Should I pressure or bring up topic of marriage with 21yo

amother

Pink

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 5:38 pm

I was a typical normal very good girl and I secretly wished I'd be an older single and get married at age 28.
Alas my mother shipped me off at age 20 and while my husband is wonderful, it's definitely affected my marriage. Even a decade later.

amother

DarkKhaki

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 5:40 pm

Another point to keep in mind is, she may have zero interest in a shidduch that comes about through your involvement, op. But maybe when the time feels right to her, she'd be more open minded to a suggestion that comes from elsewhere.
She is an adult and it is her decision. Only she will have to live with him till 120.

amother

Lemon

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 5:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

No sibling under her… all a lot younger
I don’t want her to repress her hormones till 25

So you're not concerned that she gets married. There's something else that concerns you.

You need to focus on what actually concerns you. And, treating her like an adult, be willing to see if you can work on solutions.

Cheiny

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 6:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

21 year old daughter. Very out of the box. Didn’t go to sem. Extremely modern etc
But keeps Shabbos etc
Made it clear she’s not interested in marriage till she’s 25 despite friends of her age being married already.
She does not want to discuss the topic and is sure of her decision
Do I pressure or explain why she is wrong?
I have made a few minor comments and jokes about it which has caused issues

Don’t ever pressure. That could seriously backfire and result in the opposite from what you’re looking for. You want to explain why she’s wrong? How do you know she’s wrong? She’s an adult and if she feels unready at this point, she isn’t wrong, despite that not being what you want.

Forcing her into something she isn’t ready for or doesn’t want yet could be disastrous and you will be blamed. If anything, you can gently and non-judgmentally ask if she’d like to discuss her feelings with a neutral professional.

zaq

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 6:12 pm

Seriously? You think a young woman needs THERAPY because she's not ready to get married at age 21? She's not repressing her hormones and she doesn't need therapy. Chances are, she has a goal in life aside from marriage, knows that it would be hard to achieve after marriage, and is getting her career or educational or other goals out of the way--or just deciding what she wants out of life--before she takes on the task of selecting a partner forever. Just because "all her friends" are doing something means she needs to? As your mom probably said "If all your friends jumped off a roof, would you follow suit?" YEESH.

Oh, and Mom--if dd IS gay or secretly seeing a married man or something equally dreadful, your noodging her to get married isn't going to change any of that.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 6:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

So halachically you cant force her.
I know its hard waiting for your child to be ready for the next phase in her life, but its a step only she can make and you get to enjoy watching.
IMHO, she needs a supportive mother who will assure her she is worthy in her own right and not as a Mrs. or Ima. Let her see that you have confidence in her and her decisions (as opposed to the comments and jokes) and then let nature take its course, she may surprise you.

How well do you know your dtr? Maybe spend this time getting to know her better so you can build your relationship, so that when she is ready, she will make you a part of it.

amother

Azure

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 6:53 pm

She sounds like a great shidduch for my 23 year old brother who's also modern and not interested in marriage. My mother mentions marriage every time she sees him. 😂 😂 😂

ETA- she wants him to get married for the same reasons you mention, because of repressing his hormones Yada Yada. Are you my mom? Lol. Personally I think it would be really beneficial for him to have a girlfriend so that he can learn about navigating relationships and how to treat a woman properly..

amother

Lightblue

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 6:55 pm

Why not give her more time to grow into the person she’d like to be? I think a few years of maturity will enhance her marriage down the line. I definitely wouldn’t pressure her!

amother

NeonGreen

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 6:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

No sibling under her… all a lot younger
I don’t want her to repress her hormones till 25

What no not your business. I got married at 23 and would have been happy getting married at 25 also, and I’m not modern (so I was dating from 19 but wasn’t really interested , but the right guy came along…)

#BestBubby

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 7:07 pm

I agree that good guys, both yeshivish and modern get snatched up fast.

But if you pressure, she will resist to show she is in charge.

So the best thing is say nothing.

Maybe seeing her friends marrying will spark interest.

amother

Candycane

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 7:18 pm

I would just point out that if she wants to marry at 25, and she's in the more modern crowd, starting to look now is probably a good idea. The dating process takes time, and particularly for more modern groups, it can take extra long. Even if she's not ready to get really intense about dating, it's a good idea to be open to it.

amother

Cerise

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 8:04 pm

Another good frum girl who really wasn't interested in getting married til 23-24. Though I did date I ended up getting married at 26. Plenty of us have our hormones under control, and aren't desperate for a relationship. When she's ready she'll figure it out but pressuring her isn't going to help.

amother

Lightgreen

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 11:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

No sibling under her… all a lot younger
I don’t want her to repress her hormones till 25

Repressing her hormones? Can't Believe It

I got married at 25. My hormones werent repressed. I was just fine.
And, you might not want to hear this, but many single young ladies also take care of themselves.

amother

Birch

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 11:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

No sibling under her… all a lot younger
I don’t want her to repress her hormones till 25

Leave her alone.
You sound like a horribly naggy mother

essie14

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 12:29 am

Repress her hormones? Is that code for 'having pre marital sèx'?

Leave her alone!
She not "wrong" because you think she "should be married"
Do you know what you will accomplish by pressuring her?
You will alienate her and lose any relationship that you do have.
Let her develop into the individual she wants to be. Let her experience life at her own pace. She's not a carbon copy of you.

You want to ship her out? Ask her to move out if that's what you want.
Otherwise, love her for who she is and let her make choices as the adult that she is.

And siblings shouldn't be a factor at all. Even if she's 30 and her 20 year old sister wants to get married. There's nothing wrong with younger siblings marrying before older ones. My siblings all got married before I did. Because that was the right time for each of them.

amother

Brown

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 12:48 am

essie14 wrote:

I wish everyone was as sensible as you! Many siblings would be deeply hurt if they were skipped in shidduchim. Some would outright object.

amother

Brown

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 12:49 am

essie14 wrote:

I wish everyone was as sensible as you! Many siblings would be deeply hurt if they were skipped in shidduchim. Some would outright object. Even if they want more time for themselves before marriage. I know, makes no sense.