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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Should I pressure or bring up topic of marriage with 21yo
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 4:48 pm
21 year old daughter. Very out of the box. Didn’t go to sem. Extremely modern etc
But keeps Shabbos etc
Made it clear she’s not interested in marriage till she’s 25 despite friends of her age being married already.
She does not want to discuss the topic and is sure of her decision
Do I pressure or explain why she is wrong?
I have made a few minor comments and jokes about it which has caused issues
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 4:50 pm
amother OP wrote:
21 year old daughter. Very out of the box. Didn’t go to sem. Extremely modern etc
But keeps Shabbos etc
Made it clear she’s not interested in marriage till she’s 25 despite friends of her age being married already.
She does not want to discuss the topic and is sure of her decision
Do I pressure or explain why she is wrong?
I have made a few minor comments and jokes about it which has caused issues

But op, why is she wrong? If she is more modern, out of your box, why the need to pressure her?
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csstb




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 4:50 pm
I assume this is a troll post. On the off-chance it’s not:

She is an adult and will decide all by herself. End of discussion.
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amother
Alyssum


 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 4:51 pm
Id let her be.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 4:51 pm
But why would you? What are you hoping to accomplish and what's the chance that your methods will accomplish it?
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 4:52 pm
You should let her know that even the more modern frum guys get married young, and the pool of available, good guys will shrink if she waits till 25 to start dating. She might luck out. She might not.
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 4:55 pm
amother OP wrote:
21 year old daughter. Very out of the box. Didn’t go to sem. Extremely modern etc
But keeps Shabbos etc
Made it clear she’s not interested in marriage till she’s 25 despite friends of her age being married already.
She does not want to discuss the topic and is sure of her decision
Do I pressure or explain why she is wrong?
I have made a few minor comments and jokes about it which has caused issues


My God! If my mom made "minor comments and jokes" about my singleness I'd never want to share anything with her again. There's no such thing as minor comments and jokes.

21 is still young, leave her be! There's is nothing wrong with her. And if you pressure her she might just end up in a wrong relationship.

You're focused on the wrong things.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 4:57 pm
amother Burgundy wrote:
You should let her know that even the more modern frum guys get married young, and the pool of available, good guys will shrink if she waits till 25 to start dating. She might luck out. She might not.


I mentioned this to her a few weeks ago but not in your exact words. She said I should not be telling her what to do as she is an adult … and that ‘the one’ would be around regardless of her age. I didn’t continue the conversation
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amother
Alyssum


 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 5:00 pm
amother OP wrote:
I mentioned this to her a few weeks ago but not in your exact words. She said I should not be telling her what to do as she is an adult … and that ‘the one’ would be around regardless of her age. I didn’t continue the conversation

And she is right. Let her be. Hashem is in charge. She could meet the right person on the street tomorrow and decide she wants to get married now.
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amother
Peachpuff


 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 5:00 pm
amother Burgundy wrote:
You should let her know that even the more modern frum guys get married young, and the pool of available, good guys will shrink if she waits till 25 to start dating. She might luck out. She might not.


Not exactly, but 21 is young. She might change her mind in a year or 2 and you telling her any if this stuff is not going to motivate her. I'm MO and when I was 20 I thought I didn't want to get married till 25 (got married at 28 because it did take a little more time).

What actually led me to get a little more purposeful in my dating was seeing my friends get married and seeing non-Jewish/non-religious coworkers 10-15 years older than me upset they wasted years on relationships that weren't going anywhere.
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amother
Black


 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 5:01 pm
amother OP wrote:
21 year old daughter. Very out of the box. Didn’t go to sem. Extremely modern etc
But keeps Shabbos etc
Made it clear she’s not interested in marriage till she’s 25 despite friends of her age being married already.
She does not want to discuss the topic and is sure of her decision
Do I pressure or explain why she is wrong?
I have made a few minor comments and jokes about it which has caused issues


Why is she wrong? What are the advantages of getting married young? Especially since she stated she has no interest
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amother
Black


 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 5:02 pm
amother Burgundy wrote:
You should let her know that even the more modern frum guys get married young, and the pool of available, good guys will shrink if she waits till 25 to start dating. She might luck out. She might not.


How does that make sense if we marry our bashert? Do you think that her daughters bashert marry someone else and she’ll miss him?
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amother
Whitesmoke


 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 5:08 pm
Is there another sibling beneath her? Is that your urgency?

What is the pressure? Saying this as someone that was engaged at 20
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 5:11 pm
amother Whitesmoke wrote:
Is there another sibling beneath her? Is that your urgency?

What is the pressure? Saying this as someone that was engaged at 20


No sibling under her… all a lot younger
I don’t want her to repress her hormones till 25
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amother
Ghostwhite


 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 5:14 pm
amother OP wrote:
21 year old daughter. Very out of the box. Didn’t go to sem. Extremely modern etc
But keeps Shabbos etc
Made it clear she’s not interested in marriage till she’s 25 despite friends of her age being married already.
She does not want to discuss the topic and is sure of her decision
Do I pressure or explain why she is wrong?
I have made a few minor comments and jokes about it which has caused issues


Give her time and space.
She might just need this year and then start or continue waiting. When she’s ready is better then pushing her she’s very young
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 5:14 pm
Her hormones. Her business.

It sounds like she already is aware of your opinion. Saying anything more will push her away from you.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 5:15 pm
My personal observation among those who get married before they are ready is that it doesn't end well.
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amother
Narcissus


 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 5:22 pm
She's not wrong, because it's her decision. If she isnt ready to get married now, so she isnt wrong for not wanting to get married now.

She may be naive about what her options will look like then vs now, or she may be very aware and just not care. Either way- not your decision and not your place
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amother
Lotus


 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 5:29 pm
OP I wouldn’t worry. It’s her decision about when she wants to get married. And she may end up changing her mind and meeting someone earlier than 25 who she wants to marry. Just be there for her as a listening ear. Don’t pressure what so ever. When hashem decides it’s time it will happen! Hatzlacha!
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2024, 5:34 pm
I'll be the odd one out and say that not wanting to date when most of your peers are dating can be a sign that there is something else going on that will continue to hold the person back if or until that issue is addressed.

I'm not really sure how it can be addressed though by OP, certainly not by dropping subtle hints or making comments, or even forcing therapy. Maybe suggesting therapy for a different pretext?
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