Nervous already and

amother

Thu, Oct 24 2019, 7:58 pm

I don’t even have a kid in school yet. I can’t get it off my mind lol
Basically my husband and I are geirim and chasidish and BH we have a beautiful baby boy.
Just nervous about how the teachers, or the kids will treat us and our child because we were once non jews. Will my kid be teased mercilessly? Do schools accept children of geirim? What about those who don’t know Yiddish? We speak English at home and my husband knows Yiddish so our kid will understand some of it I guess. I think my husband will help our son and then our future children with lashon kodesh and all these things while I’ll help with English, writing, and reading.
I still listen to secular music and watch an occasional movie and yes have an unfiltered phone. (One day I’ll filter it. Just not ready to yet I guess.) so I’m wondering if that would affect anything. I know that these things are not allowed but I listen and watch alone.

Just nervous about that or maybe I’m just a huge mama bear that wants to protect her kid way too much or maybe just really overthinking

Thanks.

Please don’t attack me for worrying for my kids future.

amother

Burgundy

Thu, Oct 24 2019, 8:07 pm

Do u think of where to send him?

My first question is where do u live and how should classmates figure out that your geirem especially while he is young?
I dont think there is anything you should worry about just place him in a warm suitable place . Some cheiders are warmer then other ones maybe this should be your fokos when looking into a place for him , it should be a warm atmosphere , Warm staff , most important!

Rutabaga

Thu, Oct 24 2019, 8:09 pm

I'm not chassidish so I can't speak to how your children may be treated in chassidish schools.

I'm wondering, though, how you ended up in a chassidish area after converting. Have you considered that a more diverse community might be more welcoming to a family whose background is more unusual? The way you describe yourself does not seem to dovetail with chassidish values.

Do you have a rav or mentor in your community to guide you? Can you and DH discuss chinuch with him and ask what particular challenges you might expect?

thunderstorm

Thu, Oct 24 2019, 8:15 pm

My brothers were sons of a ger and went to chasidish schools in BP , 30 and 40 years ago when there was more tolerance of not fitting into boxes. They were bullied . I was not aware of that until I was an adult. As a girl, I was proud of my fathers geirus and always spoke about it by Parshas Yisro. And my teachers told me to be proud. But I went to a Bais Yaakov type of school and was not in the chasidish mosdos my brothers were in. I ended up marrying a son of chasidish ger as well and he said they always felt like second class citizens in America for sure (but even in the country they are from, they felt different, but we’re more accepted). It seems the boys have it worse than the girls.

amother

Tangerine

Thu, Oct 24 2019, 8:27 pm

Sometimes the community that makes for a good on-ramp isn't the best road for the long-term journey.

It's definitely worth talking to people in your situation to see how their children were treated in school. If that's not to your liking, consider finding a more welcoming community.

Every community has its problems, and you will have to decide which are the kinds you can live with.

amother

Thu, Oct 24 2019, 8:52 pm

Op here.
We are chasidish and live in bp.
I was originally ”brought into” the litvish/yeshivish lifestyle and my husband chose to become a chassid because of stories he heard.

I wish we can find a community like y’all described but my husband likes Boro park better than Williamsburg where we lived once we got married. (Moves out cuz it wasn’t for us)
He likes ppl who have the same “outlook” and hashkafa and he’s firm on his beliefs but he’s very respectful to non chasidish ppl.

amother

Tangerine

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 5:34 am

Living a lie is a bad idea for many reasons, moral, psychological, and practical.

I think you are right to wonder how your children will be treated in school. I think you might want to speak to other converts with children of marriageable age. What's it like for them?

A modern Orthodox community would probably be too much of a change for you, despite the fact that you would be able to have a more holistic religious experience. But what about a yeshivish community that's open to gerim and baalei teshuva? The line between chassidim and misnagdim has blurred to the point that your husband's chassidishe leanings could be accommodated in that kind of community. And your children would be spared years of misery.

Food for thought.

(I edited a typo.)

amother

Purple

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 7:28 am

Consider this, you can't have a kid not know. They'd grow up w prejudice against themselves possibly in that environment and then they would eventually find out and be messed up.

Although you may feel it, if you don't speak about it all the time and point out , it will become just another thing like eye color.

Its difficult but idk that you can eliminate bullying, best to stick to the life you want to live and have future children learn anti bully techniques because you'll find there are no schools without a bully or two. And if its not this, they'll find something else, there's no shortage of things to bully on.

simcha2

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 7:34 am

amother [ Linen ] wrote:

Have you considered not telling anyone? I have a close friend who is a Ger. She is a chameleon and fits right in. We go to a chassidish shul. Our Rabbi, her husband, and I know. I didn't even tell my husband. Her kids have an easier time of it than they otherwise would have.

I find this incredibly sad advice. The torah gives very specific halacha d'oraisa on how to treat geirim. To have to advise, in a torah community, to hide one's incredibly impressive background because we're worried about people violating halacha is terrible.

OP, I'm sorry you have to worry about this.

I'd invite you to come live in our oot mo community where there are plenty of geirim guilty accepted. But it sounds like it wouldn't be a good fit hashkafically for you.

I truly hope you, and your family, find a place that ticks all the boxes and names you feel fully accepted.

amother

Mistyrose

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 7:59 am

Bullying will totally depends on his class.
Some perfectly “normal” kids get bullied too if the class has a bully.

Im very chassidish ( think bobov belz satmar etc...) and I would would never allow my kid to treat a ger in his class differently.
However, some kids have terrible Middos sadly...

As for the administration, you have to do a lot of research and find the perfect match for you.
Find a tolerant, more neutral school.

chayamiriam

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 8:19 am

Oot community sounds like it's the best fit. To put your children in an environment that they would be most probably be bullied is unfair and would be devastating to your son! Of course you should be proud of you're heritage and background but don't put your child in a situation where he would most likely be bullied. There are many Garim in long Island a diverse neighborhood that is becoming more and more chasidish as people are moving in. The Garim here are welcomed and cherished. Their children go to the many local yeshives chasidish or litvish or modern orthodox that are easy to get into bullying is everywhere but people in this neighborhood are especially sensative and bulling is totally unexcepted by any yeshivas! There are many Garim and their families in this neighborhood that blend into this neighborhood but bulling of their children is unheard of!

watergirl

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 8:28 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Op

Where would this be? Closest I had is Flatbush. I used to live there before I married and I loved it because of the diversity
I’ll ask my husband if Flatbush is an option...

From what you've described in this post, and if I am connecting you correctly to other posts (my apologies if I am wrong), your husband is drawn to chassidus but has not joined a specific one? Does he have a rebbe? Does he have a rav who he is connected with in person?

If it is chassidus itself that he is drawn to, may I suggest being more open minded and looking for a chassidus that is welcoming to geirim? And a town that is welcoming to geirim? I'm not sure Brooklyn is the best place for this.

Boston, Breslov, and others are known for open arms and not being so insular. We are Breslov. Most people have no idea how deep Rebbe Nachman and his sefarim are. No idea at all. He is the Great grandson of the Besht and literally grew up in his home. You can pm me if you would like and I will point you to some women's classes online that go deep into his works. Mind blowing stuff. I also have a few contacts and friends in BP who are part of a wonderful Breslov community.

There is so much to Chassidus. Far more than the food, clothing, language, and Brooklyn culture. I know thats what your husband likes, but there is SO MUCH MORE out there that is not found in the big cities. There is a lot to look at and a lot to learn. You do not have to stay in Brooklyn and worry about what mean kids with mean parents will say to your son about being the son of geirim. But know this - mean kids are everywhere and will target ANYONE who they want to, not just geirim!

Its very sad that people are telling you to keep your history to yourself. You can if you want to but it has to be YOUR choice made for YOU and not for fear of other people. Why would you want to live among people who you have to hide who you are for fear that you wont be accepted? Thats yiddishkeit? Thats chassidus? No! Thats backwards! Thats not what the Holy Besht started.

amother

Yellow

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 8:39 am

I have a few geirim in my family and their kids have had vastly different experiences, depending on community (and no, MO is not necessarily better in this regard, so don't think of this of a right-left issue). You need to be proactive here, because there really are some places where geirim are treated as second class citizens and you'll be setting your kids up for a hard time, risk of going OTD, if you don't think this through VERY carefully. Research, research research, then research from more. Talk to actual geirim in the community. Be prepared to move if you can't find the right environment where you are (OOT Chassidish communities exist). This is not something to play around with, it's great that you're thinking about this now, before school is really on the radar. Sure, you can give it a try and switch schools if the first one doesn't work out. But better to avoid the problem in the first place by starting with a school that has the best odds of giving your child a positive school experience.

Don't underestimate the power of school experience. How your child perceives school from the early school years sets the tone for how they view school in the long term. Of course, you can't predict the future. Something can seem like the perfect fit and turn out to be a big disappointment. And obviously one can move on from a bad experience. But why not do whatever you can do to at least stack the odds in your favor, right?