Letters to the Editor: Ridiculous Edition

GLUE

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 12:14 am

Dear Editor,

Your latest contest (It Snowed, school canceled write an essay) is unfair. We live in the Alabama Panhandle and not only has school never closed for snow my kids never even saw snow in their lives. Please be more inclusive next time.

Mrs. Daffzinger

Dear Editor,

My children were confused by your latest contest(It snowed,school canceled write an essay).In the Upper Peninsula(of Michigan) when ever it snows I just load up the kids in my snowplow (every house in the Upper Peninsula has a snow plow)and plow them to school. Why should school be canceled just because it snowed 12 feet last night?

Mrs. Salts

Dear Editor,

We live in North Dakota were the nearest Jewish School is a few days drive away, so we home school our children. They do not get off when it snows. Why school should be canceled just for a few feet of snow, is beyond me. Your contest,' It snowed, school canceled' should have been ' What weather has caused school to be canceled'. Just two or maybe three years ago there was a heat wave in June the temperature reached an unheard of of 70F, my children were sitting in front of the air conditioner with sweat dripping down their face. Of course we canceled home school.

Mrs. Frostbite

Dear Editor,

How in these difficult and challenging times could you put such a contest (It snowed, School canceled write an essay)?My daughter is now in Hybrid school, she goes to school twice a week and zooms three times a week. It snowed a few inches last night, and instead of playing outside with her friends having snowball fights and drinking a gallon of hot coco, she had to sit like a zombie in front of the tablet. To make her feel better I let her read the new magazine on a Wednesday, instead of waiting 'till Shabbos, and to my surprised she open the magazine an promptly bust into tears. She is now crying her self to sleep. How could you put in such an insensitive contest during these challenging times?

Mrs. Zoocker

Sunny Days

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 2:21 am

Letter from the editors

In light of the recent feedback to our snow essay writing contest, we regret to inform that we will be cancelling all snowstorms this year. We understand the additional stress snow can bring in this current climate (no pun intended) our aim is to provide spring like weather for the rest of the year so outdoor rallies can continue taking place and grandparents should not have to spend time in target or Costco in order to see the grandchildren.

We hope this news will warm your hearts in these uncertain times of unrestful elections.

Please be advised that the Antarctica snow will continue as planned, and so for those craving eskimos and snowmen can head out there. We would like to advise our chashuva females to please bring bring along a shomer with you as we only boast snowmen which can bring terrible shaylas in hilchos yichud.

We would also like to share the wonderful news that we will still be hosting our annual helicopter parentless trip for babies and toddlers 4 months to 4 years.
Reserve fast as slots are almost full!

~Ed

InnerMe

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 5:07 pm

Dear editor,
I'd like to make the oilam aware of a strange phenomenon. I'm on an online forum (l'tzorech parnasah don't worry) and suddenly from one day to the next the place has been invaded by monsters, monitors, monkeys, and toddlers. Where is this influx coming from??? I'm not too disappointed because prior to that all people could talk about was covid, but I'm very curious: Has China begun producing more monitors? Are monkeys experiencing a population surge? Monsters and toddlers too?

Confused and amused

GLUE

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 5:35 pm

WitchKitty wrote:

Dear Editor,

I wanted to share a segula I heard. If you take a cat's tail and wind it around your foot for 3 days, you will live forever!
I have done it and so far I am still alive!

Mrs. Beelever.

Dear Mrs. Beelever,

If you wrote in your first letter that you used a shtrimal not a real cats tail, I would not be in the Psych ward. When I read your amazing segula I ran outside and grabbed the first cat I saw. Unfortunately it was an angry, mangy, stringy ally cat that lived in the dumpster and was eating a dead rat. When I picked up this cat to wrap it's tail around my leg it bite and scratched up both of my legs. In the ER I noticed them looking at me funny when I explained why I was "playing" with a wild cat. I got locked when they brought out the Rabies vaccine, I made sure to tell them that I am a anti-vaxer and will never get any vaccine for any reason. They decided that I am a danger to myself and locked me up.

Imprisoned against my will

HindaF

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 6:45 pm

Dear Editor,
The story in issue 1999 where the woman ends up in the psych ward was simply heartbreaking. I could not stop crying. But then my husband reminded me that this was exactly why I opened the cat tail gmach, so that everyone could have easy access to a cat's tail.I was comforted. Suddenly all the death threats from PETA that I've received were of no signifigance to me any longer!( It is a nasty business I must admit, hacking off all those tails and leaving such a bloody mess.)
Anyway, I'd like to mention once again that the cat tail gemach is open to the public all week. Please wear a mask and social distance.
Sincerely,
Founder, Director, CEO of Tails for Life
"Because everyone deserves to live forever"

FranticFrummie

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 6:50 pm

WitchKitty wrote:

Couldn't it have been a man with big breasts?

Nope. This was obviously a woman who had nursed many, many babies - and had never known a bra in her life. It's perfectly normal for women to not wear tops in certain cultures. She was not a "modern" woman, she lived in a tribe somewhere in Africa, where Western clothing was not a thing. Breasts are considered like elbows. They're not zexual, they are for babies.

Didn't you ever read National Geographic?

Boca00

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 7:41 pm

Dear Editor,

There is a highly disturbing trend I've noticed taking place as of late. Technology is everywhere and parents are closing their eyes to the dangers!

I see children walking around plugged in to their Walkmans. My neighbor's daughter bought blank floppy disks from the corner pharmacy. Fax machines are easily accesible at most businesses, and my hairdresser's son-in-law even owns a car phone! Who can even imagine all the terrible travesties that can be comitted with a payphone!

I like to say- If the pen is mightier than the sword, imagine how much harm a typewriter can do!

I absolutely refuse to go near one of those dangerous Xerox machines, so it may take a while for my letter to arrive via snail mail.

Kindly print your reply on the cover of the magazine so I can read it at the convenience store checkout without paying the overpriced cost of $0.20.

Fond Regards,
Mrs. Samuel Berger

youngishbear

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 7:46 pm

InnerMe wrote:

Dear editor,

A recent letter by Confused and Amused asked about the recent influx of monsters, monitors, monkeys, and lehavdil toddlers. I would like to point out that her questions are a distraction from the real issue, which is and always has been tznius. It must be strengthened and improved, so that our toddlers grow up without notions of baths and other forms of untznius.

Anonymous for Tznius Reasons

amother

Beige

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 9:52 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

This one? https://mishpacha.com/significant-other/

GLUE

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 11:46 pm

Boca00 wrote:

Dear Mrs. Berger,

Technology can be used for the good. For example, my mother-in-law loves to cook but with her poor memory we are afraid that she will burn down the house, if we let her use the stove. We brought her one of theses newfangled microwave and a cookbook with special dishes to use in the microwave, she can now continue to cook without us worrying that she will burn down the house.

A car phone is a good thing, once when I was going to pick up my son from school, a tractor trailer over turned spilling a bunch of flower pots on the road. Since I had a car phone I was able to call someone else to pick up my son and he did not have to wait over an hour for me to come.

However to much technology is no good like the calculator, that devise is making children very lazy instead of learning how to count on their fingers they are two busy clicking away.

Please don't sign my name to protect my Mother-in-law

amother

Gold

Fri, Oct 23 2020, 12:11 am

kenz wrote:

Thanks for the link. This is a fun thread so I definitely don't want to derail it but I don't see that at all when I look at the picture. Who in their right mind would see those two very chassidish looking men and think they were a couple? It actually looks adorable.

Me!!

There were a lot more pictures in the article, It irked me to no end that they put pictures of only one 1\2 of the couples. If you can't put in the MaMa's don't put in the PaPa's

HindaF

Fri, Oct 23 2020, 12:27 am

Dear Editor,
Your article, How to Cure a Runny Nose, was fascinating! I too always suffered from a runny nose and ran from doctor to doctor but noone could help me.
Those bigshot doctors kept telling me " Use Claritin! A decongestant! Take the flu shot!" But I refused. We all know that medicines and vaccines come with terrible side effects. Last year my sister in law took the flu shot and the very next day she came down with an ingrown toenail! The doctor said those two were unrelated but we all know the truth.
One day I stumbled on a solution that works so well that I decided I must share it with your readers! I bought a nose clip ( the kind used for swimming) and simply put it on my nose so my nostrils were pinched together. And lo and behold my nose has not run since then! Please share this miraculous "life hack" with all your neighbors and friends.
Sincerely,
Farshtupt
PS. If you live in Boro Park you can buy nose clips in the 99 cents store which is still open because it's essential.
PPS. There's no need to feel embarrassed going outside in a nose clip because your mask will cover it!

WitchKitty

Fri, Oct 23 2020, 8:15 am

Dear Mrs. OP,

You asked How to explain what a rapist is, and I'm happy to inform you that we have a great dictionary for young children at http://www.frummemagazine.com/yingerlach !
Definition of rap:
verb
strike (a hard surface) with a series of rapid audible blows, especially in order to attract attention.
rap, rapped, rapping, rapist.

Also see our website for more exciting features!

HindaF

Fri, Oct 23 2020, 8:53 am

Dear Editor,
To all those who are questioning the halachic ramifications of opening a cat tail gemach, I would like to assure you that I have opened it with the backing of choshuve Gedolim. Because this is a matter of Pikuach Nefesh, a literal threat to life, they all agreed that it is muttar to use cat tails in this manner.
Sincerely,
Founder, CEO, Sponser
Tails For Life
"Because everyone deserves to live forever"

kenz

Fri, Oct 23 2020, 3:43 pm

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

Me!!

There were a lot more pictures in the article, It irked me to no end that they put pictures of only one 1\2 of the couples. If you can't put in the MaMa's don't put in the PaPa's

Well, that's a whole other issue that's been mauled to death. I thought we were talking about people thinking it was a couple, not the women vs. no women in magazines again.

BH Yom Yom

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 8:36 pm

HindaF wrote:

I’m cringing reading this. The poor kitties! Better to use this type of cattails.

https://www.istockphoto.com/ph.....02119

Plus, you won’t get bitten or scratched, and no shayla of a treif animal or tzaar baalei chaim!

Sincerely,
Cat Woman

shanie5

Sat, Oct 24 2020, 10:05 pm

BH Yom Yom wrote:

Sincerely,
Cat Woman

And what if one is allergic to flowers?
How about this? Will we live even longer with nine tails?

https://www.etsy.com/listing/7.....bes=1