What would you do? Movie question

amother

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 12:19 am

My 14 year old asked me if he can watch a certain movie with his friends. He’s a good kid and knows I like to research a movie before he watches it. I checked it out and it’s rated R. I don’t raise my kids very sheltered and I let them watch, but I feel like I have to draw the line somewhere, and R feels like a bit much for a 14 year old. PG13 movies I look into and some are ok. What bothers me is that I feel like I’m the only parent involved here. The other two boys just seem to do whatever they want, with no parental involvement. I don’t want the be the mean parent here. He’s a really good kid and we have a very open trusting relationship, and I don’t want that to change. I worry if I become too restrictive it will work against me, but at the same time I do need to have standards. He’s not yet an adult. I’m also not thrilled about him starting a movie after midnight and then missing shacharis, but I’m not going to get too uptight about that. I just don’t love the idea overall. It’s not like he hasn’t missed Minyan before but I don’t feel like this is a very good reason to miss it.

To give a better frame of reference, we are probably what those on imamother would label as JPF, living in Lakewood. He’s in a less yeshivish but still Lakewood school.

But I think that many can relate to this question of where do we draw the line and how do we do to without pushing our kids the other way? I would love to hear from more seasoned parents of teens. This is my first!

Also, at the beginning when he asked me and saw I wasn’t thrilled, he said it’s fine if you say no, but then he started pushing a little. Although ultimately he did listen, but I don’t know if I made the right decision. My husband is sleeping so I couldn’t even discuss with him. He does tend to be more liberal about these things but ultimately defers to me.

amother

Maroon

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 12:24 am

For me the biggest question would be why is it getting an R rating?
Violence? Eh, not so bad
Language? Maybe I'd let him watch this time
Scantily clad women and and s-xual references? an absolute no

That's my two cents. But honestly I don't think I'd make a decision without DHs input. We need to talk things like this out with each other. And I think that's a good enough excuse to give your son for now

amother

Burgundy

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 1:26 am

essie14 wrote:

I started sneaking out to movies when I was 14 because my parents didnt let me go. And I definitely watched things that were way inappropriate.
If you want your kids to have a good relationship with you and be honest with you, then there has to be some leeway. I'm not saying you need to give permission for every movie but it's very possible your kid will go anyway.

I also was sneaking out to watch movies. My parents wouldn't even let me watch PG13 movies at age 14, so I didn't even bother asking.

That said, there needs to be some sort of red line. I guess as others said, it depends why it received an R rating.

amother

Saddlebrown

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 1:42 am

This is so hard. There are so many movies I grew up with in the 70s and 80s that I would like to share with my kids now that they are getting older. I have memories of them being "nice" movies, but when I go now to check them out I just get uncomfortable. Even if there isn't such graphic stuff, even a couple kissing, or getting into bed. My kids have never seen anything like this. I didn't grow up frum. My kids are so much more sheltered than I was.

#BestBubby

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 1:57 am

amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:

Good for you. It's almost impossible to find a secular movie that's 100% clean. 12 Angry Men is the only one of the few.

There are a couple of frum movies that are made by men. check it out.

amother

Bisque

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 5:44 am

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

I actually disagree with this! Glorified violence IMHO is not something I want my DCs to watch. Watching scantily-clad women isn’t ideal but I would rather a teen sees this in a regular movie versus him seeking out p-@-r-n elsewhere and behind my back.

OP, your son asked you, I think it great he asks you permission first versus sneaking around to watch.

amother

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 6:46 am

So I researched the movie a bit more, and I was horrified, and so glad that I said no. The violence was terrible and extreme, tons of language, and there was some s-xual content that I would be uncomfortable with. To those saying to allow leeway, I do! I allow a lot of pg13 movies because I am realistic about what’s out there. And ok, I won’t just say no because it rated R, but in this case I was absolutely right. So what to do in this situation? It’s so bothersome that these other parents are completely uninvolved because it’s at the expense of my son maybe feeling his own parents are being restrictive, when we really are not. I know he truly appreciates how we are as parents, because he loves having a close relationship with us, which those friends do not have with their parents. And that relationship goes both way, so yes we are involved in his life. But I’m not naive, and no 14 year old boy is mature enough to fully appreciate that without possibly feeling like he wants to be able to do what his friends do. I must reiterate, we give him so much independence and space and leeway. And BH he is such a wonderful kid. But do we do when friends are doing something that we really don’t approve of? As it is, I allow him to play video games I’m not thrilled with because his friends sit and play all day, and I understand that if I’m the parent who says no, it may backfire on me. And affect his time with his friends (they play together). I’m just happy with he won’t be with these boys next year in high school and can only daven that he makes a different kind of friends next year. These boys are nice boys, but the complete lack of parental involvement is mind boggling.

amother

Mauve

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 7:25 am

I say no without fear that my teen will sneak and do it anyway because parents need to set boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not regardless of what the child will choose to do.
I try not to say no generally, I always look for a compromise if my gut instinct is a no.
But when a no is necessary, it's firm. And I usually explain why.
Starting any activity at midnight and being late for shacharis, for me is already a no. If you want to do something, do it at normal daytime hours.
But I also tell my children from time to time, that my job is to teach them what's right and their job is to do the right thing. That they are in charge of their own actions and responsible for them. That I cannot force them to do what's right, but I expect them to make good, smart choices.
I create the right environment for them and I'm there for advice and guidance. And I keep my eyes open as to where they may need extra guidance.
And validate validate validate their wishes, dreams, disappointments, etc. Be there with them in their emotional and mental space

amother

Maroon

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 8:14 am

Quote:

Np, you're allowed to disagree with me. We obviously have very different values in raising our children.

OP, I think you need to know your kid, and it sounds like you do pretty well. Contrary to what posters are saying here saying no is not a guarantee that he'll then go do it behind your back. You are the parent and you're allowed to set down the rules.
You seem to be a pretty terrific parent! Hopefully your son agrees Laugh

amother

Ginger

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 8:21 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So I researched the movie a bit more, and I was horrified, and so glad that I said no. The violence was terrible and extreme, tone of language, and there was some s-xual content that I would be uncomfortable with. To those saying to allow leeway, I do! I allow a lot of pg13 movies because I am realistic about what’s out there. And ok, I won’t just say no because it rated R, but in this case I was absolutely right. So what to do in this situation? It’s so bothersome that these other parents are completely uninvolved because it’s at the expense of my son maybe feeling his own parents are being restrictive, when we really are not. I know he truly appreciates how we are as parents, because he loves having a close relationship with us, which those friends do not have with their parents. And that relationship goes both way, so yes we are involved in his life. But I’m not naive, and no 14 year old boy is mature enough to fully appreciate that without possibly feeling like he wants to be able to do what his friends do. I must reiterate, we give him so much independence and space and leeway. And BH he is such a wonderful kid. But do we do when friends are doing something that we really don’t approve of? As it is, I allow him to play video games I’m not thrilled with because his friends sit and play all day, and I understand that if I’m the parent who says no, it may backfire on me. And affect his time with his friends (they play together). I’m just happy with he won’t be with these boys next year in high school and can only daven that he makes a different kind of friends next year. These boys are nice boys, but the complete lack of parental involvement is mind boggling.

Is it possible these kids aren’t even asking permission? Could be parents would never allow but they don’t even know about it. I’ve had situations like this with my daughter and her friends and I actually took the liberty to shmooze with these girls when they were in my house about why there is something wrong with tiktok or instagram and it really made an impression on them. Is it the type you have a friendly relationship with these boys that you can have a conversation?

amother

Jetblack

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 8:42 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What’s the name of the movie?

amother

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 9:03 am

avrahamama wrote:

I'm just wondering. Would these kids want to watch these movies in the living room with their parents? Like they themselves. Would they feel comfortable watching movies like this with mom and dad?

Maybe offer to watch with him once and see if it's still interesting?

Usually we do watch with him. More my husband than I because I end up falling asleep half the time, but if he wants to watch a questionable movie, I’d absolutely prefer it’s with one of us.

I don’t know what’s up with these kids. Another poster said maybe the parents aren’t aware, but I know these people and it’s not even like the kids the have to sneak around. They just do whatever they want. It’s a little bit of a hefker situation.

amother

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 9:03 am

amother [ Ginger ] wrote:

I think my son would be mortified if I said anything.