Not davening | Imamother

amother

Jade

Fri, Jul 27 2018, 2:05 pm

I’m in a second marriage. My ds is 13 and has been diagnosed with adhd and social anxiety since he was in 1st grade. ( he takes Concerta, Prozac & Intuniv).
I’ve been hearing for a while from his rabbeim that he’s usually not davening but rather just turning pages claiming he davened. His stepfather says he does the same on Shabbos.
His day camp just called me that he’s not showing up to minyan and disappears when he gets off the bus. I’m not even sure he’s actually putting on tefillin.
We’ve been dealing recently with his rampant lying. His stepfather gets frustrated and yells st him which isn’t helpful. I’ve asked him to let me deal with it.

Anyone with similar experience and/or advice how to approach this?

amother

Blonde

Sun, Jul 29 2018, 6:47 pm

I have ADHD and I always had issues davening as a kid. Even once I was medicated and could focus, I had such bad associations with davening (not being able to concentrate myself, being 'told off' by teachers/counselors/etc that I wasn't doing it right or well enough) that I couldn't bring myself to. And I lied about it, because telling the truth would have just gotten me into more trouble with my parents/teachers/counselors/etc.

Try talking to him when things are calm. If he is lying, it is because he feels there is no way for him to please you or anyone else on this (because honestly, why else would a kid lie about davening), and a different approach may be needed.

Frankly, I was pushed too much on davening when I was young, and as a result, I rarely daven as an adult either. You may just need to let him come to it on his own, if he is being pushed and lying about it, that means he is being pushed too much to do something he feels is beyond him and that he is overly concerned with adults' reactions about not doing it. Consider gentler approaches (reward for what he can do (in private, so not embarrassed in front of peers), talking about positive sides of davening, seeing if there are specific tefilot he likes and should say those, saying it's ok if kavanah isn't all there and even just saying the words has merit, etc).

Also, though I don't daven much, I became I dedicated tehillim sayer, doing a few prakim every night for years and years and years, because no one was forcing me, I could do as long or as short as I was able to concentrate for, I said the prakim I related to and understood instead of having to say set words of davening which I didn't understand or connect to, and I liked the idea of it helping other people. I also regularly talk to Hashem in my own words at my own times. So maybe if regular tefila is hard, some other form of communication to Hashem might appeal more and can leave the door open for adidtional tefila later since he can develop positive associations with communicating with Hashem.

seeker

Mon, Jul 30 2018, 1:35 pm

amother wrote:

I could have written most of this.

I think (hope) we (community in general) are having a paradigm shift in what it means to raise a frum child - that the goal of long-term spiritual health is not always served best by making sure the kid is doing the "right" thing in the here and now. Your biggest goal for this child needs to be to AVOID giving him ANY more negative feelings around the idea of tefillah. As a person who anyway has a hard time focusing, and who has whatever experiences he has in school that are out of your control, he is going to have enough negative baggage already. NO "reminders" unless he asks for your help remembering.

Try to keep lines of communication open. Don't ignore or avoid the situation entirely. Have an empathetic conversation, letting him know that you understand him and aren't judging him - davening is a struggle for everyone, more for some than others but it isn't easy and how much more so for someone with ADHD. Without pressuring, tell him that you are on his team if there is anything that would help make it easier - maybe davening in a different place, even if it means getting his yeshiva to agree to excuse him from their regular minyan. Getting him something productive to do during that time at camp rather than disappearing off the bus, even if he won't be davening with the group (can he mumble a quick shema by himself and then help give out stickers/candies to kids in a younger bunk during davening?) Not davening is one thing; running away is going to make him feel like a delinquent. Even if you have to deliver him to camp personally a little later, anything to get out of that running away from the bus thing. Have a nice mother-son morning danish together or something.

amother

Violet

Wed, Aug 01 2018, 1:06 pm

We had a similar issue with our son who is not adhd and no step father. My son would show up to shul and sit without opening the siddur or his mouth. We sat him down and asked him why he won't daven and if he wants to learn to daven. He said he finds it boring and wants to want to know how to daven. Not that he wants to know how, but he wants to have that desire. Once he showed an interest we had what to work with. My husband told him to stop davening everything except the bare minimum. He also had to stand where appropriate and answer amen/yehei shmei...When the pressure was removed he could do that little bit. It didn't hurt that they had a point system and he got a certain amount of points per tefilla with prizes. Slowly over the next few years they added tefilos. He was post bar mitzvah before he was davening everything. He's now in his mid teens. I don't think he has any kavana in his davening, but he is going to shul and attempting to daven.
Know you are not alone and take baby steps to help your son. Pressure will only have him push back.