EMOTIONAL NEGLECT | Imamother

amother

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 11:49 am

I feel guilty but I know it's not my fault. that's how HASHEM created me. I had my two kids and me and my husband had no clue that we need to connect at such young age with our child. I gave them everything physically, but don't remember singing, talking, communicating, explaining, playing or kissing a lot...like my life went on I would call it selfishly but honestly didn't know to give more.
couldn't stand crying, so would do whatever it takes to stop the child from crying, treat, nurse again, hold whatever ....
they started talking late
ppl thought they have maybe asd
when my third was born he was demanding connection from the start, and I was watching and hearing from friends and slowly picking up that hey are u really a mommy.
yes my older two (preshoolers) are for sure affected, but to no drastic way that everyone can tell but missing something... got some early intervention and seit services and teachers don't see anything majorly off...
I am learning a lot and being a present real mommy recently. can the new present real mommy heal the emotional neglect or will they later on in life need therapy?

tichellady

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 11:56 am

There are a million reasons people may need therapy. That shouldn’t be your concern. Your concern should be that you are providing your children with the emotional needs they have now to the best of your ability. You can’t undo the past but showing them that you are present and care and love them will certainly impact them tremendously

WhatFor

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 11:59 am

Oy, OP. I feel sorry that you have all this guilt with you right now when you're trying so hard to do your best. Maybe I'm missing something else here, but you don't know what you don't know.

And I certainly hope this doesn't make you feel worse, because I doubt it's your fault, but it's rare that someone would have to be told to talk to their baby. I know people are told but I'm pretty sure most parents just do, the same way you'd talk to anyone else you spent hours with. And the fact that this didn't come naturally to you makes me wonder if you actually have something else going on that's totally not your fault.

Were your children diagnosed with ASD? You know it's often hereditary, and anyway a parent can't cause that, right? How old were you when you started talking?

SuperWify

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 11:59 am

It’s never too late for repair.

I love Dr Becky. She says a grandmother can repair with her adult daughter. Your children are little still. Take 5 minutes a day to interact meaningfully and mindfully with them.

Compliment them every day.
Hug them.
Read them a bed time story.
Tell them about your day.

amother

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:04 pm

WhatFor wrote:

I started talking late too. my husband prob has high functioning asd. I think the concern for asd for one of my children was outgrown, it was just he was missing fundamental connection,..
ppl would laugh if I would tell them I might have asd or something. I am a regular socia adult
but I also strongly wonder why I wasnt creatined with the basic instinct mommy sense?

amother

Natural

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

Not everyone is, it comes harder for some to connect emotionality with kids this young and struggle like you do. As long as your kids feel you make an effort, and they can sense it at this age, you're fine.
ASD doesn't stem from emotional connection so no need to beat yourself up about that.

amother

Hunter

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 1:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

I also didnt know.

I had no idea that all these things a baby needs.

I am lucky that hashem made me a lively talkative expressive type so I still naturally gave even without knowing that I am giving and they are getting what they need.

but I still did so many things wrong cos had no clue and I have a feeling I wasnt given anything at birth and infancy.

amother

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 4:05 pm

newinbp wrote:

Read the book the nurture revolution. Don’t feel guilty when she focuses on ages 0-3 because there is brain plasticity and it is never too late, apply her principles to whatever ages your kids are. Hatzlacha raba!

is that very similiar to nurtured heart approach or completely diff?

scintilla

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 7:57 pm

Look, they may need therapy later in life, they may not. That's not within your control though. What is within your control is the here and now. I think it's so wonderful that you're realizing the importance of these things now and what's in the past already happened, so try let go of the guilt about that.

For now, try give them undivided individual attention as much as you can, get to know them and their interests and focus on them without distractions, play with them, give them lots of hugs and kisses and speak to them kindly and gently. Tell them you love them and you're so lucky and happy to be their mommy and you're so happy that Hashem put them in this family. Welcome them home with excitement and look at them and speak to them like the sun shines out of their eyes. My kids love love to hear about when they were born and how excited we were to meet them, they love to look at pictures of when they were small and hear about the cute funny things they used to do.

I think you are off to a great start and if you want more guidance a parenting coach could be a great idea. It sounds like they are still young and having support in building the connection now will pay off strongly as they get older. If you'd like a recommendation I can give one.

If any of the things that are being suggested here sound really hard/impossible for you to do emotionally, maybe there could be something emotionally blocking you from being in touch with your emotions and therapy could help you for that. But if you feel like you can do this and you just need pointers on how, you're off to a great start and I wish you a lot of hatzlacha! Your kids are in great hands with a mother who is so dedicated to their emotional welfare!!

zohar

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 7:57 pm

While you recognize that you didn't do everything correctly in the past, you are not giving yourself credit for what you did do. You held them and missed them. You responded promptly to their stress. That's a lot and very important to their emotional health and development. Don't feel on the past, rather look at it as some new exciting tools your learning to connect with your children.

newinbp

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 8:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

is that very similiar to nurtured heart approach or completely diff?

It’s not a new approach to parenting or anything like that, the author is a neuroscientist who talks about how positive nurturing our children is. And exactly like u mentioned she talks about how a lot is not something women know how to do in our low nurture culture.

amother

Bluebonnet

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 8:29 pm

newinbp wrote:

What’s low nurture culture and what changed from previously?

gamanit

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 10:38 pm

Just a thought- is it possible that you don't remember everything you did? Try to look through family video clips from that time. Often our memories are a blur and we misremember things. I was surprised at how different I was with my kids than how I remembered it. I barely remember playing with them as babies but then when I saw the old clips I was like oh yeah for sure we did that all the time.

newinbp

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 11:11 pm

amother Bluebonnet wrote:

What’s low nurture culture and what changed from previously?

I mean the fact that many babies in the US are in swings/strollers a lot, sleep in separate room from mom (nursery), sleep training is popular, she calls this examples low nurture culture. Definitely check out the book to learn more about it. A more pro nurture culture would be encouraging holding your baby, supporting longer maternity leaves, etc. She’s saying America is like that in general and talks a lot about how we can nurture our children and how healthy that is for the brain and their development.