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I am massively in debt and DH doesn't know
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amother




 

Post Thu, Aug 27 2009, 6:03 pm
I owe $50k in student loans and my husband doesn't know. As long as I'm in school it's interest free. But sooner or later I'll be done school. No idea how I'll pay it back. And DH wants me to be a SAHM.

I'm terrified. I worry he'll leave me. Sometimes I've thought it would be better to kill myself than to inflict this kind of debt on my family, and if left me I'd never get the kids because I wouldn't have the money to live myself, let alone care for them. But then I figure the kids are better off with a broke mother who loves them than no mother.

Please don't tell me how stupid and immoral it was of me not to tell my husband this. I know. I would do so many things differently if I could do it again. I don't even know what I'm asking for. I know none of you can promise me that he won't be furious and divorce me.

I'm just scared. And I haven't told a single living soul about this. And it's been pounding inside my brain for years, so finally, I'm trying to get it out here, so at least I can sorta tell somebody, even if none of you know who I am.
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Mirabelle




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 27 2009, 6:07 pm
Did he ask you how you were paying for school? He must have had some idea that usually school isn't free. I hope your degree was worth that high cost...

My husband has even more student loan debt that that...I knew he had debt but she was still in the program when we got married so I didnt really understand how much it was. What can I say? It wasn't like I was going to divorce him when we found out. Also, we got a very low interested rate (like 2%) to pay it back and are on the "30 year" plan. It's a couple hundred a month, kind of like a nice car payment.
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Mama Bear




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 27 2009, 6:08 pm
why are you going to school if youre plannin to be a sahm?
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wif




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 27 2009, 6:09 pm
First of all, how did he think that you were paying for school? With chewing gum and love?

Second of all...relax. It's only 50,000 dollars, and it's meant to be paid back gradually. So you won't be a SAHM right away. You'll work and slowly pay it off. People do it all the time. All the time.

(((hugs))) It's going to be okay. Just take a deep breath and repeat as needed.
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solo




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 27 2009, 6:46 pm
gosh I wis I had some brilliant advice
unfortunately can only offer u sympathy
thats a huge burden to keep to urself
if I think about it though $50,000 is a large sum of money but broken down to be payed back over many years its not all that much
and in the worst case ull get a part time job
I dont know ur relationship but do think u should tell ur husband
it might help if u have something more concrete to tell him than just that u have a job. like for instance I owe this amt of money but payed back over 30 yrs it comes out to x $s per month

are there any gemachim that can help u? I know there something called the hebrew free loan society which offers an interest free loan for 12 -14 mo but I dont much about them.
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amother




 

Post Thu, Aug 27 2009, 6:50 pm
maybe if you make yourself like you are shocked about it? like when the debt collector company sends a letter and you make it as if you had no idea?
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amother




 

Post Thu, Aug 27 2009, 6:52 pm
The loans were for the years before we were together. We've both paid my tuition with earnings since we've been together.

It's kind of a big mess. I didn't plan to be a SAHM when I was 18, so started university for a career. Now I'm taking one course a year so I can be a student and keep the loan interest free. I tell everyone that I like it, that I'm doing it for gratification, but honestly I'm doing it so I don't need to repay the loan yet, so every year that I'm a student is one year that I don't need to come clean and risk my husband leaving me.

I don't want him to leave me. There's the obvious stuff - I don't want my kids to suffer through that, for instance - but also I love him, I can't bear the thought of not being with him, and I hate that he's married to someone who's such a liability.

If I talk to a Rav, would he keep it confidential, or would he be so appalled that he'd have to tell my husband, any idea? I don't know what to do. I just hate having this hanging over my head.
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pomegranate




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 27 2009, 6:55 pm
amother wrote:
The loans were for the years before we were together. We've both paid my tuition with earnings since we've been together.

It's kind of a big mess. I didn't plan to be a SAHM when I was 18, so started university for a career. Now I'm taking one course a year so I can be a student and keep the loan interest free. I tell everyone that I like it, that I'm doing it for gratification, but honestly I'm doing it so I don't need to repay the loan yet, so every year that I'm a student is one year that I don't need to come clean and risk my husband leaving me.

I don't want him to leave me. There's the obvious stuff - I don't want my kids to suffer through that, for instance - but also I love him, I can't bear the thought of not being with him, and I hate that he's married to someone who's such a liability.

If I talk to a Rav, would he keep it confidential, or would he be so appalled that he'd have to tell my husband, any idea? I don't know what to do. I just hate having this hanging over my head.

if you have a good marriage and you explain to him that you do want to work a little because you owe someone money wouldn't he understand?
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Mirabelle




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 27 2009, 6:55 pm
The OP can meet with the financial aide people at her school to discuss her plan to pay it back.

It sounds like a lot, but it really isnt sooo bad when you pay it off over time.

Seriously, its not the biggest of deals. Many many people take student loans.
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Flowerpot




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 27 2009, 6:59 pm
Try do to hint him that you would love to be a SAHM like sure sure just one small thing you first need to work a LITTLE to pay for school loan. Once your working he will get the idea. Good luck
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amother




 

Post Thu, Aug 27 2009, 7:02 pm
Thanks, you guys. I was expecting "OMG that's appalling and he should leave you!" So it's good to hear that this isn't your gut reaction.

The other problem, of course, is that I have to tell him that I've been, not explicitly lying, but behaving dishonestly for many years by not telling him. I'm so so so scared of that conversation.
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Flowerpot




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 27 2009, 7:07 pm
No just tell him that you thought he was aware of it.
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ora_43




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 27 2009, 7:09 pm
Why do you worry that your dh would leave you? You're exactly who you always have been, just with a couple hundred extra dollars to pay each month.

And it doesn't sound like this will have a huge effect financially - it would be more or less like now, but with your money going to repay the loan instead of paying for current tuition. Is that right?

Agreed w/previous posters that it sounds like a lot of money, but it's really not unusual. It's not a good thing to keep secret, but there are worse secrets out there.

Have you hinted about this at all? Like flowerpot said, mention that you should work a little to pay back for your first year... anything like that? Maybe it would be easier (for you) to start by dropping hints than by telling the whole story at once. In any case, when you do tell him, stay calm (this is not an unusual or insane situation, just an unfortunate situation that many people have successfully dealt with) and have a game plan (what terms you can get on repaying the loan, could you stay on track to repay with just a part-time job, etc).
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Mini Cookie




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 27 2009, 9:04 pm
Your worried about the affect this debt will have on your marriage. That worry is validated. Money (or a lack thereof) is a very big test on marriage stability.

Any spouse would be dumbfounded to hear that their spouse is in a $50K debt but only YOU will know how YOUR HUSBAND will actually react to you telling him. Some men can have a complete break down & some can kiss you & reassure you that he's there for you no matter what. Some men will not allow you to spend any more money on anything, ANYYYTHING that might be a luxury in their eyes. So who are we to tell you "tell him! tell him!" ??

You definitely should speak to a clever person regarding this issue. A Rav (or rebbetzin) is a great idea!

Good luck.

P.S. Don't kill yourself! It's not a good idea!
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Flowerpot




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 27 2009, 10:30 pm
I don't know why I can't see this as a big deal. Many many many ppl go to school and then work in the field and the first few years goes to cover that loan. so I think you should tell your dh that you didn't realize that he didn't know (btw I think he might know, its known to all) its not that much and if your full salary goes there it should even take a year.

If you make it a big deal so will he. however you tell it to hime that's the way he will react.
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wif




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Aug 28 2009, 1:01 am
flowerpot wrote:
I don't know why I can't see this as a big deal. Many many many ppl go to school and then work in the field and the first few years goes to cover that loan. so I think you should tell your dh that you didn't realize that he didn't know (btw I think he might know, its known to all) its not that much and if your full salary goes there it should even take a year.

If you make it a big deal so will he. however you tell it to hime that's the way he will react.


Agreed! If you were going to be a SAHM, that means you don't need your salary. You can pay it all back in year or so for sure, if that's how you want to go about it.

And I agree, the more matter of fact and calm you are about it, the less of a big deal it will seem to him. I wold act as though he already knows, or should have known.
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chocolate moose




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Aug 28 2009, 10:40 am
Why not wait and see what the future holds?
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MOMMYRN




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Aug 28 2009, 10:56 am
hey, my dh has almost $200,000 in school loans.. 50K is not so bad and as e/o else said you have 30 years to pay it off. just tell ure dh that you have school loans to pay off and that you would like to work to be able to pay them...unless there is a chance that u could pay them off slowely on dh's salary.
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Ruchel




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Aug 28 2009, 10:57 am
Mama Bear wrote:
why are you going to school if youre plannin to be a sahm?


personal interest? general culture?
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DefyGravity




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Aug 28 2009, 11:03 am
You can get that at the library for free.
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