It makes me crazy!

amother

Papaya

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 2:22 pm

My 9 yr old started with this just this season. She has a closet full of beautiful dresses and she insists on wearing one thing from last yr and a dress she got from an older cousin. And she won't wear anything in her hair. Drives me batty.
BUT
Growing up, my mother was very into looks and made me wear things that I hated, weren't comfortable, or matching my sisters when I felt like I was too old to be matching. So I let her do her thing and I don't say anything at all.

I admit, that hideous bright yellow skirt she got from said cousin mysteriously got lost in the laundry...

zaq

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 6:35 pm

Please take this in the spirit in which it was meant, which is not to make you feel bad but to help you and your dd both. What I hear in your post is it's all about YOU and how your dd mode of dress reflects on YOU. I lost count of how many times you used the term "nerdy." You think your dd doesn't sense the contempt you have for her? The way you're comparing your perfect fashion-conscious self with your poor, shleppy, unfashionable dd? what do you think that is doing to her self-esteem? Even if you never say the word "nerdy" in her presence, which I doubt, it's surely written all over your face and in your tone of voice.

You should be encouraging your dd to be her own person and find her own taste and style, not dress according to YOUR taste. Instead of trying to force her to dress a certain way, cut back. suggest ONE item you consider cute or stylish and let her choose everything else.

Is she chubby? is she developing a figure? is she ahead of or lagging behind her friends in this area? any of these can cause great self-consciousness and a desire to be invisible, which can manifest itself as a preference for unfashionable, baggy, and dark or muted-colored clothing. (I do wish you had used these more objective terms instead of trumpeting "nerdy" umpty-ump times. ) If this is the case, you need to be even more tactful and encouraging in your approach.

and please remember to take YOURSELF out of the picture. It's not about you, it's about bringing up your dd to be a happy, self-confident woman no matter what her taste in clothes.

zaq

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 6:37 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Think very hard about this, because what you decide will dictate the next 7 years of your relationship with your daughter, her self esteem, her confidence, and her ability to trust you.

Next seven years? Rather say, quite possibly, the rest of their lives. Her dd is entering her most formative years.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 6:49 pm

zaq wrote:

Next seven years? Rather say, quite possibly, the rest of their lives. Her dd is entering her most formative years.

Excellent point. I said 7 years, because she'll be 18 by then, a legal adult, and can do what she wants. At that point whether she'll want to stay in touch or not will remain to be seen.

A comment about an ugly sweater today, or clunky shoes tomorrow, can add up. These things can be engraved in memory for life.

When my mom told me that "my makeup made me look like a clown", it didn't help my self esteem at all. Not once did she ever offer to help me learn how to do a better job.

To this day, whenever I do my makeup I wonder if I am using a color that is too strong, or if I need to buff out some of my blush. I second guess myself a lot, so mostly I just don't wear makeup at all.

Mom passed away several years ago, but I can still hear her exact tone of voice in my head. My sister remembers some pretty unpleasant comments also.

Tirza

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 7:26 pm

OP, I totally understand how you feel. I have had a similar issue with my child in the past.
It’s important to remember that at 11 years old, your daughter is experimenting with finding her own voice. This is 100% developmentally appropriate. As the other moms here said, you do need to turn a blind eye and leave her alone about this right now.
BUT- take comfort in knowing that in a few years, when she’s past this stage, she very possibly might turn back to you for fashion advice and help. You are her most important role model, and she’s grown up seeing her mother look chic and fashionable, so that is her “norm”, and it’s very likely that she will return to that voluntarily.
My children are all young adults, and I’ve discovered that this is true- they pull away in adolescence, but afterward, if you have made them feel loved and safe, they come right back to you.

Simple1

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 7:50 pm

I have the opposite. I'm a little laid back with how my kids dress, and the fights happen when they have to dress perfectly put together at all times for fear of looking like nerds. So maybe if you pull back a little, she'll realize on her own that she wants to put her self together. 11 is still a little young anyway. In the next few years, the peer pressure might kick in.

amother

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 8:33 pm

Thanks for the pep talk everyone. When I picked her up from her friend today, I didn’t utter a word about her messy hair or the fact that she was wearing the one T-shirt that just doesn’t look that great on her. Just smiled and asked how her evening was Smile

even though I was cringing inside!

SuperWify

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 9:33 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

even though I was cringing inside!

Great that’s a step!
Hopefully you’ll be able to stop cringing soon regardless of how she looks.

behappy2

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 9:39 pm

It really takes a lot of self talk. My son from about 5 years old became very particular about his clothing. I was often embaressed by him but I psyched myself up that he is who he is and what's important is that he is neat, clean and happy. My daughter, preschooler has worn strange things on days I didn't want to fight with her and I just tell myself that she is dressing too weird for anyone to think I actually put this on her!!

amother

White

Thu, Aug 13 2020, 12:04 am

Quote:

Is an eleven year old considered a teenager?
I have an adorable beautiful eleven year old daughter. Shopping is a huge headache with her, but once that’s done, we hopefully purchased things that we both like and although she chooses not to wear half the stuff which is quite frustrating, I’m really trying to pick my battles and not fight too much about it. I feel like she chooses to look nerdy even though I buy her cute clothes. But like I said, I’ve really been working on not fighting too much about it. I’ve always been into fashion and dressing her well (she’s my one girl), so it’s hard for me when she walks out looking the way she does. Now her newest thing is wearing her hair in the nerdiest way possible which is not flattering on her. She refuses to let me help with her hair, and won’t even style it in a cute way. It makes me absolutely crazy. I care how my children look and she just insists on looking nerdy. I know this is the absolute pettiest thing to fight about with her, and I try to avoid it to preserve our relationship, but I almost can’t hold back from at least asking if I can help her with her hair. To which I get an adamant no. How can I let this bother me less? I know it’s so unimportant in the scheme of things.

I know you want your daughter looking nice and with the latest styles. But is the message you want to give your daughter--that looks are so important.

I have to bite my tongue when my kid clash. Sometimes I say nothing and sometimes I mention it doesn't match, why not change the top or bottom. But the end of the day, it's really not worth the fight.

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Aug 13 2020, 12:23 am

Can someone clarify for me please-
What if the hair looks nerdy-meaning that everyone will make fun of her- like I’m afraid for her to walk out the door like that?

My 9 year old would sometimes do that and I would have to tell her to redo it even if she liked it. Not for my sake but for hers, right?

(I’m not particularly stylish but I was really sure her hair looked bad)

amother

Lavender

Thu, Aug 13 2020, 8:08 am

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

I once had a high school student who had a short cute haircut. She had friends. At one point her mother made her grow it out. To me it defined her uniqueness. You just have to ask yourself will everyone really make of fun of her? Can she stand up for herself?

amother

Cyan

Thu, Aug 13 2020, 8:35 am

OP kudos for recognizing the challenge and asking the question...

My mom used to shop and pick out all my clothing, even into my teens and early 20s. She has nice taste but it often wasn't my taste (usually what she wished she could still wear). It usually wasn't worth the battle, so I'd just put the item in my closet and often didn't end up wearing it (she didn't 'let' me get rid of things either). She looooves long hair and it was a huge battle when I wanted to cut my hair short. If she didn't like what I was wearing I'd get comments about how she doesn't want me to look ugly.
Fast forward a few years. I still have a really hard time shopping for myself, though I'm learning how to develop my own taste. I keep hearing her voice and second guessing myself. I just wish I could have started learning and figuring out how to dress myself back in my early teens. Picking my own wedding gown and succeeding in not wearing her pick was a huge accomplishment for me (and I actually looked stunning).

amother

Slategray

Thu, Aug 13 2020, 9:43 am

I'm not in to fashion or anything but even I have my limits. My 10 year old cut her hair in the front. She has beautiful hair. It looks hidious. I have to bite my tongue when I see it. She herself admits that it was a mistake and now we have to wait for it to grow back. I keep telling myself it was a learning experiance for her. Keep repeating...

amother

Cerise

Thu, Aug 13 2020, 10:03 am

Sounds like a personality thing. Some people don't care much about fashion and looking stylish. Also wondering if she has sensory sensitivities and cares more about being comfortable than being trendy.

It can be hard when our kids have different personalities and priorities than we do, but that is normal and they are entitled to be their own people.

I have sort of the opposite situation. I don't care about being stylish. I wear clothing that is neat and presentable and normal, but not at all trendy. I care more about being comfortable than being in the latest fashion, and don't have much fashion sense. But I don't insist my daughter's dress like me, and I get them type of clothing they prefer, even if I don't relate to it.

Your DD may never care about being super stylish, but if you can let go of that then hopefully she will at least be open to hearing your opinion to the extent that she won't wear things that are really weird or socially off.

amother

Cerise

Thu, Aug 13 2020, 10:11 am

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

It sounds like OP has a much broader definition of "nerdy." It would seem to make sense that a mother should encourage her child to change if something is "nerdy" to the extent that she will stand out as "off" and be made fun of. But it would also seem that if a mother considers anything that is not the height of fashion to be nerdy, and is constantly on her daughter's case about it, she will have a much harder time getting her daughter to take her as advice in a situation that is really extreme. If the mother is generally accepting of whatever the daughter wears, I would think the daughter much more likely to listen when her mother occasionally suggests that a certain thing is not a good choice to wear.