Why did you fail me?!

amother

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 10:36 pm

I dont know if this is the right forum for this but I hope it'll do.

There was a rebbee in my community who passed away a number of years ago. He was in his 60s or 70s. So he was in the prime of his life. It came as a shock to the community. He was considered a legendary rebbee, having innovated certain techniques and methods that were copied in other schools. The yeshiva dinner that year was dedicated in memory of him and they played an emotional video talking about what a wonderful man he was. What a master mechanech he was, how much love and patience he showed each child. It was a real loss for the school, for our entire community.

I didn't personally know him, since he had never taught any of my boys, but I did have the opportunity to meet him once.

I was a relatively new teacher, teaching high school girls. There was one particular class that I taught twice a week. The class was not the easiest class. All the teachers in the school had a hard time with them. Quite a few of the girls had a very tough attitude and general lack of respect. But there was one girl who stood out. Let's call her Bina Gold.

Bina sauntered in whenever she wanted to. She sat in the back and talked, or otherwise disturbed. She never did her homework and she handed in her quizzes completely empty. She always seemed very angry. But more than that, she had an air of apathy, like she could not care less about the fact that she was in a class. I tried to talk to her at one point but the conversation went nowhere. She smirked and rolled her eyes, and generally showed she felt nothing but disdain. I didn't take it personally, because I realized she was a troubled girl.

Perhaps I could have done more to reach out to her. The unfortunate reality is that most high school teachers have at least 100 students a year. So your time is limited. When a girl is not performing, you reach out to her, but if she isn't interested, well, there's a limit to what you can do. Also, for some classes you are their "main" teacher- because you teach them 4 times a week. But you obviously have less time to devote to the students that you teach only once or twice a week.

About a week before PTA, report cards went out. A day or two later, as I came down the hallway, some of the girls in this class bombarded me to discuss their grades. This was somewhat unexpected. But the biggest shock was that as soon as I entered the room, Bina, who never bothered to acknowledge me, shouted from the back of the classroom, "I can't believe you failed me! My parents were so mad, you are going to hear from them."

I ignored her comment and started my class. But then, after the class, she came over to me and, arms folded, demanded, "why did you fail me?!"

I raised my eyebrows in surprise and said, "I failed you??"

She said, "YES!! You failed me!"

I shook my head. "No, that's not true. I didn't fail you."

She stamped her food indignantly, "You did! I'm telling you! I got an F in your class!"

I said, "You may have gotten an F in my class, but it doesn't mean I failed you. "

"Huh?"

"I didn't fail you. Maybe you failed, it's true. But I didn't fail you."

She looked at me as if I grew a horn on my forehead. "I don't get it."

I said, "I came to school each day prepared, I taught the class, I try to help each girl succeed. If you chose not to learn, then YOU failed the class. I merely gave you the grade you earned.... But I didn't fail you. "

I'm not sure she appreciated my distinction at all, but she turned on her heel and offered a parting shot, "Well my father is really mad. You will be hearing from him. "

I felt sorry for her, but I knew she needed major help. I actually forgot all about the encounter until the night of PTA.

PTA started off well enough. It's nice to meet parents after teaching their daughter for a few months. Many parents are just so sweet and grateful and tell you how much their daughters love you. But mostly, it helps to meet parents because you understand a bit where they are coming from.
BH I had many positive meetings, and I was able to share in the nachas with the parents who came.

And then Bina's parents, Rabbi and Mrs. Gold walked in. Rabbi Gold had an expression of thunder on his face. As he was approaching, before he even reached the desk, he demanded, "Can I know what is the meaning of this!?!"

If this was a play, I would say to take that line out because it sounds too unrealistic. But that's what happened. His opening words to me were "Can I know what is the meaning of this?!"

I was a bit rattled but I smiled at them and said, "Hi, good evening. Thank you for coming. Please sit down."
He was a bit thrown, I could tell, but he sat down. He repeated his outrage that I dared fail his daughter.

I actually don't remember much about the conversation, only that I calmly shared with him what efforts I had taken to get his daughter to learn and how she acted. That she handed in empty quizzes and that she failed the midterm. They were surprised, though I'm not sure why. I also remember that they left calmer and with smiles on their faces.

The rest of the year is a blur in my memory. This happened many years ago. What stands out in memory is the look on his face as he entered the room, and his strident tone of voice as he demanded "can I know what is the meaning of this?!", like I was somehow the enemy. I remember being less than impressed with a person who meets his daughter's teacher for the first time, and before even sitting down, before saying hello, goes right for the attack. I remember being taken aback that a self-respecting man could behave in so undignified a manner.

I don't really judge him. I didnt judge him then either. I understand he was mad that his daughter got a fail and he lost himself. We all have our off-days. But since that was the only encounter I had with him, there was nothing to balance out that first impression.

And so, when I was sitting at that school dinner, watching that moving tribute to Rabbi Gold, a great mechanech, a rebbee overflowing with love and patience for every talmid, I couldn't shake the image of that angry, thunderous face.

I didn't tell anyone what happened. I have never told this story before. Bina ended up leaving our school after that year and going to a school out of town. I assume she is long married now and hopefully settled and happy.

Before anyone jumps on me for failing to be in contact with the parents before giving her the F, the school made that a policy a few years later. But at the time (many years ago) there was no such policy. I was teaching many classes and had lots of students, and often it would happen that I didn't even know a girl was failing until I graded her midterm the night before grades were due.

Some teachers have the policy never to give any girl an F, no matter what she deserves. I can respect that. But, the way I see it, the F is there for a reason, just as the D and B and A are.

But many teachers have that policy and the girls know it. So, some years, I get asked by the girls, "Mrs. K- do you ever fail kids? "
And I always give them a horrified look and say, "Chas veshalom!" And they breathe a sigh of relief.

Then I add, matter of factly, that if they fail the class, they WILL see an F on the report card, and they give me this confused look.

I try to explain to them that the onus is on them, not the teacher. When they say "my teacher failed me, " they are essentially obsolving themselves from responsibility. They are not taking ownership for their own actions. Only the teacher is to blame. Instead, try saying , "I failed in Mrs. K's class" , not, "Mrs. K failed me." It feels different.

And I wasn't only talking about a teacher/student relationship.

And sometimes, I see the light of understanding flicker in their eyes as it clicks. And if they remember nothing of the lessons I taught them when they leave the school, I hope that at least this is something they do remember and take with them for life.

amother

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 12:44 pm

amother [ Nemesia ] wrote:

There’s a famous rav who died a few years ago. Probably almost every member here heard of him. “Everyone” loved him. He gave soo much of his time to help people. Books written about him. Blah blah etc etc.

He treated me like dirt at a very low point in my life.
I also heard, only after the fact, that he could be misogynistic at times and that my story was not unique.

Does that mean he was a bad person? No, people are complex. Still, I can’t forget how he treated me.

I'm so sorry for your experience. When a famous rav loses your respect, it can affect your trust in rabbonim in general.

I try to keep in mind that all of us have some bad days. Many people would consider me a nice person. But I'm sure there were people who I've hurt over the years. When you interact with many people over the course of many years, there will be some people who will get to see the less favorable side of you.

To be honest, I didn't want the takeaway of this story to be the idea that some rabbonim are lauded in public, but in private are not very nice. We've heard that enough times, unfortunately.

What I was really trying to bring out more was the idea of that people tend not to take ownership for their own actions. When I say "my teacher failed me" , the sentence structure (the subject being the teacher) puts the blame on the teacher. The teacher did it. The student was just a victim. And that's wrong (assuming the teacher was fair).

Author Rabbi Dr. David Lieberman writes something in his book Real Power that was mind blowing for me when I first read it. (I am saying over the gist of it by memory, so it's possible I'm not explaining it perfectly.)

There is something called Neuro Linguistic programming. Or NLP.

It's when the language that we use affects our perception. And vice versa.
So we say:
"My mother makes me so mad." "My kid makes me so [fill in the blank with an emotion]." Etc.
The fact is that another person cannot make you have an emotion. You are the only one who can make yourself have that emotion.
Just as the other person cannot make you have blue eyes or brown hair, he cannot make you mad or sad.

If you get mad when he behaves a certain way, that is you choosing that emotional response to his behavior.

But more so, when we SAY that someone is creating an emotion in us, we are essentially denying our choice here. We are saying- I have no choice that I am boiling mad. My kid makes me so mad! It's not my fault, my kid did this to me.

But that's wrong. We have the choice about how to feel about any given thing. The proof is that two different people will sometimes react differently to the same behavior. One person might find it funny or endearing. The next person will find it infuriating. That's the element of choice.

And the way we express it, affects our perception of it.

When I first learned this I had a hard time wrapping my head around it.

But then the next time I found myself getting angry at something my child was doing, and I was about to say "Youre making me very angry!" I felt this switch in my head, and had this "aha" moment. I realized, HE is not making me angry. HE has no control over my feelings. ONLY I control my emotions. I may not like his behavior and I may get angry but that's on me. HE isn't making me angry. It's my choice. It really brought the concept home to me.

So in my story with the failing grade, it's not exactly the same idea. But what's the same is the language piece. When the student says "my teacher failed me" she is placing the onus on the teacher rather than taking responsibility for her own failing grade.

And that's why most kids won't say "I failed this grade" because it's uncomfortable for them to be taking responsibility. It's much easier to say "my teacher failed me. "

amother

Ruby

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 12:54 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm so sorry for your experience. When a famous rav loses your respect, it can affect your trust in rabbonim in general.

I try to keep in mind that all of us have some bad days. Many people would consider me a nice person. But I'm sure there were people who I've hurt over the years. When you interact with many people over the course of many years, there will be some people who will get to see the less favorable side of you.

To be honest, I didn't want the takeaway of this story to be the idea that some rabbonim are lauded in public, but in private are not very nice. We've heard that enough times, unfortunately.

What I was really trying to bring out more was the idea of not taking ownership for my own actions. When I say "my teacher failed me" , the sentence structure puts the blame on the teacher. And that's wrong (assuming the teacher was fair).

Author Rabbi Dr. David Lieberman writes something in his book Real Power that was mind blowing for me when I first read it. (I am saying over the gist of it by memory, so it's possible I'm not explaining it perfectly.)
There is something called Neuro Linguistic programming. Or NLP.
It's when the language that we use affects our perception. And vice versa.
So we say:
"My mother makes me so mad." "My kid makes me so [fill in the blank with an emotion] etc.
The fact is that another person cannot make you have an emotion. You are the only one who can make yourself have that emotion.
Just as the other person cannot make you have blue eyes or brown hair, he cannot make you mad or sad.
If you get mad when he behaves a certain way, that is you choosing that emotional response to his behavior.

But more so, when we SAY that someone is creating an emotion in us, we are essentially denying our choice here. We are saying- I have no choice that I am boiling mad. My kid makes me so mad! It's not my fault, my kid did this to me.

But that's wrong. We have the choice about how to feel about any given thing. The proof is that two different people will sometimes react differently to the same behavior. One person might find it funny or endearing. The next person will find it infuriating. That's the element of choice.

And the way we express it, affects our perception of it.

When I first learned this I had a hard time wrapping my head around.
But then the next time I found myself getting angry at something my child was doing, and I was about to say "Youre making me very angry!" I felt this switch in my head, and had this aga moment. I realized, HE is not making me angry. HE has no control over my feelings. ONLY I control my emotions. I may not like his behavior and I may get angry but that's on me. HE isn't making me angry. It's my choice. It really brought the concept home to me.

So in my story with the failing grade, it's not exactly the same idea.
But what's the same is the language piece. When the student says "my teacher failed me" she is placing the onus on the teacher rather than taking responsibility for her own failing grade. And that's why most kids won't say "I failed this grade" because it's uncomfortable for them to be taking responsibility. It's much easier to say "my teacher failed me. "

I didn’t want to comment on your story originally because this forum is about writing more than the content. However, I disagree that the onus of a failing grade is the sole responsibility of a student. Your job as a teacher is to keep track of your students’ progress, no matter how many students you have. If you can’t do this, then in essence you are failing your student in another sense as well. If you have too many students to keep track of their progress, then perhaps it is time to rethink your student load. Your responsibility as a teacher is to reach out to struggling students and provide guidance to help them succeed. I believe that a child usually fails when expectations exceed capabilities. I’m a pretty nice person but if my child’s teacher would have this attitude then I would be upset, too.

amother

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 1:40 pm

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

I agree with you.
Everyone shares in the responsibility of the children in their care. The teacher, the parent, the principal etc.

In a perfect world, every parent would give 100% to every child, every teacher would give 100% to every student in the class, and every principal would give 100% to every student in the school. Of course, that's not the reality, and it cannot be the reality.

The question of who is responsible for a failing grade is in the degrees. In a high school class (which differs from elementary), the student assumes the majority of the responsibility for her grade. Assuming she is capable, and the teacher is a good and fair teacher. If the teacher teaches the class and fulfills what's expected of her, the onus is now on the student to perform. Do you disagree with that?

Of course, when anything fails, it's common to point fingers at everyone else.
All I'm trying to bring across over here is that the language we use mirrors very much how we process the experience.

Let's say (for arguments sake) we can say in a specific example that the teacher truly did every single thing in her capability to help the student succeed. She spent extra time with her, she called the parents, arranged tutoring etc. And the student, though capable, still fails.

And she looks at her grade and says "my teacher failed me."
This is a very convenient way to shift the blame. The subject of the sentence is the teacher. But if she says "I failed this class", it could actually make her feel the consequenses of her own choices here.

You know what makes me laugh? You can have a girl or a bachur who is a star student, gets straight A's through school, model behavior, goes onto yeshiva or seminary, is a star in every way and goes on to be a success in life. Every teacher and mechanech loves to point to that student and say, "he was my talmid/she was my student." "He was a talmid of our yeshiva", as if that alone is the reason he is a success. Never mind that she entered your seminary at age 18 and was a star when she came in. We love to take credit for the successes.
But when it's a failing student, no one is rushing to take responsibility.

Now in my case, could I have done more? Perhaps. I'm not looking to excuse myself when I said that I had too many students. Only to explain the reality of the situation that exists in most BY high schools.

If I could go back in time, would I do more? I don't know. After approaching the student (a 10th grader) , possibly several times (I don't recall exactly), I'm not sure it's my job to chase after her. I approached her and she made it very clear that she had no interest. I could have called the parents, yes. I could have spoken to the principal. (Maybe I did). But, there is a limit to how much a teacher is expected to do. Do you disagree about that?

Sure, some teachers go above and beyond, and they are amazing. But let's realize that they are going above and beyond. It's not part of their official duty.

There were definitely times over the years, I have gone beyond my official duty to help ceratin students succeed. I invited them to learn one-on-one with me, or arranged for someone to help them, or spent a lot of extra time. I made up special tests for challenged students. But only if I saw cooperation and willingness on their end. And most kids are very eager to cooperate when the teacher offers extra help. What happened with Bina was unique.

You wrote:
Your responsibility as a teacher is to reach out to struggling students and provide guidance to help them succeed

And after the teacher reaches out, and the student still fails? Whose responsibility is it then? In my case, I did reach out to her.

You wrote: I’m a pretty nice person but if my child’s teacher would have this attitude then I would be upset, too.
I humbly submit to you that it was not "the teachers" attitude that was lacking here, but rather the student's attitude. And perhaps, she got this attitude from her father who clearly was also ready to blame the teacher when he saw the fail, even before exchanging a single word with her.

amother

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 1:55 pm

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

My own children have been in high school, as well as elementary. Honestly, If my child came home with an F on their report card (which may have happened once or twice) I cannot imagine immediately jumping to "how dare the teacher fail my kid!" It actually really confuses me that a parent would think that way.

I would rather assume that my child didn't do what she should have done and deserved the Fail. And if she is otherwise a great student, I would question her, ask her what happened. I would ask to see her tests.
To come to PTA to blast the teacher and say, what is the meaning of this?!.... Scratching Head

(The only valid complaint I think he could have is why I did not reach out to the parents to let them know beforehand. But that was not what he was upset about. )

Chickensoupprof

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 2:29 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

It's no secret that a lot of principals/mechanchim their kids are extremely snobby/behavioral and so are their parents.
My sister's michaneches drove my sister crazy. She played mind games with her. She is one the most famous Yidish female speakers. People say they dream they can be as calm as she is. Well she's a witch. She crushed a ton of kids self esteem.
I had a boss who is a narcissist and her father was a Rosh yeshiva in a famous yeshiva.
It comes with upper class garbage.
The same thing is with upper class families should it be Yichus, money.
People have a power to build yet they crush people's lives.

I know of a boy whose father is the biggest financial supporter of a school. This school has mostly non-frum children his parents are more religious than average only because they keep shabbos and kosher.
This boy is having serious behavioral issues and his grades are dropping with his grades now he can't go to university something his parents are blaming the teachers for. This kid has always had a new gadget and everything, he gets everything that he wants and is to be fair really abusive. I was once around him and he was so rude and had a vocabulary that I didn't even have as a secular child growing up let alone I would say that to an adult. But this child is never in the wrong, no he gets the newest phone and a trip to Dubai. My cousin was a teacher in his class and this kid knew he would get away with the most chutzpadik behavior. This is a serious issue in (partly) private schools. I'm about to maybe iyh become a teacher and I'm determined only to do chol and not kodesh because I want rather be paid by the government (that is how it is here) than private and being told I can't correct a child if he/she is not doing nice.

Sometimes we see the person behind the 'mask' or behind the status or position, they are in. The person who has it all and knows it all and is so well respected in everything can be in the doctor's office a rude and demanding person or maybe a really insecure and sad person.

amother

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 3:28 pm

amother [ Chicory ] wrote:

I think your answer to your student is smart alecky.
Their question is if it is or isn’t your policy to grade with an F.
Answer their question like a mentch instead of focusing on the bad Grammar.

About that particular student- it was your responsibility to call the parents and see what this girls issue was.
My parents were very upset when they would find out at PTA after months went by, that one of the kids needed help or something needed to be worked on. Such a waste of a few months. How are the parents supposed to know to take care of an issue if the child isn’t telling and the teacher doesn’t care to inform about the struggle.
You also never know what kind of things the daughter had said about you to the father. I wouldn’t be so quick to think that this was only about the grade.

About the way I answered the student, it may have been "smart-alecky", but I was trying to give over a broader message, along with answering their question. (Sometimes the lasting messages a student learns is borne out from the way the teacher presents the idea. ) Sorry if it's not your cup of tea. One student may not appreciate the "smart alecky" way it was answered, while another would get a kick out of it and appreciate it even more than learning it directly.

You are right about the second point. That's why the school put in place a policy that parents must be notified in advance if they are in danger of failing. I mentioned several times that I should have done that, though again, that didn't seem to be what the father was upset about.

It could be the daughter said things about me. But I highly doubt it. I was a relatively "minor" teacher for this class, and other than the once or twice where I reached out to her, I had no interactions with her. I taught a standard subject, nothing controversial.

My impression was that I, and my class, played a very insignificant part in her life until she saw her grade and it didn't look pretty on the report card. Like, my class was not important to be bothered with. But it translated in an F on the report card..Then she took notice.
In other words, I don't think she disliked me personally. I think she just had issues in general with school.
But who knows?

Eta: you wrote:" you should have answered her like a mencth instead of focusing on the bad grammar"
Um. This was not about grammar. At all. Sorry you misunderstood the entire point of the story.