S/O alternatives to potching

amother

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 8:47 pm

There are plenty of times when kids push our buttons, get destructive, wild, dangerous, out of control, are not able to respond to questions about feelings or time outs or deep breathing or any instructions.

On the other thread ( https://www.imamother.com/foru.....36582 ) posters stated that they have alternatives.

Please contribute to my toolbox of ways to deal with edge case behaviors IN THE MOMENT so as to avoid potching.

(I am aware that there are often ways to avoid the misbehavior from the outset, but those don't work immediately. To get out of a cycle of potching, I need to be able to deal with the behaviors even if they DO happen.)

Growing

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 9:08 pm

1. a warning

2. a consequence that is relative almost immediately and that I will carry out. e.g. - you will not be getting any of the icecream. you may only take one snack. you cannot go buy your prize tomorrow only the next day

3. leave the room where the child is and say: I will go into another room until you _____________

If the child is being very agressive I physically take the child to his room

The only time potching happens is when the child is hitting me kicking me or removing my clothes - I only potch until that stops which is usually after one or two potches

the main point is that children need to learn that there are consequences to their actions
but some childen need to learn how to regulate their emotions

NechaMom

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 9:11 pm

On the other thread you said your kids are hard and have meltdowns often.
Did you try Dr. S. Yaroslowitz’s techniques? She has a strict approach without hitting that should work on tough kids. Some people don’t like it because it’s strict, but if your alternative is hitting you might need a strict method. It’s not a quick fix. It takes practice until you get there. Hitting is a lazy shortcut. Her book is called “Are Your Hands Full”.

amother

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 9:17 pm

Warnings and consequences are great for a kid who is in conscious control of themselves. When my kids is beyond logical reasoning, they don't care about any consequences or threats. And if I leave the room they continue being destructive to other children and property. I can't just walk away and let the rest of the kids be terrorized.

I do sometimes take a child to their room, but I need to physically lift them, drag them, hold them and prevent them from kicking me on the way. They often are crying that I'm hurting them. I don't see how it's better than hitting them.

amother

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 9:20 pm

NechaMom wrote:

I have read A LOT of parenting books. How is this different/better than Nurtured Heart, Explosive Child, Playful Parenting, Janet Lansbury, etc.?

I do work on the proactive part of avoiding issues and trying to create a positive atmosphere so misbehavior is not so common.

But in the moment is where I struggle. I don't want to hit, but I honestly don't know how to get my kids to stop when they seem to be past the point of reasoning.

Lifeguarding courses used to tell you to slap the drowning person to get them to stop instinctively thrashing and stopping you from rescuing them. That's what I sometimes feel like doing. Slap them to stop them from the wildness so we can work proactively on solving the problem.

amother

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 9:23 pm

amother Brickred wrote:

Get to the root of the problem.

Mazel Tov. I'd love to. If this does not come with a practical step-by-step guide of how to do so, it's patronizing and useless.

(This type of behavior is not unique to one of my children, it's across the board. Some kids more frequently, some less.)

amother

Pistachio

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 9:25 pm

NechaMom wrote:

can you tell me a little more?

NechaMom

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 9:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

She gives you physical ideas like hand over hand. Where you are physically in control over what your child does without the need for hitting. I think the books you mentioned are mostly proactive. She has ideas for in the moment!

amother

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 9:27 pm

NechaMom wrote:

What is "hand over hand"?

Growing

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 9:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

1. the point of the consequence is to deter them from a repeat
2. you leave the room and take the other children with you
3. taking them to their room - even if you accidentally hurt them because they are resisting - is different than potching - it's setting a boundary

These children typcially need therapy from mom or therapist how to regulate intense emotions

NechaMom

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 9:28 pm

amother Pistachio wrote:

can you tell me a little more?

https://www.handsfullchinuch.com/

Honestly it’s not something I can repeat in just a post. It’s a full fledged method. I took her course plus have her books and recommend it for kids who need strict parenting. Not all kids need such a strict approach. It’s good to have all kinds of tools in your toolbox.

amother

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 9:33 pm

Growing wrote:

All of my kids need therapy? That doesn't seem very logical, especially since they outgrow it (I also have teens).

Consequences DO NOT HELP once a kid is beyond rational thinking. It's like the older child version of a tantrum, but a destructive and sometimes dangerous tantrum. Until they are back in communicative mode, nothing you threaten them with makes a difference.

Shlepping a heavy child up the stairs is going to hurt them. I'm not strong enough to carry a kicking punching child upstairs, I need to drag them. It honestly feels very abusive.

I still fail to see why potching to get them to switch out of this mode is so much worse.

amother

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 9:34 pm

NechaMom wrote:

I've invested a lot into parenting books. We are not in a financial position to invest more into another method unless I can hear what kind of tools it has to offer and know that it is actually likely to help.

If there is nothing that can be shared in a post, but you need to buy the whole package, it's not likely to work for me.

amother

Pistachio

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 9:34 pm

NechaMom wrote:

I don’t understand what strict parenting means if not punishment that’s usually the context I’ve heard it in
Any exampl?

amother

Pistachio

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 9:37 pm

Growing wrote:

What therapy? Looking for someone in Boro park if you can recommend?

amother

Brunette

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 9:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

Libraries are a thing you know.

NechaMom

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 10:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

Why wouldn’t it work for you if you need some guidance from a book? Parenting is not a quick fix especially if you resort to hitting easily.