My dd is embarrassed of me

amother

Ginger

Thu, Dec 16 2021, 12:45 am

The good news is that your DD is a typical teenager!

The bad news is that if she feels very strongly about it, it isn't a good idea to teach in her school.

She won't feel embarrassed of you forever, but if she ends up feeling resentful about you teaching there, those negative feelings could last for a very long time.

If it's non-negotiable (you need the money and there's no alternative), you can try to talk to DD and get her on board. ("I know it's awful to have your mother in school, but I really want to send you to camp this summer - would you really prefer that I don't teach and you stay home for the summer? How could I make things easier for you? Not hang out in the hallways? Don't wear that shaitel you think is hideous? Come early?")

Good luck! Teens are a ride, but they're incredible once they come out of the other end! (And you're incredible too, for surviving. Wink

)

amother

Calendula

Thu, Dec 16 2021, 12:55 am

Totally natural, especially if we are talking about a kid over age ten.
It’s one thing if you were already teaching there. It’s another to enter her territory once she is already there.
It’s not even a matter of embarrassment. It’s one of space. A child deserves their own special space where they aren’t judged by what their parent does.

I say all this as a teacher myself. I went to great lengths to ensure I never taught at my kids’ schools, however convenient it could have been.
(Again, little kids are different. They’re also not usually embarrassed of these things).

amother

Phlox

Thu, Dec 16 2021, 1:45 am

Very interesting to think about. I had a friend whose mother taught in our high school. She and her 2 sisters were all in her class at one point. I don't think it really bothered her, but her mother was a teacher there before.
I think, like Ginger said, maybe figure out what she's embarrassed about. Is it a certain look, or coming to school together, etc.

amother

Tealblue

Thu, Dec 16 2021, 2:45 am

From personal experience, if you can avoid it, don’t teach or work in her school. My mother did and I hated it. I wasn’t embarrassed as much as I wanted to keep home and school life separate. I felt stifled in a way. And I was a good student.
If you must, do not talk to her other teachers about her. I hated that my mother knew my grades and other stuff before me.

amother

Ebony

Thu, Dec 16 2021, 2:50 am

I also had the same thing recently
My daughters high school was out of Ivrit teacher in the beginning of the year
and jokingly
(but seriously considering bec my youngest just went to school this yr so my schedule is more free now)
I said maybe I will teach as this is one subject that I know how to speak well and enjoy.
She was legit almost crying
You can’t teach, you don’t know what the girls do and talk about the teachers….
I was like I won’t be yours
Ok Maybe I’ll have to teach in another school
or I’ll wait 2 more years when she’s out of school
Just now seems the right time to take this on bec I am looking to fill my schedule

amother

Lotus

Thu, Dec 16 2021, 3:02 am

amother [ Ebony ] wrote:

My mom was a teacher in a different school, but I was once on a group trip for teens and she ended up accompanying the group.

It was embarrassing on so many levels. I had social issues already and having my mom there didn't help me to get on with the "cool" girls.
They either complained about her and other adults in my presence and I had to listen or they avoided me to be able to complain about her without feeling bad.

I ended up torn between two worlds, didn't have as much fun as I thought I would.

imasinger

Thu, Dec 16 2021, 3:22 am

I give teens occasionally a voice but not a vote.

If this job is going to make your finances work, and without it you have problems, and there are no other probable job options, then you might consider telling her that this is necessary to afford (fill in the blank -- her favorite camp, a food everyone loves, whatever), and that you'll talk with her about ways you'll be keeping as much distance as possible between work and home.

In general, there's an initial period of adjustment, then things settle down.

If this job isn't as significant, then maybe it's best to let it go until she's out of the school. If you're settled in a job before the next kid goes to the school, it's less of an issue, especially if she's not going to be in your class.

Mindfully

Thu, Dec 16 2021, 5:54 am

This is typical teen behavior.

A few months ago this question was posed to a group of Mechanchim in the Yated newspaper. As far I remember they were unanimous in saying not to have your child in your class. I think the same would go for not being in the same school.

Let them grow up without being in the shadow of their parent.

amother

Chicory

Thu, Dec 16 2021, 7:06 am

imasinger wrote:

I definitely agree that teens should get a voice but not a vote. Listen to her concerns etc but the actual decision should be made on your own (or with your dh)
That being said, I went through a similar situation as a teen. My mother asked why I didn't want to take that particular job and we had a long discussion about it. She then went ahead and took the job. I remember thinking that she didn't care about what I had to say at all.
If you do decide to teach in her school, sit down with her and explain why you decided to go ahead with it (you don't have to give all your reasons, that may be none of her business) and then discuss a way to address all of her concerns and how to avoid different situations etc

FranticFrummie

Sat, Dec 18 2021, 8:37 am

imasinger wrote:

I give teens occasionally a voice but not a vote.

I'm with imasinger on this.

Sit down with DD and listen to what her concerns are. Try to validate her, and then see if there are ways you two can set up mutual boundaries in order to make things work. If she's not going to be in any of your classes, then she needs to be more flexible. If she passes you in the hallway, so what? Pretend you don't know her, and let her do the same.

Teens get upset by all kinds of things, but that doesn't mean you have to accommodate them all the time. Sometimes grown ups have to do things like work for a living, and children shouldn't be able to dictate what you can and cannot do. Too much bubble wrapping your child will make it harder for them to learn how to adjust as an adult. Being a little bit uncomfortable never killed anyone.

Now, if you were bopping to the music that's being played in the grocery store, and her friends are one aisle over, she can ask you to please stop. "Mama, quit it!" is something I've heard more than once. LOL

amother

Calendula

Sat, Dec 18 2021, 8:51 am

Look, obviously if your family is struggling financially and you don't have another job opening, then you do what you have to do.

But l'echatchila, if there are any other options at all, it's a really bad idea.

BTW, as an adult, I wouldn't want my dh working at my place of employment either. I think we all need some space sometimes, and the freedom to present ourselves as we wish. I don't need all my colleagues knowing so much about my private life.

FranticFrummie

Sat, Dec 18 2021, 8:55 am

amother [ Calendula ] wrote:

Maybe not in the same department, but what if you worked in marketing, and he was in research and development? What if you were a pediatric nurse, and DH was a brain surgeon?

amother

Calendula

Sat, Dec 18 2021, 9:06 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Maybe not in the same department, but what if you worked in marketing, and he was in research and development? What if you were a pediatric nurse, and DH was a brain surgeon?

I would prefer not. But obviously if we were working in a place with 3000 employees, and he was in a different field and with a different team, it would matter less.

In a school setting, usually everyone knows that your mother is on the staff and gossip gets around. It's not a huge corporation. Students talk about their teachers A LOT, mock those teachers who can't control the class, analyze what they wore how many times in a row, who they punished and why, when they said something inappropriate, etc. Who wants to be the kid of a mom who is analyzed and possibly cursed daily?

And even if your mom is a revered teacher, then who wants to be judged by her hashkafa, or questioned when you are different?

BTW - this type of setting is usually very unhealthy and uncomfortable for the mom too, especially if the kid isn't a star student. It's really unsettling to have your colleagues witness your child's worst moments, discuss them at staff meetings, relay them to you daily, etc.

FranticFrummie

Sat, Dec 18 2021, 9:26 am

amother [ Calendula ] wrote:

In a school setting, usually everyone knows that your mother is on the staff and gossip gets around. It's not a huge corporation. Students talk about their teachers A LOT, mock those teachers who can't control the class, analyze what they wore how many times in a row, who they punished and why, when they said something inappropriate, etc. Who wants to be the kid of a mom who is analyzed and possibly cursed daily?

And even if your mom is a revered teacher, then who wants to be judged by her hashkafa, or questioned when you are different?

BTW - this type of setting is usually very unhealthy and uncomfortable for the mom too, especially if the kid isn't a star student. It's really unsettling to have your colleagues witness your child's worst moments, discuss them at staff meetings, relay them to you daily, etc.

Wow, that is a LOT of loshon hara, and bad middos in general. I'm shocked. Is this the way it is in most frum schools? Is this typical BY behavior?

When I had to switch DD to a public school in second grade, she asked me "Mama, why do the non Jewish kids have so much better middos than the Jewish kids?"

I didn't have an answer for her then, but I think I do now. Sad

If this is what Jewish chinuch is, I'm glad she didn't get much of it. She may not be observant now, but she has better middos than 99% of all the other people I know.

amother

Calendula

Sat, Dec 18 2021, 9:30 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

If this is what Jewish chinuch is, I'm glad she didn't get much of it. She may not be observant now, but she has better middos than 99% of all the other people I know.

ח

Obviously I exaggerated for effect. But it has nothing to do with frum schools. I have experience in frum schools, secular schools, public schools. Kids and pupils are the same the world over. And it's healthiest if kids have a private sphere to express themselves, separate from their mom and her life. And it's healthiest for the mom too.