does anyone else feel like this?

amother

Thu, Apr 03 2008, 8:11 pm

I'm not proud of this, but sometimes I feel like I really don't like one of my kids. she's difficult, obnoxious, stubborn, loud, chutzpadik, and she can be very manipulative at times. she makes family life difficult. I am ashamed at my intense dislike for my own child.

does anyone else ever feel this way? Sad

Clarissa

Thu, Apr 03 2008, 8:18 pm

I've had friends who've admitted to feeling very similar feelings to the ones you're describing. Sometimes a kid is just a more difficult person, or sometimes they're going through a phase when they're being really unlikable . It's possible to love a child but just not like him or her for a while. The best we can do is to continue to connect and help them behave in a more acceptable and lovable way. Over time, they may change and mature, or you'll find new reasons to connect and feel more loving.

I have one friend who has a really easy kid (a 10 year old boy) and a very difficult daughter, who's now in her early 20's. She's been really open with me about her feelings about her daughter. I think her daughter feels loved, because my friend seems to be a really good mom. Most people I know have gone through phases of secretly being more "in love" with one than another, but that shifts over time.

itsme

Thu, Apr 03 2008, 8:19 pm

for you to dislike your own child is not fair to you and ur kid. you have to start focusing on his/her positive facters.then correct the negative ones. every child needs some menchling out. u needed it too!! dont jump to quick and ull see things r gonna straigten out. good luck !!

mimivan

Thu, Apr 03 2008, 9:18 pm

You know, think of it as an opportunity to express a higher level of love. As Rabbi Friedman says, it is very easy to love someone who is lovable. A no brainer and not too much of an accomplishment. But to love someone who has all of the qualities you mentioned...that is an achievement...

It's natural to feel this way about one's own child. Some people who lo aleinu have terrible health problems feel alienated from their own bodies and frustrated with their bodies...so it can happen with one's own children...

It is important not to feel guilty. I think alot of guilt comes from the yetzer hara to keep us from functioning properly...

amother

Thu, Apr 03 2008, 11:12 pm

many times its becauise they have your personality. also, these kids who are "difficult" often are the ones that need the most love and positive attention. may I suggest speaking to a profession and learning how to positivly connect with this child to help her succeed.

flowerpower

Thu, Apr 03 2008, 11:16 pm

I have very tough kids, the baby is so tough and abnoxious, she never sleeps either, between her and her brother theres a tantrum going on all day long. I keep thinking over and over that this is gonna be my naches down the road

yo'ma

Fri, Apr 04 2008, 10:28 am

I don't know if this would help at all or if possible, but see if you can spend time just with her, with something that she wants to do and you agree to it Smile

. Maybe, like itsme said, you'll notice her better qualities and start to like her better.
When I was in H.S., the girls in my class asked one of the teachers (I don't know why), if she likes her kids (she wasn't jewish, but that's not here nor there) and her response was, not all the time, but I love them. Most of the girls couldn't understand it, but I'm sure now that they're married and have children of their own, they can.

red sea

Fri, Apr 04 2008, 10:39 am

I agree with the pple who wrote its likely the child who is just like the parent that such feelings arise, look how hard you are to like. It brings truth to the sentiment that if a man & woman married were so alike they couldnt get along easily.

Look for yourself in the child and treat them how you would want to be treated, I think that will help you along.

gonewiththewind

Sat, Apr 05 2008, 11:24 pm

You don't have to feel guilty for having those kind of feelings...IF you don't act on them. We can't always control our emotions, we just can't use them as an excuse for not doing the right thing

mimivan

Sun, Apr 06 2008, 12:26 am

The things my son does that are the things I used to do drive me CRAZY!

It is tough seeing ourselves in a mirror, particularly if the image is not flattering. It is important to acknowledge this, if this is the case, and self-acceptance is in order...

Raisin

Sun, Apr 06 2008, 6:51 am

I could have written your post. One of my kids is very difficult. She is moody, manipulative, rude to people and me and dh find it very frustrating. And I don't think I was like that as a kid.

bh she is getting a little better...but she has been a difficult kid since she was a baby.

She has many good sides to her too and we try and focus on those, and if she is rude or nasty we punish her.

she has never been a good sleeper and I think there is a connection. When she doesn't get enough sleep she is even worse. My son, on the other hand sleeps really well...falls asleep as soon as he goes to bed, goes to bed willingly, and he is a perfect angel, happy, friendly, mostly does what he is asked, his teachers love him and so does everyone else.

mimivan

Sun, Apr 06 2008, 7:40 am

Raisin:
I've heard of this happening, in which one kid is a "perfect angel" and the other one is "difficult." Some kids' natural qualities become more pronounced because they play off each other based on the roles they fill..

Mazlich and Fabers "Siblings without Rivalry" deals with this in-depth and I know many people who have benefitted from this book..

the issue with the "difficult" one may well be a sibling issue (or it could contribute to it)

HindaRochel

Sun, Apr 06 2008, 7:47 am

I have this as well. I love all my children but I tease that if my last had been my first she'd have been my only. There is no truth to this in actuality as I would dearly love to have another child, or even two or three. But she is trying. She is very active, talkative, gets angry a lot, is disrespectful. But there is a lot of good to her as well. She is giving, very outgoing and loving, very intelligent.

It is hard to "like" people all the time. But remember love isn't a feeling but an action. It is how you act that is important.

Just love her with your actions. Take care of her, answer her needs, and try and find the positive and focus on that, while not neglecting to correct the negative behaviors.

MahPitom

Sun, Apr 06 2008, 9:22 am

amother wrote:

Actually, the very things I find annoying in dh annoys the heck out of me in the kid that resembles him the most!