tovim. The past 2 years, my parents have gone away for Succos, so we spent the whole Yom Tov with my in-laws. Pesach we split up - half at my parents/half at my in-laws. But, my brother (and maybe the rest of my family) will be upset if we "ruin" this one Yom Tov that we can have altogether. What should I do?

613

Mon, Jul 11 2005, 4:22 pm

what does your dh say?
could your in-laws come to you?

amother

Mon, Jul 11 2005, 4:25 pm

My husband said, "Well, you explain that to my mother, and it's fine with me!" Rolling Eyes

If we stayed here for Yom Tov, we would probably sleep at my parents because it's a pretty far walk. And it's hard for us to build a succah, because we live in an apt. building. I don't think my mother would want to host my in-laws and their other kids, too.

queen

Mon, Jul 11 2005, 4:27 pm

What kind of relationship do you have with your mil?

You DID tell her originally when she invited you that you were waiting to see what your brothers plans would be... Is she an understanding person?

Mommy912

Mon, Jul 11 2005, 5:01 pm

You are scaring me. Is it Succoss already? I just went shopping and saw back-to-school things. I am still up to summer.

Motek

Mon, Jul 11 2005, 5:39 pm

amother wrote:

he expects (ie. REALLY wants) all of us to be there all of Yom Tov - which is understandable and I'm very excited about it.

the Yom Tov is over a week long and I think it's perfectly acceptable to go to your in-laws for the first days and spend the rest of Yom Tov with your brother and the rest of your family

I think your m-i-l is right to feel upset since she wants to see you on Yom Tov and there is no reason why you can't go to her for the first days!

Quote:

my brother (and maybe the rest of my family) will be upset if we "ruin" this one Yom Tov that we can have altogether. What should I do?

and you WILL be together for MOST OF YOM TOV, just not the FIRST DAYS!

I think it would be highly unfair of him to "hog" you for the entire Yom Tov. Your in-laws deserve to have you for Yom Tov - for the first TWO DAYS.

It's not like you're talking about the WHOLE Yom Tov and either being there or not being there!

queen

Mon, Jul 11 2005, 5:39 pm

well..... 0613 clued us into there only being roughly 86 days left until rosh hashana- so I guess that means sukkos is only a short while later!

but yes, that was my reaction too- SUKKOS ALREADY?!?!???????

Pickle Lady

Mon, Jul 11 2005, 5:41 pm

amother wrote:

My husband said, "Well, you explain that to my mother, and it's fine with me!" Rolling Eyes

Your husband sounds wise....Your brother doesn't come often. I think your IL's will be OK if you didn't spend all of sukkos with them.

Motek

Mon, Jul 11 2005, 5:49 pm

She did NOT say her in-laws want them for ALL of Succos, but just the FIRST DAYS!

and I understood her husband's remark to mean that he does NOT think it's right not to spend any time with his parents, but if she can explain it, fine with him

in other words, HE is not offering to explain it to HIS MOTHER

amother: tell us, if it was entirely up to your husband, and you asked him what he wants to do, what does he say he wants?

gryp

Mon, Jul 11 2005, 6:04 pm

did I read wrong or did you say both sets of parents live in the same city?
there is no reason not to split up Yom Tov and go to both, you dont even have to travel like others have to when theysplit up yomtov.

Pickle Lady

Mon, Jul 11 2005, 6:16 pm

OOPPPS I am sorry...just don't have an experience in this department. This is a very foreign concept to me.

This is just my view....I think it depends on how often you see your brother and how often you see your inlaws. BUT unless you really don't care about seeing your brother.

I just don't get what the big deal about not going to your inlaws for one yontif. Go to them another yontif. There are 2 others. Rosh Hashnana or Yom Kippur. I don't get whats the big deal.

queen

Tue, Jul 12 2005, 12:09 am

my opinion is the husband should discuss it with his parents. otherwise potential to become a daughter in law/mother in law scenario. WHen it's a child with his parents can be delt with a lot simpler and straighter.

chavamom

Tue, Jul 12 2005, 12:14 am

queen wrote:

Yup, that.

chavamom

Tue, Jul 12 2005, 12:16 am

queen wrote:

well..... 0613 clued us into there only being roughly 86 days left until rosh hashana- so I guess that means sukkos is only a short while later!

GAH! I'm due iy'H on Rosh Hashana and having my own yom tov panic. A 'mere' 86 days away and I am be'H making a bar mitzvah, an upsherin, gettting the kids back to school (which school is still up in the air as well, yikes!) between now and then. DON'T REMIND ME!

IndyMom

Tue, Jul 12 2005, 12:19 am

Could you go to your in-laws for Rosh Hashanah? Wouldn't that solve the problem completely?

roza

Tue, Jul 12 2005, 1:17 am

Pickle Lady wrote:

I feel the same way...if you don't want to go to your mil on succos, you can go another time, whats the problem What

queen

Tue, Jul 12 2005, 2:23 am

what a good suggestion Indymom!

sarahd

Tue, Jul 12 2005, 4:07 am

If the in-laws will accept Rosh Hashana as a good alternative, that's a great idea. But lots of people consider Rosh Hashana not a very good time for guests. You're in shul most of the day (or with little children home alone most of the time in a house the kids don't really know) and how much time is there for visiting? Not to mention that the mood of the day isn't so conducive to socializing and family-together-time. Sukkos is such a different mood. But maybe the in-laws will find it acceptable. Worth a (tactful) try.

amother

Tue, Jul 12 2005, 2:03 pm

I spoke to my husband again. We had discussed the Rosh Hashana option. The only problem is that my husband would rather be at his own shul for Rosh Hashana - it is more of "his type" than my in-law's shul. But I think he'll be mvatter for me to be able to spend all of succos with my family. (What a sweety, right?)
The last time I spent a decent amount of time with my brother's family was Pesach 2004 - we were both at my parent's for the first days. Since then I saw his family twice, and both were very short visits.
I asked my husband if he would daven Rosh Hashana at another shul where my in-laws live, but that may get a little "sticky" - as in, our shul isn't good enough for you?

lucy

Wed, Jul 13 2005, 10:07 pm

amother whatever descion you make be happy with it. I don't think it would be such a big deal not to go to your inlaws for succos, considerring you forewarned her that you might not go, + you've spent the past 2 with them! As for Rosh HAshana, I would mention to your hubby it would be respectful for him to go to the same shul as his parents so they don't feel left out, unless ofcourse it is not to you standards of frumkite.

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