Which is more rude?

amother

Mon, Dec 05 2011, 2:07 pm

Is it more rude to decline dinner invitations (because our children act horrible on Shabbos) or is it better to show up and hope for the best, knowing full well that the kids will not cooperate? They are ages 5, 7, and 3.

I don't know what it is. When the candles are lit, all of a sudden the kids go besirk. Like all manners are out the window. We put them bed to early and then eat dinner by ourselves but by then my DH and I are in a mood.

And would you invite someone to dinner, and then ask how many people/kids are in the family? I would not invite someone without taking into account a little about what I know of them...

Ema of 5

Mon, Dec 05 2011, 2:20 pm

we decline ALL night invitations because my kids (4 and 2) go bonkers at night if we are not home. we make one exception- a few times a year we go to cousins who live a few blocks away.

I KNOW without a DOUBT that my kids will go nuts, so I just dont do it. if we ever get invited out, I tell them they are more than welcome to come to us.....

justforfun87

Mon, Dec 05 2011, 2:31 pm

PLEASE explain the situation and politely decline. I do not have kids yet (few weeks away) so that is why I feel this way but it really ruins the mood of shabbos when kids act up. We have a single neighbor who we invite over often but her two kids are little monsters. They get really kvetchy, demand a lot of attention, and the whole meal changes direction from a pleasant experience to a zoo. Obviously you want to go out so you do not have to cook but if you know Friday night is there trigger keep them home, go out for shabbos lunch instead, and put em to bed early!

Ima'la

Mon, Dec 05 2011, 2:31 pm

I don't think it is at all rude to simply say, "Thank you for the invitation. We'd love to come, but we've found that it's best for our kids to stay home Friday nights." You are not required to accept every invitation offered, though it is nice to offer some sort of explanation indicating that it is nothing personal.

amother

Mon, Dec 05 2011, 2:50 pm

Thanks for the responses. What if I've already accepted an invitation but then experienced yet another shabbos dinner nightmare and now want to cancel the invitation...? I don't ever want to go anywhere with the kids as guests unless it's a family we know well who also has kids that know my kids and play together well. I spend all my time attending to one child or the other when I'm at other people's houses.

zaq

Mon, Dec 05 2011, 3:14 pm

An invitation is just that: an offer, not a command performance. You have the right to accept or decline for a good reason or for no reason at all. It is certainly not rude to decline an invitation for a good reason, and having children who are not quite ready for prime time is an **excellent** reason.

It's rude to accept and then just not show up or cancel at the last minute for no good reason. Realizing that your children are not ready for this kind of outing is a good reason, because disrutive kids can ruin a host's meal. Still, you should be very apologetic if you're changing your mind late in the week, because your hostess may have already made preparations and it may be too late to invite other guests. It is not rude to change your mind well in advance. Again, for a good reason.

If you have any doubts at all about your children's company-worthiness, you should decline at the outset. These people will still be your friends when your kids are a little older and more mature.
To make it clear that your children are the limiting factor in this equation, you might say "the kids don't do well Friday nights, but we'd love to come for a Shabbat lunch if that's possible" (assuming this is true).

I'm amazed people invite you for Friday nights. The only person who ever invited us Friday nights when our children were small was my sister. Even my own parents knew better.

ewa-jo

Mon, Dec 05 2011, 3:22 pm

We don't go out Friday night...ever.

It's a perfectly good reason to say that your kids need their normal schedule and normal bedtimes.. you don't have to say that your kids will act up or say anything about their behavior. I know grown-up people who skip late-night events because they need to be in bed at a decent hour.

Della

Mon, Dec 05 2011, 3:31 pm

amother wrote:

You say, "Thank you so much for the invitation. Because we like you so much, I may have been premature in accepting the invite. At our kids current stages, we really can't eat out Friday nights. IYH when they're a bit older and can handle disruption in schedules, we'd love to come. I hope you'll understand." That's it.

MuppetLover

Mon, Dec 05 2011, 3:41 pm

I agree with never taking kids out on a Friday night..although my kids are 7,4, and 7 mths so its different for me...my baby sleeps and as long as my four year old naps before shabbos for at least 30 minutes, we are ok. Another month or two and I am back to never eathing out on a Friday night for a few more years....In any case, if you realize its too much for you just say the truth. As a host, I would rather you were upfront and said "Id love to come, but I am realizing my kids would be bonkers..."

MiracleMama

Mon, Dec 05 2011, 4:44 pm

Raisin wrote:

my kids often behave much better when other people are around.

Mine too. And better behaved outside the home in general as well. But even so, small children get tired and schlepping them out Friday night is a recipe for disaster for many families.

Explain the situation. Tell them you'd love to share a meal in the future, but lunches are better. In fact, go ahead and invite them to you for a Shabbos lunch if you can.