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A question I always wonder...

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 7:06 am
And feel likea bit of an apikorsus about it...

Is the mitzva of the day to fast today?
Like yom kippur.

I asked a rov about fasting, I have a little one and few other children one with some special needs.

He did not give me a heter outright , said to try till chatzos and then see..?
He asked if Im a bad faster, I said not terrible but I cant look after kids if im fasting
So he said you should get someone to help look after kids.

Im not sure what to make of that
Iv struggled with this since I had kids.
Are the rabbonim who are saying to fast providing girls to help me??
.what is the mitzva of the day??
Am I meant to fast and neglect my kids??

This morning I was in bed the whole time, my husband was watching the kids while listening to kinnos and he couldnt manage, but I didnt feel well enough to come down..
I heard them fighting and quarelling and my daughter was really really upset that I didnt come down to look after her.
She was really resenful she had to look after the others.

Yes, she should understand mommys fasting, but this is the reality.

I think If I was alone id manage to fast ok.
I always did before I had kids.
It was non negotiable.
But looking after multiple kids, I dont see how its possible.

Is this reasonable?
How does a woman ever manage to fast and manage with kids?
If I could get a girl to help, she'd never manage with my kids , plus I would need someone the whole day, including bedtime..till the fast ends.
Thats besides the fact that my kids would not agree.

Im very confused.

  
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amother




Blueberry
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 7:43 am
Was just thinking this yesterday. No idea how women with little children are supposed to fast. So many kids are just parked in front of the screen bec their parents can’t take care of them (and definitely no judgment there). Personally my baby kept me up all night.
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shaqued_almond




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 7:55 am
I have four little kids and am currently pregnant. I've done this for a few years now. Fasting is the main mitzvah but that doesn't mean you can't read to your kids or play with them. It's all in how you prepare. Have coloring pages for the kids, do preschool tfillah with them, make sure there's lots of snacks and food, play dolls with them while you're laying down or sitting. This year I borrowed read-aloud books from our library which plays a recording of the book. You can rotate toys and keep some toys stored away until Tisha b'av. Eat and drink well in the week before Tisha b'av so you'll be stronger. You can also watch videos together or do crafts like making paper slippers because we can't wear leather shoes.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 8:01 am
shaqued_almond wrote:
I have four little kids and am currently pregnant. I've done this for a few years now. Fasting is the main mitzvah but that doesn't mean you can't read to your kids or play with them. It's all in how you prepare. Have coloring pages for the kids, do preschool tfillah with them, make sure there's lots of snacks and food, play dolls with them while you're laying down or sitting. This year I borrowed read-aloud books from our library which plays a recording of the book. You can rotate toys and keep some toys stored away until Tisha b'av. Eat and drink well in the week before Tisha b'av so you'll be stronger. You can also watch videos together or do crafts like making paper slippers because we can't wear leather shoes.


Thanks.
You are pregnant and fasting?
And doing all these ideas with your kids.

None of these things really apply to me, my kids are too big to do these sorts of things.

They will be out the afternoon but bedtime and suppertime still need to be done.
They are all very good ideas but its very hard to implement.
I have no patience to sit and do these things with my kids hen Im fasting.
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amother




Lightyellow
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 8:06 am
Before the fast I think of easy meal ideas that my kids can basically manage on their own. That helps a lot.
My kids can make their own sandwiches, grab a yogurt or leben, the bigger kids can warm up pizza slices for the little kids, cereal for lunch, cut up fruit, etc.
I also prep clothing for the morning and pjs for the night before the fast and I tell them whoever gets dressed quickly can have a treat. I do early bedtime, and I use bribes like time with the MP3 player etc.
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amother




Eggshell
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 8:06 am
Op are you a terrible faster or its in your head?

It is ONE day only.. It will pass...
Your kids might quarrel. They might eat colorful cereal for breakfast, make a mess, eat more nosh...but its one day. I think most people can manage.

If you are seriously not feeling well, you can possibly get a heter. We are talking about general fasting. Not pleasant, but doable.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 8:11 am
My kids are going through a lot right now.

So its not just one day . Its One More day.

Yes, if I prepped like I do for yom kippur would be more manageable. But I havent and I didnt.

And I was under the impression (from what I have seen) that anyone who isnt feeling good can break it.
Until I spoke to the rov .
And I feel very misunderstood.

I had no questions when my kids were little.
Fasting was fine then.
My kids are older now and more demanding and its 100 times harder
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amother




Impatiens
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 8:12 am
There is no mitzvah of the day.
We fast to remember the churban.
You can also read holocaust stories or other things that keep you connected to the day.
There is a reason why many rabbonim exempt women.

Fast until chatzos and then end it.
You have children to take care of.

(Also not sure what the Rabbi thinks, who you can hire on Tisha Bav to watch your kids. They would also be fasting. Why would anyone else have koach to watch your kids on a fast day. Men are clueless sometimes.)
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amother




NeonYellow
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 8:15 am
This is when we need to be a little annoying and ask the Rav more questions. Get a very specific answer and don't settle for being confused
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amother




Wine
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 8:16 am
OP, its already hard for you early in the morning? I think for most it gets harder as the day progresses.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 8:23 am
amother [ Wine ] wrote:
OP, its already hard for you early in the morning? I think for most it gets harder as the day progresses.


It is after chatzos for me where I live.

I think If I could do nothing the rest of the day Id maybe be ok. But my kids are coming home soon, and my husband isnt feeling great either and I am dreading the long hours in between till bedtime.
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amother




Wine
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 8:33 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It is after chatzos for me where I live.

I think If I could do nothing the rest of the day Id maybe be ok. But my kids are coming home soon, and my husband isnt feeling great either and I am dreading the long hours in between till bedtime.


I think OP posted that it was hard in the morning.
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 9:04 am
What he meant was try to figure out a way to have your kids taken care of and also be able to fast. You didn't tell him that you can't do that. I'm assuming the answer would be that you shouldn't fast.
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amother




Gray
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 9:16 am
I have the same question. my husband hasnt been home yet since leaving the house at 8:00 this morning. and [probably wont be home until after 3:00 pm. and my newborn, of course, wants to nurse more often than usual. aside for the demand of the older few. of course im zapped. I didnt ask any rabbi, but if I get dizzy, nauseous and weak, im going to break my fast. no use being a dead hero.
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amother




DarkGreen
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 9:22 am
shaqued_almond wrote:
I have four little kids and am currently pregnant. I've done this for a few years now. Fasting is the main mitzvah but that doesn't mean you can't read to your kids or play with them. It's all in how you prepare. Have coloring pages for the kids, do preschool tfillah with them, make sure there's lots of snacks and food, play dolls with them while you're laying down or sitting. This year I borrowed read-aloud books from our library which plays a recording of the book. You can rotate toys and keep some toys stored away until Tisha b'av. Eat and drink well in the week before Tisha b'av so you'll be stronger. You can also watch videos together or do crafts like making paper slippers because we can't wear leather shoes.

I don’t think fasting is the main mitzvah on tisha b’av the same way it is on Yom Kippur. Many women CANT read to or play with their kids when they are fasting. I think on tisha b’av the main thing is the somber ness of the day, vs. the fasting. On Yom Kippur a man should stay home and daven alone if his wife will have difficulty, because the main thing is to fast, not necessarily to daven. We don’t have such a thing on tisha b’av. It is much easier and simpler to get a heter to break one’s fast on tisha b’av than it is for Yom Kippur, because fasting is the main thing on Yom Kippur.
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amother




PlumPink
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 9:26 am
We (chassidish, bobov) hold that nursing or pregnant women shouldn't fast past chatzos. I know many other chassidish people that also do this. This year, because it's a nidche, I know that I can most likely get a heter easily to even break my fast beforehand if needed. If my baby would be a newborn (under 3 months) and having a growing spurt, I might very done that but since he's already 5 months, even if he's ebf I'm gonna stick it out till chatzos.
OP if it's really hard for you ask your rav again if you can break your fast by chatzos. Given your sn child, and the fact that it's a nidche I hope you get a positive response.

Easy fast to all!
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amother




Tanzanite
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 9:48 am
I get resentful when I get an out of touch answer from a rov. Hire someone? Who exactly? Anyone capable of watching my kids is also fasting.

I would ask a different rov.
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amother




Currant
 

Post Sun, Aug 07 2022, 10:11 am
If husband wasn't listening to kinnos while looking after them would he manage better?
Because it may be better for him not to read kinnos if that is the case
Just a thought
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