I am confused | Imamother

PeanutMama

Thu, Jun 20 2019, 12:52 am

Let me make this short.
I am a convert and the type of people I was around before my wedding were with the litvish/yeshivish crowd. Hope that made sense. Anyway so since I was with a kollel type family and I always went to them and I looked up to them. So I kind of adopted the customs that this family kept. Like no gebrokts during pesach etc etc. But I also did myself a favor and chose for myself how to dress but hashkafa wise I was more like “just frum”. I didn’t call myself anything and I anyway don’t like labels.
However I married a chasidish guy and now I am so confused in my yiddishkeit. There were things that I knew but learnt vigorously before marriage and now that I’m married I’m so confused. I think I’m confusing Halacha with chumra and I don’t know what to do. My spirituality is all over the place and sadly I can’t bring myself to talk about it with my husband. His hashkofa is much more set than mine and I’m afraid I’ll chas veshalom look bad in his eyes.
I learnt in a book on taharas hamispacha that wearing white underwear is enough to check for staining and to wear that during sheva neki’im. However my kallah teacher taught me that I have to put white linen and wear a white nightgown AND white underwear during sheva neki’im. I have really bad anxiety about going to a rebetzin about these things so I mostly ask my friends who tell me what they do and what my kallah teacher taught me was wrong and too extreme. I’m so so so confused and frustrated. On one hand I want to follow my husband’s minhag. On the other hand I really don’t want to force myself to do things that I am not ready to do yet and I want to do every mitzvah with joy. I question everything I do whether if it’s Halacha or chumra. And I dress tzniusdig and my husband dresses like the average chasidish guy. I wear black tights and kind of flairy skirts and colorful tops with a short chin length shaitel that’s NOT covered. And I grow out my hair (I used to shave and wear those silk tichels that chasidish ladies wear and mamash all black and long sleeve and everything else basically the same) which some families I care to know are uneasy about (I see it in their eyes and the way they look at me). So I think we look kind of odd. I didn’t see any couple that looks like us so far....
I love my husband very much and I wouldn’t risk losing that but I’m just so terrified that it’s gonna be too much and I really don’t want to drop the whole Judaism thing because chumros are being shoved down my throat and all I really want to do is just be frum. Did anybody else go through this thing too?? I feel very alone and miserable right now with everything.

crust

Thu, Jun 20 2019, 1:09 am

You don't have to shave. Ask any chassidish posek.

The Minhag of Shaving was meant for the people and descendants from Kehillas Shum. Someone that does not come from that part of the world is not obligated to shave.

The link is just an explaination of what Takanos Shum is. You can read up on Wikipedia about it if you'd like.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=.....9DTyq

Ask any sensible chassidish Rav and they will tell you to snip everything that's added.
I'm not going to elaborate here but I just want to tell you not to feel guilty.
You are erlich- doing TH and you are tzniusdig even if you wear fresh colors.

I do think its a good idea to go to a kallah teacher with a deeper understanding of your background so you know what's real and what's too much.

If you want I can pm you a name of someone that might be good.

Last edited by crust on Thu, Jun 20 2019, 1:10 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Wine

Thu, Jun 20 2019, 1:15 am

I second having an honest discussion with your husband. Obviously, he knows you grew your hair out, so he knows there are things you need to figure out to find what works for you. You can tell him that you want him to be happy, but you also need to figure out what works for you, and that you need his help and support in this process. Saying that will help both of you see this as something you work on together as a team and not that you are turning away from him.
I think it's crucial that you find someone who you can discuss things with honestly and openly. Maybe the woman of that kollel-type family you spent time with, a rav, etc, but it needs to be someone who is open-minded, sensitive, and understands that different people have different needs.
Hugs and good luck.

Spaghetti7

Thu, Jun 20 2019, 1:46 am

You have to find a gentle balance between keeping the standards of your community and also being in line with your husband without doings things which in your current state you feel will damage your relationship with H'. Your husband married you and knew where you were coming from. I think it would be a great thing to have an open discussion about how you feel about these things with him, and you can come to an agreement (with the guidance of his Rav - assuming the Rav of the community) about what is acceptable given your starting point, your husband's preference and comfort level, and the standards of the community.

amother

Cyan

Thu, Jun 20 2019, 2:06 am

What I learned is that white underwear is a must. A white sheet is important. And the more you add in white (nightgown, towels, etc), the more blessing you bring.

Besides for white underwear, 2 bedikas everyday: morning and late afternoon.

If after the fact, u only did one clean bedika ur first morning, and one clean bedika late afternoon before toiveling, you can still toivel, but it's really not recommended at all and you should ask ur LOR.

This is what I learned. Don't take my word for it. Speak to ur DH. I'm always asking my DH questions when I'm doing my 7 clean days (and he's always calling his rabbis), and I'm as FFB as they come. It's a new part of life for everyone, and it can get complicated and confusing for the best of us. That's why Rabbonim exist. (I've even had a situation where my rav had to speak to his Rabbonim. No shame in asking and making sure you're doing the right thing.)

amother

Brunette

Thu, Jun 20 2019, 6:58 am

First, I really want to say that I'm always so impressed by gerim. I'm amazed at your sincerity and ability/desire to search for truth. Kol hakavod!
Second, I really wouldn't rely on imamother, friends, or kallah teachers for halacha vs chumra etc. I'm always amazed at some of the Halachic statements I see on imamother. I sometimes ask rabbi dh about them and he's also shocked by them. Friends have the same problem as imamother. My newly wed husband showed my notes from my kt to his rosh Kollel once and they couldn't figure out where some of the "halacha" came from. So they aren't good sources.
Third, talk to your husband. Marriage is all about communication. Tell him how you are feeling. He probably knows.
Fourth, learn halacha. Go to shiurim. If you can't, there are plenty of shiurim online. Ask questions to your rebetzin (husband's Rabbi wife), learn with your husband, spent more time with your teachers and rebetzin that helped you with your geirus. English language halacha books are good, but aren't always meant to be extrapolated from. It may be less confusing to ask your husband ravs wife so you are both on the same page. Remember to always ask questions. Even ffbs do that.
Hatzlocha.