Shiva anxiety | Imamother

amother

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 10:12 am

I get such anxiety before going to be menachem avel. I never know what to say, what to do, how/when to say hamakom (the few shivas that I've been to, I've just waited awkwardly in the back for a lull in the conversation which took almost an hour and then went up to say hamakom). I'm always worried that I'll mess up hamakom and just overall get so anxious. Now I have to go to a shiva where I don't know the person or the niftar well at all and I'm just so anxious about it. Advice and pointers would be greatly appreciated!

watergirl

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 10:17 am

I understand the anxiety, it's the reason so many people do not go to shiva houses. But, are you sure you have to go to this one? If you didn't know the niftar well and you don't know the person sitting, is it appropriate for you to go?

amother

Silver

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 10:34 am

If you know the person sitting Shiva, they are just happy to see you sitting there in the room. You don't need to say anything. Often the person sitting will be talking about the relative so it's fine to just listen. Also, they is usually a card with Hamakom printed on it in the room.

amother

Wandflower

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 10:34 am

It’s rude to be there an hour.
Go, stand at the side for 5-10 min if it’s full of people. Otherwise 2-3 min is enough.
If you have something nice to say, say it, otherwise it’s ok to just be quiet.
Concentrate on the Pasuk, say it slow, and if you make a mistake just correct yourself.
Nobody expects more from you at a shiva visit, give yourself some slack.

Amelia Bedelia

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 10:39 am

amother [ Wandflower ] wrote:

Sometimes there's just no lull in the conversation and you just can't get out when you would like to. BTDT.

Elfrida

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 10:40 am

I promise you that no one is awarding marks for how well you say HaMakom. I've seen a lot of places have it printed and hanging up so people can read it without having to worry.

Its awkward when there are a lot of people there and you don't know them so well. If you go at a quieter time you won't have to hang around so long. My experience was that the mornings are generally a lot quieter than the evenings.

If you are going, there must be some connection to someone. You can always the mourners about the niftar. Something like, 'I regret that I only had a limited acquaintance with _____, and never got a chance to fully appreciate him. Can you tell me more about him?' Don't forget that you don't speak first at a Shiva. Let the mourner lead the conversation, and take your cue from them.

One normally says HaMakom before leaving, but there are no strict rules about it.

amother

Wandflower

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 10:41 am

Amelia Bedelia wrote:

Sometimes there's just no lull in the conversation and you just can't get out when you would like to. BTDT.

Of course, if it’s a madhouse you need to wait your turn, but if it’s just a “normal” crowd, then shouldn’t be there so long

amother

Melon

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 10:46 am

If they’re saying a story or something you can ask relevant questions to show interest , but please please don’t initiate conversation with “ can you tell me something about the niftar ? ״

amother

Chestnut

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 11:02 am

amother [ Wandflower ] wrote:

I respectfully disagree. When I sat shiva, if someone only stayed 2 to 3 minutes, I would have assumed that it was a "duty call." Yeah, it wouldn't look right if we didn't show up, but we'll do the minimum and hit the road. I'd still appreciate it, of course, but that's how it would look to me.

OP, when its time to leave, get up and stand to the side of the avel. That's a sign to everyone that you're leaving, and to give a small break for you to say the pasuk.. I get nervous and stumble over the Hebrew, so I often leave with someone who says it and nod a "me too," or say it in English.

Going to the shiva is a great comfort to the avel. They won't notice your stumbles; they'll remember your kindness and comfort.

amother

Crimson

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 7:58 pm

I feel the same way as you op.
Thank you for posting.
I have a shiva call to make this week.
While I know all these things intellectually emotionally it’s another story. Don’t know why.
Know it’s not about me.
May we share good news.

amother

Stoneblue

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 8:00 pm

There were times where the hamakom message wasn't posted and I usually mess it up anyway so I have resorted to not saying hamakom, I will however say they shouldn't know of any more tzaar and we should share in Simchas only.

amother

Crimson

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 8:02 pm

Very helpful thank you.
I go sit quietly and take my cues. And maybe I’ll let go of feeling I have to say hamakom.
Bothers me that it bothers me. Gonna let go of that as well.

amother

Chambray

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 10:35 pm

As someone who sat shiva twice, both times there were hours posted but we know people from many surrounding areas so many of the people didn’t see the hours. It was the most draining experience of my life. So often I wanted to go just take a short break but then someone would walk in who drove for more than an hour to come so I was stuck there. And of course because they drove from so far they aren’t just going to come and leave after 10 minutes. Please please have rachmanus on the aveilim and keep the visit short. As for the hamokom, If you think you’ll stumble over the words, put a photo of it on your Lock Screen of your phone and read it out loud.

amother

Hosta

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 10:51 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Now I have to go to a shiva where I don't know the person or the niftar well at all and I'm just so anxious about it. Advice and pointers would be greatly appreciated!

You have to go because?
The advice I would give you is the advice I give myself: I wouldn't go. Why put myself through the torment. I'm not a masochist.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 11:27 pm

I often worry before I go to be menachem avel about saying the right thing, awkward silence, etc. Then afterward I feel like it was a meaningful experience and I made the right decision to go.