S/O alternatives to potching

amother

Moccasin

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 9:18 am

amother OP wrote:

I don't have cleaning help, taxis, and am about 10 months behind in promised birthday gifts. (I don't usually offer prizes for behavior.) A $45 parenting book is kind of steep.

The reason why I'm asking how to get my kid under control now is that most of the time they are fine, normal, or at least can be reasoned with. But in the moments of extreme behavior, it doesn't help that 10 minutes ago we had a nice discussion.

It's NOT about obedience. It's about stopping destructive or dangerous behavior when a child is past rational thought.

OP I would like to offer to buy you the book.

cupcake123

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 9:31 am

Chayalle wrote:

Parenting is about never getting to that point where a child is past rational thought. It's parenting so that child doesn't escalate like that.
Once child is at that point, you basically walk away so that child doesn't get hurt. Or restrain and put child into a closed room for everyone's safety. But parenting books and courses are about not getting there, for the most part.
After I took Mrs. Trenk's parenting course, my home became a different place. Even my 4 year old who did tantrum, tantrummed differently. It was a process that spilled over. It wasn't about a specific really escalated situation and how to deal, because that didn't happen any more, to be honest.

Does she still give courses ?

amother

Ghostwhite

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 10:10 am

When you constantly hit then the child stops caring. Also once this becomes a pattern then nothing else will work. It’s not easy in the beginning but you really need to change your whole parenting style and when the kid realizes that they will respond much quicker. I love the 123 magic (like was mentioned earlier you can get from library) it’s a count to three calmly and if it’s an emergency I usually just start with 2 and my kids figure out asap to stop. With little kids another strategy that really works and they love is the “magic eyes make me a surprise” or other playful parenting techniques. When you switch parenting modes then you will see you have much more cooperative kids all around. I have one sensory kid who acts up and very often a very tight hug and some attention solves it.

#BestBubby

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 10:38 am

GhostWhite, you are an abuser!

123 Magic promotes (gasp!) Time Out.

All the parenting experts say Time Out or any punishment or criticism at all is all Abuse.

Even though you say Time out Works, you must ignore the evidence and bow down to the Experts.

Sarcasm

Modern parenting experts have a leftist agenda to abolish all parental influence over children so government and entertainment are the only evil influence on children..

Experts tell parents they are not even allowed to use rewards to influence their children!!!

See alfie Kohn.

WhatFor

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 11:05 am

OP, I think you mentioned none of your kids were evaluated because it was across the board and I think the implication was that you didn't think all kids would have the same behavioral issue genetically? I'm just addressing that point here, I'm not suggesting any of your kids do have such an issue. You haven't mentioned if they ever had any issues at school or if their issues appear atypical to their peers. So maybe none of this applies. But I just wanted to respond to the idea that when all or most kids behave a certain way, that it's less likely to be from a neurodivergence.

First of all, it is possible that multiple kids in a family have a neurodivergence like ADHD, because the understanding is that it's hereditary. If either you or their father have ADHD (or especially if both parents) this significantly increases the chances that they have ADHD.

Second, when one or especially multiple kids in a family have untreated behavioral issues, especially if severe, it can ultimately make the other neurotypical kids react and behave in ways so that they appear to also have those issues. Obviously the brain of a neurotypical kid raised in a relatively calm home is going to look different than the brain of a neurotypical kid raised with a dysregulated older sibling who might strike them at any time, or even just invade their space.

You mentioned your olders appeared to have grown out of their behavior issues. Maybe so. But I just wanted to mention that with ADHD, older kids can often become better at masking their symptoms and behaving more appropriately, even though their condition hasn't changed. If untreated, they may still struggle, especially when life becomes more demanding, such as when they have kids of their own.

Which brings me to my point about... if one of the parents have an untreated condition, it can and will affect their children and their behavior. ADHD is very much about regulation, including emotional regulation. Parenting can be overwhelming for anyone. Take someone who has difficulty organizing things then add challenges with emotional regulation, it's going to have a domino effect in kids' behavior, even more prominent in those children who inherited this lovely condition.

I'm not saying you or DH have ADHD, of course, I'm just addressing that if someone did have it, this could be relevant. And if so, the quickest method to sanity would be diagnosis and treatment.

WhatFor

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 11:23 am

amother Bisque wrote:

100%. But things do happen occasionally that are extremely dangerous and there needs to be a consequence

You're talking about a twenty-month old. You sound like you have a lot on your plate with a newborn and a 1.5 year old, so I'm not at all saying this with a condescending intention, even though online this is how things come across.

There does not "need to be a consequence" for a twenty-month old. No. This is simply wrong. Your 1.5 year old is still a baby and still needs to be treated like one. He needs full time supervision like every 1.5 year old, so that he doesn't do things to endanger himself or others. Kal vachomer if he's as agile and intelligent as you describe: just because he's advanced in fine motor skills, doesn't mean that he's advanced emotionally and intellectually to understand everything he's doing. He's not supposed to have the regulatory capability and impulse control of a four year old. He's not even two years old.

If there must be a "consequence" (if you want to call it that), the consequence is that his parents sit down and look at what happened, and what setup they could arrange to avoid that. That is it. If the bottom line is that you can't keep him from running into the street when you have the newborn with you, then you simply can't travel alone with him and the newborn. Although I'm wondering if there are other ways to go in and out of the car that don't give him the opportunity to run. Hitting him is wrong and damaging. It simply is. I don't agree with hitting ever, but even those who justify it somehow don't generally agree with hitting 1yos.

Separately, does he take normal naps during the day? How much consistent one-on-one time do you get with him? What is he doing/are you doing immediately before he, for example, tries to hit the baby?

You sound like you're overwhelmed and need help, which is perfectly understandable. Do you have resources to get help? Family that can hold the newborn while you take the older one out?

amother

Pansy

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 11:32 am

I also struggle with this. I potch when I am at my wits end. My children are as you describe but they do have diagnoses and they are all in a mix of therapy and medication. None of it helps IN the moment. I consider myself a very attuned mother, my kids get tons of attention and help. But when they lose themselves it's like there is no point of return. They are getting too big to move, or hug tightly or restrain.
I looked at the recommendation of those books just now. Each is $50 and I have kids in both age groups. That's $100 for something I don't know I'll be able to do. It's unfortunate that something so apparently valuable is not attainable because of the crazy cost.

amother

Mayflower

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:24 pm

amother Bisque wrote:

it’s not about anger it’s about stopping them in their tracks which is also important. And letting them know that this behavior is not acceptable. I can’t say that we never had repeats but certain dangerous behaviors were never repeated (there was an incident with easy off in someone else’s house and the host screamed at him for 10 minutes straight (to me this seems more abusive then a potch but ok). He never goes near this cabinet again when we go visit.

I think whatever you choose to do you need to be confident in your choice. So if you choose to use the leash, it should come from a place within yourself that you are confident with so that even if other people tell you off, you can calmly and confidently nod your head and walk on (or have a quick response to them).
You can also take the child to their crib. Say something short - like a key word - “uh oh” or something short like - when you’re ready to be safe you can come out and you set a timer for 3 minutes and then they can come out. And you’ll likely have to repeat that a couple times but eventually they will learn and will not repeat that behavior.

amother

Tulip

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 3:03 pm

As a mother of 3 (yes! Never go the country!) Pandas/lyme/ae kiddos ranging from toddler to teens who tend to rage badly when sick, here are my tips and tricks.
1. Do NOT escalate the situation by engaging in a power struggle.
2. Look up deescalation tips and videos and safe holds online for autistic children.
3. I try to get them (even big kids) into a safe space or on a bed...lie with them in safe hold mode if they are being violent. Get ice and put on back of neck (it triggers a different part of brain. Put a weighted blanket. Talk to them calmly the whole time. "You are very upset about xy...we can't hit or throw things...let's take deep breaths...you are going to be here in safe space until you can remain calm...and we can talk about it...again and again repeat softly and calmly...the less you scream yell etc the faster the deescalation...
4. In my case motrin does wonders in calming them as well.
5. Again, give in if it isn't dangerous and DONT escalate or get into power struggles.