My 14yo dd is weird. Please help !!!

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 8:15 am

My daughter took till nineteen to learn about hygiene, tooth brushing.

It took her a while to realize that a mouth odor causes people to recoil.

It took her years to realize that if her favorite clothing is outgrown, she looks gross

I bit my lips every time she looked shabby at a simcha because she insisted on wearing a
skirt that lay on the floor three days, and wearing her security blanket shabos top for the
bubleenth time (it was pimply already).

She is not aspergers or slow or low IQ or low functioning. She is brilliant in more ways than one. However I think one part of her brain is somewhat not coordinated, hence her difficulty in understanding appearances and adjusting to socially appropriage behavior. and Considerate behavior.

We grinned and bore it. I took therapy to know when and what to say. I enlisted my husband because sometimes teenage girls are easier on the father.

Above all, always celebrate her as a unique human being. In your thoughts and your speech
no matter how unnerving she may get.

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 8:21 am

When your daughter blames:

Tell her that when we have problems we solve them. We try not to blame.

She may not be aware of such a concept of problem solving in real life.

She probably thinks problem solving is for the math workbook.

Also, she may not be aware that a person has to be considerate of people around them.

She may think consideration is a game to be used to "gefel" (to look good in the eyes of

teachers or friends) but it is not meant for mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers or anyone that
is beneath you, or people you have no use for.

TEACH HER THIS CONCEPT IN A SUBTLE, KIND WAY.

I have seen very nice people who are disgusting to anyone that doesnt count to them,
or anyone who will not destroy their social standing.

shaqued_almond

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 8:31 am

Hi,
so I totally agree with others here that you need to work on your relationship with your daughter for things to improve. Two other things you can consider:
1) she might be depressed and for her to even voice what the problem is might take a while
2) she might be very creative. Creative people tend to not be too orderly
3) to me the hygiene isn't good but I feel the red flag is rather that you say it is hard to understand her when she speaks. This coupled with the hygiene is a little frightening. Maybe buy something nice for her and have her choose. also if she's creative you can talk to her about aesthetics, I.e. how colors influence each other, or how orderliness actually is very beautiful

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 8:33 am

I'm glad I posted this anonymously Smile

I feel a tiny bit attacked (I'm probably highly sensitive about it). This is one/two tiny issues out of our entire relationships. of course it bothers me (that's why I posted for advice) but not everything else about our relationship is terrible b'h. I've already gone to therapy about what to do/how to speak with her - although I VERY much apprecated (and needed to hear that) evidently the therapist was ridiculous and I should find a better fit.
Having the dr speak to her is also a good opeice of advice, unfortunately it happened already and my dd just stopped liking that dr as a result!!!
Most of all, I am very very very grateful to those of you who said you had normal functioning healthy (or you were the same way as a kid) who also had hygiene issues for an abnormally long time and turned out ok. B'H!! I really was concerned that there was something wrong, glad to hear that. I honestly feel like my stomach just unclenched a little. thank you so much.

amother

Lemon

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 10:04 am

(I didn’t read through the whole thread so I apologize if I’m repeating something)
I relate to you, I have a child who is similar. Even though the individual things may sound ok, when you put it all together day after day it is very difficult. while she may outgrow it I don’t think it is something you can assume she will outgrow- even though SOME things may improve. There’s a lot that isn’t ok, & isn’t good for the child’s relationships.
What worked for us was intensively working on increasing the child’s awareness of how what we do/ look like/ act affects those around us, & how important that is. Also, that when you say something- communication means that the other person UNDERSTANDS what you mean. An exercise regimen helped for some reason also.
I strongly recommend a comprehensive evaluation- neuropsych & language. These can be so crucial so that you address the real bottom line issues.
we have seen a tremendous difference with this approach.

amother

Bronze

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 10:26 am

Honestly, the hygiene doesn't bother me as a red flag. It's gross and incomprehensible, but it seems like plain laziness to me.. She will mature and learn how to take care of herself. That doesn't go on to say she should go out smelling... But also don't breathe down her neck about it. I have a daughter who was quite the same.. And one day she just woke up and started taking care of herself... Minus the brushing of teeth, though she's working on that now... I also noticed they need to actually be TAUGHT in a nonchalant way. Kids don't understand things like we do, it's a no brainer to us.. But to them if it doesn't bother them.. Why should they trouble themselves? That's where we come in - to guide them.

What does red flag to me is your daughters behavior. Granted we all get moody, but she sounds more defiant to me... Which in my experience half normal and a tad extreme... Could it be she feels like she "does all the work" since she's the oldest? (even of it's not true)
My oldest is extremely sensitive in her own way, I know I won't ask her to clean more than the bare minimum Bc she takes it as if the world is coming to an end... She helps in other ways (with the kids, errands, etc.) and I do tell her she needs to keep her room neat though....
I noticed with my oldest I had to put in a lot of extra effort with our bond. I guess that sensitivity of hers makes her need to FEEL extra loved... So I'd spend time with her, we'd go for ice cream/coffee... Sit and shmuess in my room... And she became my best friend, I made sure to tell her! We are very very close now, and I think that helped her mature, even if only it was only to please me.

Our kids are fragile. They can feel stifled even when we don't stifle them... We think very differently from one and other.. We have a hard job as moms!! I feel for you OP.. and hard as it is to watch just know there's a light at the end of the tunnel! Hatzlacha raba!

amother

Silver

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 1:22 pm

Sounds like me as a teenager. I'm much less weird now!

Honestly, hygeine is not second nature for me like it seems to be for so many other people - but I learned how to do it - I shower regularly, wear deodorant, brush my teeth - ok, sometimes I forget. Imagine my surprised when I got married and my husband is more hygienic than I am! Of course, I must be in the normal range of hygiene to get married an have friends and such.

School was always extremely stressful for me, sounds like your dd. But I'm gifted and very intelligent and did well - I have a graduate degree and I'm a scientist now.

My mom was always on my case about how I dressed and looked etc. It was terrible for our relationship. There are gentler ways to do it - maybe invite her to come to the pharmacy with you to buy stuff for yourself, in the hopes she'll want it to. Helping you pick out stuff will expose her to her options - buy a fun electric toothbrush and some floss picks for your self and ask her to help you pick which ones (mint flavor vs regular, a fun colored toothbrush or a plain one) - while she picks, you may fid out what she likes. And have her help you choose deodorant for yourself - -helping you pick it out can get her talking about it and will also help you understand whether she likes gels or sprays or roll on or whatever and which types of scents she likes or doesn't like. I hated shoppoing for new clothes, just wanted to wear my old ones forever, so my mom would leave around clothing catalogs, and I loved to look through them and every so often would find osmething I really liked and show it to her. Maybe take her on a trip with you to bath and body works or similar store to get some foaming shower gel or whatever (it helped me shower more). Best if you do all of these pharmacy runs / specialty stores with you and several daughters/kids, so she doesn't feel singled out. Also, maybe she doens't know how to brush her teeth proeperly? I only learned in my 20s but didn't realize that I didn't know before.

As for helping while she is studying, maybe try to sit down with her and block out time for her to be allowed to study uninterrupted - it sounds like she really needs it, and in return she'll have time blocks where she helps you with things (either pre-defined or whatever is needed). Imagine you were at the office and every time you sat down to work on an important document and just as you were getting into it, your boss came buy and asked you to go get him a cup of coffee. That's what it's like for some teens while studying - and she is old enough to respect her needs as well academically. So try to strike a deal with her that respects her need for uninterrupted studying and your need for household help.

Beyond that, she just may be the absent minded professor type. It gets better as they get older. I also have sensory issues - this could be a factor with her (if it's hard for her at the dentist, see if they can rub some numbing gel on her gums before starting - helps both physically and psychologically with the discomfort). Have her try soft toothbrushes - as soon as I swithced to very soft toothbrushes, I started brushing much more. Also floss picks feel mnuch better for me than real floss. I also have ADHD, so sitting down and studying was hard to get into, so being interrupted was super overwhelming for me. Regardless, your daughter sounds like she has some issue with regulating her emotions (yeah, me too), and even if she's not going to therapy, finding someone who can teach her some simple quick in the moment relaxation techniques (teach her when she's calm obviously) can really help.

Ok, ramble over, I hope some of this helps!

amother

Rose

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 4:26 pm

Didn't read all responses yet...byt dd 9 is like this. Bad hygiene, doesn't care. Very sweet and helpful, and then throws tantrums like a 2 year old. But with a harsher vocabulary.
I hired a behavioral therapist for executive functioning skills and emotional regulation. Juat started, but I'm hoping it will help. Not just sending her to therapy, but "this and that are hard for you. This person is going to give you ideas to make it easier." Because it's not about the hygeine-its about being motivated and having stamina to do non preferred activities (a 14 year old will usually shower even if they don't "feel like it" because they can think it through and push themselves.)
Hatzlacha

lucky14

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 6:57 pm

amother wrote:

I'm glad I posted this anonymously Smile

I feel a tiny bit attacked (I'm probably highly sensitive about it).

I just wanted to say that while I was reading through the responses I thought some of them were too harsh. It's so easy for us to write things without really thinking about how the OP is a real person with feelings and we have to be a little more sensitive in what and how we say things.

I didn't have the best hygine when I was younger (not to that extreme, but it was pretty lousy until around 14). I would get super sensitive and upset if my mom commented (even when it was totally innocent like telling me I should use deodorant- she was SO careful of how she said it and hardly ever commented though I'm sure she wanted to ALL THE TIME). I just went into super defensive mode. About everything really.
I don't think we can really judge and say if it's totally normal or not or what to do about it. As you said she also has great qualities. Sorry if you already wrote about this- but does she have friends? Is she OK socially with people/her peers?

amother

Sienna

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 10:20 pm

To the OP:

Your description of your daughter sounds eerily similar to our daughter although ours is younger. However, I could not tell if your DD's behaviors have started recently or since she was very young.

Our daughter has always been somewhat different than her peers, even from a very young age. We too always hoped she would outgrow her tantrums and immaturity and general weirdness (hygiene issues, sudden blow ups) but it did not happen. Probably the most frustrating aspect was that other people did not seem to notice what we saw, and since she does well in school and socially, we thought we were doing something wrong as parents.

When it comes to parenting, everyone has an opinion and it is tempting to let yourself be assured by others that this type of behavior is normal... All kids have hang ups .. etc. This was not the case for us. A parent knows better than anyone else. Please don't let yourself get lulled into a false sense of complacency based on what others who have never even met you say on a forum. Also don't let others criticize you based on nothing more than a brief post that you wrote. Trust your instincts and take care of things now. When it comes to issues like those you described the sooner they are addressed the better, that's for sure. Some interventions have a much better chance of success when done at a young age.

Recently we finally decided to do a full psychological evaluation and although it is not so cheap we are very grateful we did it. You need a real professional helping you, not anonymous posters on a forum.

cnc

Fri, Feb 16 2018, 9:00 am

amother wrote:

This.