S/O alternatives to potching

NechaMom

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:01 am

amother OP wrote:

TBH, that’s better than the trauma of ch”v getting hurt from that stuff.

I think a recurring theme here is parents using hitting to stop dangerous behavior in the moment. So far no alternative has been offered although apparently a $50 parenting book might have some suggestions.

The book itself is way cheaper than that. But once again, dealing with difficult kids can’t be helped with one thread. I’m sorry about that. I do like some ideas offered on this thread but maybe it’s not enough for you. If you find yourself resorting to hitting you have no choice but learn methods either with parenting experts or books.

amother

Bisque

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:01 am

amother DarkOrange wrote:

No. You deserve a potch for letting a 20 month old run into the street.
He belongs strapped in a carriage.

He never hurts you on purpose. He wants to play.

You potch him to show you he can't potch you? How is he going to learn this isn't just a potching game?

And here I thought Gen Z is so up to date with better parenting. 🤕

what the hell?
1. You have no idea what generation I’m part of
2. When I am taking him out of his car seat and then he gets away I don’t deserve a potch. Maybe I was 9 months pregnant and couldn’t hold him properly?
3. Yes he does hurt on purpose and doesn’t just want to play when he takes a heavy object and slams it into my head or the babies head because I didn’t give him yet another candy or because he wanted the babies toy

NechaMom

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:04 am

amother Bisque wrote:

Did you get him evaluated? He seems more difficult than just a smart regular toddler.

amother

Bisque

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:06 am

NechaMom wrote:

I didn’t claim that I’m a specialist but I still don’t see how potching instead of locking cabinets with easy off is the right method. He does seem like a smart active toddler and hitting him through his toddler years can damage him. You must find alternatives because most of the potching is just your anger or traumatizing him. The cabinet is the perfect example.

I cannot child lock the universe. I can only child lock my own house. He actually figured out how to use the magnetic child locks. I was amazed and literally watched him drag a chair to reach the magnets and then wave it in front of a cabinet until the cabinet opened. You are making it sound like I’m hitting him all day. I do potch but use it extremely sparingly and when he’s doing something exceedingly dangerous. It’s not at all about anger. And again I had nothing to do with the cabinet. It was someone else’s house and someone else yelling at him.

amother

Bisque

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:08 am

NechaMom wrote:

But you seem happy with the results that now he’s traumatized enough not to go near that cabinet.

what did I write that makes it seem like I’m happy. I was not happy that he was yelled at like that’s I think shrieking at a toddler for 10 min straight is abusive

amother

Bisque

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:10 am

NechaMom wrote:

Did you get him evaluated? He seems more difficult than just a smart regular toddler.

no because my pediatrician said he’s normal. She said he’s smart and we need to keep his mind stimulated! Oh and they loooove him in playgroup. He participates enthusiastically in all activities

NechaMom

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:11 am

amother Bisque wrote:

what did I write that makes it seem like I’m happy. I was not happy that he was yelled at like that’s I think shrieking at a toddler for 10 min straight is abusive

Sorry. Maybe I misunderstood. In either case, my point stands. A 20 month old shouldn’t be hit. He’s practically a baby. If you resort to hitting you need more help than we can offer here. There are experts for this.

listenhere

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:11 am

Another vote for Sara Yaroslovich’s method for in the moment. The book is worth every cent.

If it calms your house enough to save you 2 hours of cleaning help it is already paid off.

If it saves you a taxi to an evaluation it is paid off.

If it saves you needing to buy a promised gift for behaving it is paid off.

You get the drift…

Most parenting methods are for proactive parenting, which is really important. And Sara Yaroslovich is sorely lacking there. But her method is great for in the moment, the other ideas would have never worked for my kids.

Last edited by listenhere on Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:17 am; edited 2 times in total

NechaMom

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:13 am

listenhere wrote:

Listen here to listenhere! That’s exactly my point. Most books are proactive and hers is different. But I can’t force people to buy it. Hitting is cheaper I guess.

dankbar

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:14 am

Don't run to autism. He sounds like a brilliant, active child.

If they are hurting you or others, I like better to hold the hand to restrain, to stop them in their tracks, so they can't hit, rather than hitting them, because then they think if you hit them, then they are also allowed to hit.

Also to either remove him, or remove baby, to separate them if he us hurting the baby, to keep everyone safe.

amother

Bisque

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:15 am

NechaMom wrote:

the other choice is to continue what we are doing with confidence even if that means giving a small very infrequent potch (we are not talking about slapping or hitting hard) and not listen to mothers who have no clue what our kids are like and are very comfortable judging us very smugly.

amother

Lavender

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:16 am

I didn't read through the thread.

I believe the "alternative" to patches and other control/fear based methods, is realizing that maybe you looking at parenting all wrong.

Parenting is a 20 year game and maybe your question shouldn't be "how do I get my kid under control right now" but rather zoom out to "how do I raise my kid to be caring, think for themselves, stand up for what's right, stand up for others, and be emotionally resilient adults"

Teaching kids to be obedient is not the same as teaching kids to be good.

NechaMom

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:18 am

amother Bisque wrote:

A small potch would keep him from running into the street the next time or banging toys into you or your baby? I don’t believe it based on what you’re describing he does.
Also, we’re not interested in judging you. Sometimes these 20 month olds who can’t speak out need a voice. So yes, if you say you hit a 20 month old I’ll say that there are other methods that you must try. Whatever it takes not to hit babies. Hitting babies is abusive. Full stop.

dankbar

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:20 am

I will recommend Ruchel Weiss shiurim. Took it years ago when she started. Some kids are power struggle kids and nothing will help, no rewards and no punishments.

Her method is, how to cut the negative emotions and connection, with a child that misbehaved. All the child wants is connection and how to replace that negative connection with a positive one. That stops the misbehavior.

amother

Bisque

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:22 am

dankbar wrote:

no way would I think of autism. He is really social and friendly and totally normal (maybe above average in intelligence but socially he is more than ok). I definitely do what you say but there are those really infrequent times where they are completely out of control and are unreasonable and not safe and a small potch ks very effective. And when I say infrequent I mean that I did it maybe 3 times and we are not talking about a slap in the face. It’s a small potch on the arm and it is in no way traumatic so everyone can stop feeling bad. This is laughable to me because whoever knows me in real life claims that I’m so overprotective and that I spoil him and give him too much attention and such. So relax everyone. You can call me abusive and such but it’s really not. It’s very easy to label behavior as abusive. I can say that mothers spending time on smartphones while their kids are awake are abusive (ignoring child etc etc), mothers shmoozing in the park and not focusing on pushing the child enough on the swing is abusive, not fixing child veggies at dinner is abusive. It’s

amother

Bisque

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:27 am

NechaMom wrote:

Again, I invite you to suggest ONE alternative to a small potch when a child does something that can get them killed. And suggesting a book does not count. Sorry. “Hitting babies is abusive” sounds very sensational and over exaggerating the situation which is a small potch. And also that’s your opinion so you can full stop all you want but again that’s your opinion

thegiver

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:29 am

Acc to spare the child by rabbi yaakovson never ever potch. Too risky.

Act angry (without being angry) , sometimes a look is all you need. Waiting patiently nearby while issuing a command. Sometimes repetition is necessary—as much as it takes until the stubborn child complies and yes that does mean “in the face” remove distractions without escalating your voice. Don’t show you’re threatened or phased. Keep an even calm demeanor and show that you expect compliance.

Natural consequences. Or midda keneged midda.

You have to realize is your child READY for the new behavior??? For example, a child under 2 might hear you say no to something repeatedly but that doesn’t mean s/he UNDERSTANDS and has the capacity to obey.

Communicating your expectations ahead of time!! ESP right before the Taava arises. Example: we are about to enter car, no eating in the car and give warning what will happen to kids who “forget”

When test boundaries —remind.
If child is repeatedly tempted to disobey!!—reassess where temptation is coming from. Try to see from child’s POV. CAN YOU ELIMINATE WHAT IS CAUSING CHILD TO MISBEHAVE? Ex: he is taking $ laying around the house… make sure it’s not laying around. Have predetermined punishments so you don’t escalate

If it continues daakva come up with an original unexpected response.

Never lash out. Respond always with FULL CONTROL.

I CANNOT RECOMMEND THIS BOOK ENOUGH!! Changed my life!