I am massively in debt and DH doesn't know

MommyLuv

Fri, Aug 28 2009, 11:03 am

1- 50 grand is a lot of money but not for a degree, in fact, it's pretty standard-and many degrees cost way more. It's not like it's credit card debt!! He loves you-he won't leave you, at least, most caring husbands in good marriages wouldn't. It might be a tough issue to deal with but why do you think you won't be able to work it out?

2-Find out about any gov't programs to lower your payments or loan forgiveness grants. Some do exist. My husband has way more than 50k in student loans but he recently refinanced and the monthly payments are much more affordable than they used to be.

3-The sooner you get this off your chest, the better.

wtvr

Fri, Aug 28 2009, 11:34 am

I don't think the big deal that she's worried about is the actual amount $50,000, but rather the fact that she's been hiding it from her husband for quite a while, it seems. It's not how she'll pay it back, but how to deal with keeping a pretty big secret from a loved one.

I think coming to him with a plan, ie. I've been carrying this debt from school, and I've been thinking that to start paying it off would be $x/ month for x amount of time, so how about I take a job for x hrs.. bring in $x which will go towards, or I can take a full time job for 1-2 yrs, and pay it off, or whatever. Don't know the whole situation and numbers, but I think if you come up with solutions to the problem and present it together with the problem it'll be much easier to digest.

amother

Fri, Aug 28 2009, 3:22 pm

ShakleeMom wrote:

I don't get it, I'm very confused. You take out a loan, you go to college... what's the problem? Is the problem that for all these years he's been giving you money to pay t back and you've squandered it on sheitels, massages, and Italian shoes? If you're terrified of his reaction, what else has been bothering you all this time?

He doesn't know the loan exists. (Unless, as some of you have suggested, he assumes I had one. Which I should think about.) It was a government program, and it's interest-free as long as you're in school, and you don't start repaying until you finish school.

ShakleeMom

Fri, Aug 28 2009, 3:25 pm

amother wrote:

ShakleeMom wrote:

Ok I'm starting to get it. So he thought you're getting school for free and in reality school was free until you're done. The sechel says you should earn the money with the new credentials. I would wait for the first bill to come in the mail. And leave it out on the counter, or better yet, bring it out for dessert after a particular nice meal. You gotta tell him. Question is, can you handle it? I guess not. Can you have a third person tell him "Your wife is terrified, feels like 2 cents, here's the situation" and say it like it is. in man talk. I am going to bet one month's loan payment that your dh will be so happy to learn the truth, and embrace the payments.

Flowerpot

Fri, Aug 28 2009, 3:35 pm

ShakleeMom wrote:

amother wrote:

ShakleeMom wrote:

I would NOT lv it on the counter nor would I mix in a 3rd party bcz then he will come ti relize what a BIG SECRET you where hiding from him and he might not trust you so fast. I would rather start dropping hints as in pretend you think he is aware of it and you will be a SAHM as soon as all is paid.

solo

Fri, Aug 28 2009, 3:58 pm

how longhave u known each other? have long have u not told him?
I cant imagine pretending to have told him something that uve kept secret for many years.
I do think its a manageable debt but u hafta deal with it instead of letting it accrue.
in my relationship it would be so much better to say I really messed up. I feel terrible. this is the problem. these r my options for dealing with it. I really luv u and feel terribly guilty. I think we can get through it.
just seems like a bad idea to solve one lie by creating another

Pickle Lady

Sat, Aug 29 2009, 8:50 pm

OP amother I feel so bad for you that you feel that you need to lie. The US department of Education isn't like a credit card company. They do work with you. I would come clean with your husband just because the longer the lie the worse you will feel. If your husband is a good man then he will probably be more sad that you lied to him than the money. My husband also married me with student loan debt. It happens. One upside is that it helps you have a good credit score.

bubby

Sat, Aug 29 2009, 9:19 pm

Poor OP!!

It really isn't as bad as you think, we all seem to agree on that. Keeping this secret has to be such a burden...I hope that now you've shared it you feel better.

I like the idea of sort of assuming he knew (if he's a professional he may well know!) When the first bill comes in you can discuss then, but maybe if you are close to finishing school it would be better to say very matter-of-factly, "Well, I need to work at least initially to pay back my student loans." Like, it's a given. Don't be afraid, just present it as a fait accompli: you have the debt & you're going to pay it off.

Don't worry, this isn't a "going to leave you" offense! Just stand your ground & play dumb, like you assumed he knew & you never brought it up because you didn't think it was an issue until the end of the course drew near.

Good Luck...let us know what happens. Remember, you didn't do anything wrong!

marina

Sun, Aug 30 2009, 5:30 am

What is this post about?

Imagine the reverse. Imagine that you found out your husband had 50K worth of debt. Not from a gambling problem, but from an education loan. Would you consider leaving him? What about 75K? 100K?

Maybe it's just because between us both, my husband and I are going to end up with 250K worth of education debt, but I don't see this even as a minor argument issue, not anywhere close to a "leaving" issue.

Also, depending on what field you go into and where you work, your debt may be fully or partially forgiven.

BeershevaBubby

Sun, Aug 30 2009, 7:39 am

marina wrote:

The difference is, you both know about the debt. The OP is worried because her husband doesn't know about it. This was debt from before they were married. In addition, her husband has this dream that she'll be a SAHM... so she spent all this money and isn't doing anything with whatever degree she bought with her education.

amother

Sun, Aug 30 2009, 9:06 am

Mama Bear wrote:

why are you going to school if youre plannin to be a sahm?

That's not a fair question. We can learn for the sake of learning. We can go to school and add letters after our name because we want certain knowledge and won't feel completely satisfied without it. And just because we're going to be spending our days taking care of our children at home, doesn't mean we needn't be educated. There are lots of dumb mommies out there....I didn't want to be one, so like the OP, I went to school. (And no, I'm not saying that anyone who is uneducated is dumb).

What if her husband is super well-educated? Shouldn't she want to be intelligent so that she can keep up with him intellectually? Or *GASP*...what if she wants to be even more intellectual than her husband??

Pickle Lady

Sun, Aug 30 2009, 9:49 am

amother wrote:

Mama Bear wrote:

why are you going to school if youre plannin to be a sahm?

I think MB misunderstood the OPs original post.

The OP went to college BEFORE she was married with the intention of a career. She is now mostly in school to defer the loan so that she doesn't have to come clean with the fact that she has a 50K loan. She seems to let on in her posts that its her husband that wants her to SAHM but she has not really said in the posts that she doesn't want to be one but that she think she may have to work anyway to pay back the loan.

OP come clean with your husband. No good is going to come from keeping it a lie. I would tell your husband that while you WANT to be a SAHM it might not be an option until a large portion of the loan is paid. I also have a US loan and you can pay a larger amount than the actual bill every month. In the end it will lower your final amount, while your loan might be for 50K in the end after 10 years or so you will have paid probably more like 75K with all the interest. So its better to pay larger portions now if you can. Also interest rates are low now and that helps you alot. The payments are lower then. As interest rates go up so does your payments. So getting a job for a few years with the intention of paying off the loan debt, is a good idea now.

A US loan is the best loan you can have, its not like have a credit card debit. BUT it is the US government and its a big problem if you default on it.

ES1017

Sun, Aug 30 2009, 9:56 am

I feel like giving you a big hug for carrying this emotional burden on your own everyday. This is not a way to live! And to the person who asked why she needs to go to school if she plans of being a SAHM; aside from being personally enriching for her, the more educated she is the more she can impart to her children. There is value in education itself, besides the potential for financial profit, I am sorry that you fail to see that.

You should not have to carry this burden on your own. Marriage is supposed to be about solidarity, you husband should be a source of support and not fear. If your husband would even think about leaving you over this, what would that say about him? I think if you search deep enough you will know the answer to that question. A true Husband will be there to help you sort things out and will be understanding. You should not be punishing yourself, instead try seeing this as a test of his good moral character. There are worse problems in life than this and far far worse transgressions. Sit him down and explain your predicament, just as you wrote it out here in your post. If he is a good man he will be there for you and understand. Also, there are non-profit organizations out there for Jewish families that let you borrow some money interest free, I have heard of one before called Hebrew Free Loans. I think the amount they let you borrow is limited, but still it would buy you some time before the interest started to pile up. The only way to solve this problem is to sit down together and brainstorm all of the options. Sharing on imamother was the first step for you, the next step is opening up about this with family and friends. That is what they are there for and that is when they are put to the greatest test of their decency as friends and family!