how to say no in awkward situations

tsiggelle

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 1:19 pm

paprika wrote:

tsiggelle wrote:

paprika wrote:

If her friend can possibly force her DH to be on good behavior then OP is doing a double chessed by going. I don't think you can force an emotionally ill person to be on good behavior, so if she's inviting friends then she knows what she's getting herself into and she's obviously ok with it.

I don't think OP will be miserable. Like she said, he's usually fine in public. For the small chance that he will act up, I would just start talking to my DH and kids and make believe I'm totally uninterested in the scene that he is putting up.

there is emotionally ill, and there is emotionally ill. they are not all the same, and there are definitely those who can and do. talking from experience here.

If she can force him to be on good behavior, what is the problem with that? Why should that keep op back from going?

if she knows it will for sure work, and if op's dh is fully on board willingly, then that would be ok, but if either of those two is lacking, I say to not go.

there are plenty of other ways and times to stay friends with that friend.

amother

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 1:40 pm

We once had a friend like that. He was always screaming and yelling at everybody. But he would also get physically abusive and go so far as to slap his wife or even his son in front of us. For the most part I felt bad for the wife and children so we remained friends. One day during a shabbos seuda I couldn't take it anymore. After one such outburst I got up from the table yelled at him to stop treating his wife this way, told his wife I was sorry and not sure why she puts up with his abuse and left.

His actions gave me flashbacks of my screaming father. Even if you never saw that one shouldn't have to tolerate it.

It is more important for you to protect your family from seeing this than for you to be at a purim seuda.

She's still married to the man so I guess puts up with it. But you don't have to. Find ways to go out with her alone.

I guess a simple "no thank you" won't do. How would she feel if you told her the truth?

hbf

Thu, Feb 14 2013, 7:44 am

Wow, you're pretty amazing! Clearly you want to have a friendship with her and she, despite the fact that her husband has some problems nebech, and 'acts wrong' in front of you - which must be not only hard for her but probably humiliating and embarrassing, she wants to have your friendship. I suppose that perhaps the last time he behaved badly, you reacted how she needed you to and that you didn't run away and never speak to her again. Perhaps she feels that she gets that little bit of support from you as you know her secret and she doesn't feel judged for it.
It would make more sense for you to have her in your home where you're most comfortable and can excuse yourself if you need to leave the room for a minute. Also, a different house may make it easier for him to 'behave' like a mentch. Not an easy decision to make. You sound like a good friend and whatever decision you make, you and your family come first as its your Purim too. Wishing you an easy time with it.

amother

Thu, Feb 14 2013, 8:00 am

lots of good advice here...

as sorry as I am for your friend I would not subject myself, my DH, and most importantly my children to this.
The reality that her DH might not "lose it" would not be enough to take such a risk.

your friend might benefit more from your strengthening your relationship with her-- you can support her, perhaps she can safely confide in you and get chizuk and more.

hatzlocha