Wondering something that my dd said

amother

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 6:22 pm

To me.

She is married with 5 kids. KaH
& she stated that when it comes to
PARENTING, & only on the topic of parenting, one can only be a parent with the influence of the parenting they themselves had.
In other words, if I had very poor parenting from my own parents (which I did unfortunately), I myself can only parent in the way they parented me. Unless they get some good therapy or parenting classes.
I however think, a parent can be a good parent intuitively.
But maybe I’m wrong b/c if she’s right, it means I was a very poor parent (not the same as loving or kind ) b/c my own parents were very bad role models to me.

Wondering what others think ….

When my dil yells at her own child of 3 & 1 to stop it (💔) like actually yells, it’s due to her own mother’s lack of parenting skills.

Now, I disageee , however, my dd is in therapy & perhaps that’s what she’s been told by the therapist. She actually is doing well with this therapist & is a wonderful mother. I’m very proud of her

But maybe looking back I was a very bad parent. Sad

amother

Phlox

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 6:36 pm

Your daughter does have a point. It does make sense that we parent similar to how our parents did, because that's what we know. It doesn't mean that we all parent exactly like our parents did, but there may be similarities.
By going to therapy & working on herself, your daughter is breaking a cycle.

amother

Pink

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 6:38 pm

So from generation to generation there's no way for patlrenting to get better?

Yes parents have to work on themselves to be good parents, for most it doesn't happen by itself. It's especially hard if their own parents didn't do a good job but certainly not impossible. That would be very discouraging!!!
Bh we have parenting classes and sometimes therapy. There are also books and magazines that give parents better strategies.
You can also ask advice from older and wiser mentors or friends. A therapist is definitely not the only source of good parenting advice.

I'm sure you tried your best, I'm sure like all parents you could have done a better job, who doesn't?
Don't forget to compliment your dd on her efforts!

amother

IndianRed

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 6:44 pm

Just because she said it, doesn't mean its true.
As a parent, that would break my heart 1. watching my kid yell at her kids and 2. then basically blaming it on the parenting she recieved. Her choices are in her hands and she's accountable for herself. If she didn't like the parenting she received, I find it hard to believe she will parent her own kids that way....?

amother

Birch

Mon, Apr 29 2024, 4:28 pm

Sorry thats baloney. I think if one is cognizant of what their mother did wrong and actively tries to not make the same mistakes one can do a lot better than the generation before. My mother hit. I've never hit my kids.
No therapy, just coming to the recognition that hitting is abuse.

amother

Papayawhip

Mon, Apr 29 2024, 4:38 pm

amother Birch wrote:

Thank hashem you didn’t need more work but the recognition alone was enough for you. (Though I don’t buy that you didn’t do any work. How do you react instead of hitting? Surely, you needed to work something out instead.)

My mother and father yelled, shamed, blamed and name-called. It’s taking everything out of me to break the cycle. Books, therapy, tears and countless of prayers.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Apr 29 2024, 11:56 pm

amother Birch wrote:

Agree. I consciously parent very differently than my mother. Because I wasn't happy with certain things she did. Because I've read more and am more educated about certain things.

DH hated the way his parents parented.
They arent bad people. Just very inattentive parents. Emotionally unavailable.
We discussed it a lot when dating.
Many things we do or don't do are in direct opposition to the way we were parented because we didn't like a lot of things our parents did.

amother

Puce

Tue, Apr 30 2024, 1:55 am

amother OP wrote:

Your post is so full of humility that I find it hard to believe you were such a bad parent.
Obviously you made mistakes and those are the things she is now picking apart in therapy but hopefully she will grow and have a more nuanced outlook on the world. Continue telling her how proud you are of her and how she is a wonderful Mom. That is the best you can do today.

dankbar

Tue, Apr 30 2024, 11:24 pm

Right now she's an adult, there no remaking the past. She is now responsible for her own life, and own parenting. Where is blaming her parents going to get her now? She can be in therapy to heal her own wounds or whatever she didn't like when she was growing up, but she now has choices of taking responsibility on her life, and making the patenting choices she wishes to. Of course, someone that grew up with a difficult childhood, it's harder for them to know what to do, but there is so much awareness, help and resources out there, so she can help herself and change the ways if she is up to it.

About you feeling guilty, there's nothing you can do now to go back in time. Do not take the blame. She is adult and can help herself now. You did the best with the tools you had at that time.

amother

Sienna

Wed, May 01 2024, 12:56 am

I don't agree. I parent nothing like my own mother. But yes in some ways your reference point for parenting comes from how you were parented. But that can also mean you would never do certain things because you know how it felt and still affects you as an adult. And it can also mean things that you thought were good you continue doing. And guess what, it can also be that how you were parented could have been fine for you but doesn't work for your family or your kids or one of your kids.

It's not so black and white.

Maybe for your daughter it rings true for her but I don't think it's a blanket rule.

My mother did pretty damaging things and I understand exactly why she is the way she is. I still appreciate her. I know she did her best and loves us and wants the best for us. But I would never do the things that had long term affects on me. I think it only gave me a better understanding on how to be a better mother.

amother

Jetblack

Wed, May 01 2024, 1:00 am

amother OP wrote:

I agree. You automatically have it ingrained based on what you saw despite trying to be different. Most people need therapy to work out things that were ingrained in them.

amother

Jetblack

Wed, May 01 2024, 1:04 am

amother Birch wrote:

Most people from dysfunctional homes are very cognizant of how their parents raised them and will likely be a little different. Yet, they will automatically repeat patterns that are similar to them no matter how much they try to be different. I have heard this from numerous people and I myself experience this.

amother

Sienna

Wed, May 01 2024, 1:05 am

Just reread your post.
Don't beat yourself up about this.
You sound like you did your best and we are all trying our best and want the best for our children.
No one is perfect and your daughter is an adult and has to take ownership of herself. I'm glad she is doing well in therapy and wish her only the best. But don't fall into the mommy guilt trap.