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Forum -> Parenting our children

Fighting

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Bamentch

Wed, Feb 10 2010, 12:22 am

what have you done sucessfully when two of your kids r constantly at each other-I feel like I've had it with the nonstop fighting,am not new to parenting but this is way too much.Ideas,PLEASE!!

Nuts

Thu, Feb 11 2010, 11:00 pm

Did u try ignoring them and letting them settle this on their own?

Bamentch

Thu, Feb 11 2010, 11:50 pm

100%-being Im not new to this,Ive read up on it and know thats whats recommended but it hasnt helped...

Nuts

Fri, Feb 12 2010, 12:00 am

It definitely isn't easy. If they were fighting over a toy I would take it away from them. That way they wouldn't have to fight over it anymore. That is if ignoring didn't help.

pecan

Fri, Feb 12 2010, 12:04 am

If it's any comfort, many families, myself included are going through the same thing.
It drives me nuts!
My aunt always said she only got involved when it was time to take someone to the hospital.

Bamentch

Fri, Feb 12 2010, 12:05 am

I wish it were simple like that-its more like he's bothering me,he annoyed me-nothing tangible I could just take away.And I don't want to referee-I just want them to not drive each other and me crazy...

Bamentch

Fri, Feb 12 2010, 12:08 am

Pecan,Im tempted!

Happy Mom

Fri, Feb 12 2010, 12:18 am

Definitely don't ignore it! The stronger or more annoying one will always win. They learn to resolve things with your adult guidance and supervision, not by being left to deal with it with their underdeveloped skills.

You didn't say the ages, but I do something similar for kids of all ages (from toddlers and up). I immediately stop them, put them on a couch or somewhere in my sight and they don't talk, they don't make faces, read, nothing - until I decide they come off. (This is obviously much shorter for a toddler than for a 9 year old.) When they come off they have to be ready to apologize to each other and interact nicely. (The 2.5 and 3.5 apologize to each other, give each other a hug, and then go play.)

If they can't be pleasant and start up again, I'm not going to play games putting them on the couch for five minutes here and there all day long - if there's a second time they'll be sorry they made a bad choice. It's pretty simple - if they can't use their powers of speech nicely, they lose them. For a significant period of time. I've chosen to have a low tolerance for bad behavior, after realizing that kids aren't stupid and know how far they can push us - and will push us to whatever limit we set.

BH, I do have some bickering but not much fighting, even with nine kids who are home all day, every day together.

marina

Fri, Feb 12 2010, 1:48 am

At our house, we do the ice-cream scoops thing.

Each kid starts out with 3 smiley faces for the day. They lose a smiley by fighting. They gain one by working something out peacefully. However many smileys they have at the end of the day (up to 6) is how many scoops of icecream they get before bed.

It works relatively well, you just have to vary the flavors so they don't get bored. Scoops can be whatever size the spoon is.

the world's best mom

Fri, Feb 12 2010, 7:42 am

I love the ice cream idea. I can't see getting bored of ice cream, regardless of the flavor.

Another idea- an Ahavas Yisroel chart. Every time a kid gets attacked by a sibling and doesn't fight back, they get a sticker on their chart. After a certain amount, they get a prize. (By attacked, I mean anything that would make him want to fight back.)

Fri, Feb 12 2010, 12:16 pm

My kids were fighting and hurting each other non-stop! I was going nuts! My sister just gave me a book called SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVELRY. It's easy reading - in two days I was done.

It changed my house.

Can't say they never fight but they have learned how to resolve most of them themselves.

hatzlacha.

Bamentch

Tue, Feb 16 2010, 12:24 am

Thanx 4 the input-will check into siblings without...and like the chart idea...keep them coming,Ill try anything(almost!)

kalsee

Tue, Feb 16 2010, 6:46 am

I don't mean to knock anyone's parenting style, or methods.
But just recently I read an article (I think it was in the Binah) about tangible rewards for good deeds (ice cream , stickers, etc.)

I don't want to cheapen the article by summarizing it in one sentence , but the main point was - if you reward every good deed with a prize, you may be losing out on teaching real values.

e1234

Tue, Feb 16 2010, 6:56 am

so what's the secret in the book?

problem with fighting is often one is more to blaim then the other but you don't know forsure

happymom

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 7:44 pm

I would figure out why they are fighting so much. is there something going on at home and they are letting it out on each other? do they have very different personlaities and need more space? are they expected to do things on thier own and need more guidance with working things out? realizing why they are fighting first, can help you figure out how to help them learn to get along.

amother

Tue, Jul 06 2010, 7:01 pm

How do I get my 3-year old to stop bothering his 1-year old brother? This has been going on since the baby was 4 months old and is just not stopping. I've tried e/t from positive reinforcement to time-out. He keeps pushing/hitting/slapping the younger one non-stop. I can't take my eyes off them for one second 24/7.

amother

Sun, Jul 11 2010, 8:09 am

it's def. harder to explain these ideas to little kids- I had to repeat the chart idea to my 4 year old 3 times.
He and my 6.5 year old are just relentless! Sometimes they play SO nicely together and I can shep such nachas. But the times they fight you just want to yell at them. That doesn't help, nor do the T.O.s...I like the chart idea and placed a hold on that book, too.
thanks!
ps- this is for another topic probably, but my husband started "disciplining" in other ways that I am SO angry about. He gives little slaps. I said "how does that teach them not to hit?! to them it's hypocritical" and it doesn't! But he just won't listen and keeps doing it= it's infuriating.

OTOH, how DO you teach no hitting- especially to parents? The second they hit anyone, I send them to TO for twice their age. But when they hit a parent- that should be a harsher punishment. I'm at a loss these days.

Oh, and though I know of several of my friends who have it like (or worse than) me, I see some other friends whose children are like angels! THey wouldn't even DREAM of hitting each other- let alone their parent!

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