Here we go again :(

amother

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 9:01 pm

I have 3 married kids , 2 of which live in a different city & one who lives here
We also have a SN son who lives at home
He’s very high functioning but doesn’t like crowds or Loud music

All of our friends who are in same stage as us have plans for Purim. Either they’re going out of town or they’re in town with their own families.

We have no where to go & it looks like we’ll be making our seudah alone.
I feel like a total loser

My in town kids have plans with their own friends which doesn’t include us. 😳

We have a very nice amicable relationship with them.
They don’t want to come to us b/c it’s not fun for their own kids.

I remember when I was at thier stage & when my parents had Purim seudas it was boring & not fun but we went anyway b/c it was the RIGHT THING TO DO

Like I said , I feel like such a loser Cz I’ve asked a few friends what they’re doing but everyone has plans
We’d consider going to a Shul communal Seidah but with my SN son, he’ll be miserable with all the noise

Vent over.

amother

Alyssum

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 9:09 pm

If this is just a vent, hugs.

A few options though

1. Can you travel out of town for Purim to one of your marrieds?

2. Can you invite some singles / older couples / friends who have nowhere to go?

3. Make an earlier shorter seuda at home and then join the communal seuda for a bit?

Staying home for Purim seuda doesn't sound all that terrible after a long hectic noisy Purim day but if it's that hard for you there's definitely options....

amother

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 9:16 pm

amother Alyssum wrote:

Travelling is not an option out of town.
Too far & we were just there for something else
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have plans
Making an earlier seidah & then join communal…. What about my SN son?
He won’t be happy to do that & will just pressure us to leave.
Purim is not that hectic or noisy for us anymore
We hardly get any MM b/c we’re at the stage that we don’t have many people coming.
No small kids at home
I’d love to have a seudah either with a couple of friends or with my kids
But … such is life…

Sometimes I think where the heck did I go wrong ?

amother

Lawngreen

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 9:30 pm

I'm soooo sorry!! I feel your pain! I've been there. And it's probably harder bc you don't even have a busy day anymore. Hug

Is it possible to post on a community chat, that your opening up invites to whomever is looking, for a quiet, yet fun, seuda? I think you may be surprised and have replies! It doesn't need to be people you know, you just don't want to be alone.
Maybe you will make new friends this way.

amother

Maroon

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 9:30 pm

Purim is a hard holiday precisely because you’re “supposed” to be doing something fun for the seuda. It’s a lot of pressure to not feel like a loser.

Once you free yourself from that expectation hopefully you’ll be able to enjoy the time at home.

amother

Whitesmoke

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 9:31 pm

tichellady

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 9:33 pm

You are not a loser for having a Purim suedah with your husband and son. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Can your children and grandchildren come for a visit during the day or a short brunch or lunch suedah

Ellie7

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 9:36 pm

What if you had your in-town kids for a brunch seudah? They’ll still be able to go to the more “fun” seudah but you’ll get some family time in, too. Then you could go to the communal seudah without your SN son if he’s already gotten one seudah in.

tichellady

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 9:39 pm

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

We opted for megilla and a melave malka at one of our kids house.
We are making purim ( sunday) alone. Our kids are all traveling back to boro park from Lakewood to the mechutanim. I have reached a point where purim is just another day off from work.
And I agree - we used to go to grandparents even if it was boring. Today’s kids are all about how will my kids enjoy the event. Even shabbos- they don’t want to send the grandkids- because who will they play with? Maybe if you come more often you would get to know my neighbors kids. And I have a playroom with books and toys. Oh well- that’s life.

I’m not sure why you are generalizing about this generation. It does sound like your grandchildren are spending Purim with both sets of grandparents so I’m confused

amother

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 9:41 pm

Ellie7 wrote:

They are way too busy on Purim day for that. They barely have time to go to their teachers/friends & rebbes.
& you have to wash pretty early for the regular Seudah
That just won’t fly but it’s a nice idea in theory

amother

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 9:42 pm

tichellady wrote:

I’m not sure why you are generalizing about this generation. It does sound like your grandchildren are spending Purim with both sets of grandparents so I’m confused

No their not
How did you get that ?

amother

Whitesmoke

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 9:56 pm

tichellady wrote:

I’m not sure why you are generalizing about this generation. It does sound like your grandchildren are spending Purim with both sets of grandparents so I’m confused

Purim is a one off. Other yomtovs or shabbos they don’t come. And even melave malka or suppers everything is about what is comfortable for the grandkids.
So we go to them- because we want a relationship with them. But it used to be that family center was a grandparent home. Yes there are still many who do that. But many don’t.
Anyways- op- you did nothing wrong. Life just is what it is.
And a freilichen and healthy purim to all.

amother

Navyblue

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 10:05 pm

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

You're making a huge generalization and maybe there is a reason they aren't coming. I'm in my early 30s, no frum family (we are BTs) and I would kill for parents to pack up and spend shabbos and yom tov with. Most normal people really want a strong relationship with their parents. So maybe think about that before you make such comments about a whole generation.

And yes, I want my kids to be happy! A grandparent just sitting on the couch bemoaning about politics, ignoring my kids and complaining they can't touch stuff isn't going to lead to many visits. So we don't go there. There are always reasons....

amother

Whitesmoke

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 10:18 pm

amother Navyblue wrote:

Now you are the one generalizing. Or assuming. We are mid fifties working grandparents. We don’t sit on the couch and kvetch. My house is kid friendly. I have riding toys, games , books, paint,
When they do come I bake with them take, them to the park do arts and craft, homework. I will sit on the floor with them and build lego. We babysit, pick up from school, take them shopping. And more. It is literally the shabbos and yom tov that becomes an issue. They want their routines. So we go to them.
You are welcome to come for a shabbos anytime. I would love to be your stand in family.

amother

Beige

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 10:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

Where do you live? What area?

doodlesmom

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 10:37 pm

Can SN adult son spend time alone at home? Or does he need supervision?

Maybe you can eat the seuda with him and leave him behind for an hour or 2 while you go visiting….
Maybe even with the cleaning help etc…depends on his needs…

amother

Lawngreen

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 11:16 pm

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

Wish my mother would do that. Enjoy spending tike with them, playing with them, taking them out... I'm drooling...
Your kids are very lucky to have you!