Respectful wives how do you do it?

Chickensoupprof

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 2:40 pm

Basically this: “is this worth my shalom bayis?”
And knowing what your dh is good at and appreciate something if he does something what is difficult for him praise him. I’m super yekkish if I need to catch a flight on 3:00 I want to be exactly at the airport at 1:00. When the gate number shows up I NEED to go to the gate. I’m basically standing already with my passport and boarding pass there. My husband knows and understand that I have this habit, it’s not worth the sholom Bayis if he always argue it. What I can do is understanding “ok it’s silly to stand there it’s my own stress my own habit my husband doesn’t need to be a victim of that” and always talk about it and try to improve your self or just understanding yourself. My husband wants that when I finish something I clean it up which I often don’t but he is so happy when I do but even when I don’t his reaction shouldn’t be a tantrum towards me and guilt trip me. I need to learn be less cluttered.

amother

Linen

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 2:42 pm

Chickensoupprof wrote:

With all due respect the examples you have aren’t serious disagreements and most people would be able to control themselves with those kinds of disagreements. But what about more serious disagreements when it’s not so easy to give in?
I also believe a lot of it depends on the personalities and nature of the 2 spouses. Some people are just harder to get along with and some people are more easygoing and easier to agree with.

Chickensoupprof

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 2:45 pm

amother [ Linen ] wrote:

I had once a serious argument about money, we basically talked both with a friend we trust in this matter. I won.

amother

Emerald

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 2:46 pm

I am one of those that rarely blow up at my husband. And I don't take much credit for it. I believe there are a few contributing factors here. Firstly, I grew up in a home where I never ever saw my mother lose it at my father. Next, my husband is not a strong minded, fanatic kinna guy. He's usually pretty easy going. Not this strongly passionate opinionated person. So if there's something I feel very strongly about, he's usually ok with it being my way. (Before getting all envious, there is another side to this personality, so don't worry Wink

)

amother

Violet

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 2:50 pm

A marriage with zero disagreements is not a good marriage. In a good marriage, both partners grow and have their needs met. Sometimes that means negotiating, because no two people think alike.

Disagreement doesn't mean yelling or giving the silent treatment. It means assuming the best, looking at your spouse and saying, this person loves me and wants the best for me. If he's not giving it, why not? Does he not know what I want? Is he unable to give it? If so, why? How does he see the situation? That's the starting point of discussion.

amother

Copper

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 3:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I know there are some women who never yell or fight with their husbands. How do these respectful wives do it? Is it middos, personality, or something else?

I am a respectful wife (I think) but I definitely do fight with DH and sometimes I yell at him (rarely).

I respect him and believe that he has the same goals as me, even if we sometimes disagree on how to reach those goals. He is just as smart as me and just as dedicated to our home, family, and marriage. I don't know better than him, just like he doesn't know better than me. He doesn't want to fight with me, and I don't want to fight with him, so most times if we end up fighting it is because we are both frustrated and feel unheard and stuck.

amother

Maroon

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 3:24 pm

I used to be a yeller, because my mother was. Honestly I thought it was the only way. At some point a couple of years ago I realized that my husband is super devoted to me BH and truly wants to make me happy. It is very hard for him when I yell, and I slowly changed my way. BH I have really come a long way, can’t say I don’t yell at all, but I try really hard to keep my cool and talk respectfully, BH BH things have drastically changed.
A lot of times I think - is this really worth getting into a whole thing over.. and BH a lot of times I’m able to stay calm and move forward positively.

amother

Burlywood

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 4:04 pm

BH I think I could say my husband and I never yell at each other. We don't really fight either, just have occasional disagreements or one of us will get hurt by something the other one did (usually totally by accident).
I would say the first thing I do is just be quiet and think everything over many times before I say it. Then, SAY IT. If you don't communicate your feelings it will just be a vicious cycle and he'll never know how much something means to you. But say it with "I statements," be mature and calm and not petty or emotional.
A lot of times I'll need to apologize, and I try my best to never let my ego get in the way. I know pride is a way bigger deal for men anyways, so why not be the first to apologize. We are not on different sides, we're on the same team.
Also know yourself, and know his personality, and recognize the issues that are underlying most of your disagreements or bad feelings, and try to address it. So like I used to get really hormonal whenever I got my period and would end up saying stupid things to DH and then he would get hurt and then I learned to just not have discussions or conversations when I was in that frame of mind.
There's more I could say. But I guess yeah, it comes down to a combination of personality and middos and maturity. And having a DH that's worth respecting! BH I got a good one Smile

Married for 3+ years for reference.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 4:06 pm

I rarely get angry at people, never yell at my kids, but my husband is a jerk, so after years of verbal abuse, I became stronger and don’t take his garbage anymore.

So I think I have good middos, but I can’t say I use them in our relationship much anymore.

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 4:10 pm

These women are presumably not overly sleep deprived and not overly stressed.

It's not so hard to be Mrs Perfect when you're in a good place physically & mentally and are taking care of yourself.

Just saying, because I don't really argue with my husband- EXCEPT when I'm an exhausted zombie- and then everything triggers me.

It has nothing to do with middos and everything to do with exhaustion.

amother

Ecru

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 4:19 pm

If you read Fascinating Womanhood for the Timeless woman, it will teach you how to respect and appreciate your husband. She made me aware of so many things and goes into the male mindset. It is a very conservative anti feminist book. The author believes in traditional roles so this is not for kollel wives.

Gut

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 5:11 pm

Really respect and apprection of husband and fights have nothing to do with each other. You could fight and even yell (rarly) and still respect your husband a lot. How do define respect? For me it means to see the good of the other and appriciate what the other is and does.