Uncomfortable incident/feelings

salt

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 10:33 pm

Is your DH a kind of teacher/father figure for this guy? Sounds like it, since you say he learns with him. Was he mekarev him?

Could your DH bring up the topic with him after learning - perhaps say that his MIL was a little hurt by the way he spoke to her. See how he reacts and if he's apologetic. And offer to pay for his locks to be replaced, if that's what they seem to want.

Another thought, could it at all be possible that this guy has a bad sense of humour and was trying to be sarcastic and really doesn't mind that much?

amother

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 10:40 pm

salt wrote:

My husband is a kollel guy who learn with community members. The people might look up to him spiritually but he’s probably the same age as this guy so it wouldn’t be the place.
It does not seem like the money was the problem as my mother basically offered to cover anything from this.
In terns of the humor, I hear how that could be a dklz, but my mother is fast and gets things quickly. She’s not the type to misread the situation.

moonstone

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 10:41 pm

That was a terrible thing for him to say to your mother. I understand it was a pain to change the locks, but people lose things. It happens. It would be very hard for me to host someone who was so rude to my mother. At the very least, it would take me a long time to forgive him.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but was there a reason your mother couldn't stay at your house? I wouldn't have my mother sleep at someone else's house.

amother

Denim

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 11:07 pm

I feel like I want to find out what exactly was said.

Older women have been known to get offended quickly. It might have been a misunderstanding or a cultural clash.

salt

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 11:14 pm

amother [ Denim ] wrote:

I feel like I want to find out what exactly was said.

Older women have been known to get offended quickly. It might have been a misunderstanding or a cultural clash.

OP quoted what he said on previous page. It was rude.

amother

Wandflower

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 11:36 pm

Would pay for the locksmith etc and all involved. Would call a locksmith to find out typical cost and would give them the cash for it.
No excuse for rudeness.
Would not invite over someone who spoke to my mother this way. Would not ask them to host anyone again. Would be cordial but cool.

amother

Wine

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 4:39 am

OP, I am totally with you here. I am shocked that he said something like that to a guest and am shocked that so many posters think this is somehow excusable. It's not. Yes, it's annoying to deal with a lost key *though it's a HOUSE key not a car key* and really confused by all the people that said they would change a lock. I'm in nyc and no one changes a lock when they lose a house key...but ok. Nevertheless, you don't say things like that to people.

As far as having him over..... someone said something about dlkz. Maybe he has anger issues, maybe he is growing...yes, I'd probably have him over for a meal just so he doesn't become this awful person in my mind. Maybe he is more than that comment

amother

Poinsettia

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 4:53 am

moonstone wrote:

Good question.

mfb

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:02 am

Wow!
Off topic but I can’t believe how many people would change the lock for a lost key. Even if someone finds it, unless it’s labeled with an address how in the world would they know which house it belongs to??

amother

Wandflower

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:11 am

Changing locks is a better safe than sorry thing - because you do not know who has it or how it got lost maybe someone even took it….doubtful but how do you sleep knowing someone might have key to your house- just in case - even if unlikely.

imasinger

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:16 am

That is extremely rude and hurtful.

IMO, you and your DH are not the only ones involved in this work, and it would make sense to keep your distance for a while.

You can always reevaluate the decision after some time has passed.

kenz

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:17 am

amother [ Wandflower ] wrote:

People who try to break in can usually do so without a key. A random spare key lying on the floor with no markings is unlikely to invite burglary. If people are so stressed out about being broken into that they can’t sleep or control their feelings, they should put better security measures in place, like a dead bolt.

amother

Silver

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:47 am

Just want to post another angle.

I don’t think we realize how cultural it is to open up our homes to other peoples guests.

You imply that this person didn’t grow up in the same sort of mentality. You never even met them but were comfortable enough to ask them to host your mom and then she lost their key. To some people it’s no big deal to host company. But to others it’s much more of a big deal more uncomfortable and they may have feel pressured to do the rabbi a favor and now their key got lost.

Maybe he was rude for what he said but I am sure he was just frustrated at the situation. I don’t think you need to look down at him and avoid alll contact

amother

Stonewash

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:55 am

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

I'm in nyc and no one changes a lock when they lose a house key...

So am I and EVERYONE does. Those who don't are fools. You don't have to change the whole lock, just the cylinder, which is moderately less expensive.

amother

Stonewash

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 6:01 am

amother [ Wandflower ] wrote:

Right. For all you know the woman may have left the key in the lock, and someone came by and took it just waiting for the oppty to break in without having to "break" in.

I walk for exercise in the very early am before going to work. One morning I passed a house with the keys in the lock. I didn't want to wake up the household at 5 in the morning, but what was the alternative? The person who answered the bell wasn't happy to be roused at that hour but sure was grateful.

amother

Nasturtium

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 6:03 am

amother [ Stonewash ] wrote:

So am I and EVERYONE does. Those who don't are fools. You don't have to change the whole lock, just the cylinder, which is moderately less expensive.

I think we should take a poll. I'm in NYC and never either heard of anyone changing a lock due to a lost key. Seriously, would a burglar risk being caught trying door after door, especially in multiple family dwellings?

zaq

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 6:04 am

kenz wrote:

People who try to break in can usually do so without a key.

For a pro, this is true. As my mother used to say, "locks are for honest people." OTOH there are "crimes of opportunity," that occur when people make it easy for would-be thieves, such as leaving windows open or leaving keys in the door or the ignition.

watergirl

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 6:14 am

Just an aside, changing locks because of a lost key is some thing I’ve never heard of and sounds very extreme and paranoid.

But regardless of my opinion, who calls a locksmith to change a cylinder? They cost $15 at home depot and youtube has a million easy to follow videos with instructions. This is not something you need a locksmith to do.