Is it normal? | Imamother

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 8:30 am

amother [ DarkViolet ] wrote:

“It’s not normal to have cleaning help if one doesn’t work outside of the home”

Lots of black and white thinking

This is a very closed minded and narrow way of thinking. Don't you think that so many other things can go on inside for needing cleaning help? U don't only must work to be able to higher a cleaning lady . Should I list here a bunch of things why it's important for others to have cleaning ladies even when they don't work? I'd rather let you figure this out on your own. One can be a sahm and still need extra help .

watergirl

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 8:31 am

OP, is it that he did not give you money, or that you are low at this time of the month for whatever reason, you are not aware of the reason because you are seemingly not involved in the finances? My husband also manages the finances but I am involved (ie, he takes care of most of the bill paying but I check the accounts and look at the spending, etc, and I also take care of some bills; we divided up who watches out for which bills). He might tell me not to buy anything until payday if we are low and he does the same. But if there is something I need or just really want and I cant pass it up for whatever reason, we figure out a way to make it work usually but sometimes there is literally no way and we have to forgo the sale or forgo the item I really need. Yes, we both work, but all of our earnings go into the same pot.

But if there is no money for shopping, it's just not there.

OP, can you give us a better idea of the financial dynamic in your home? It could shed light and we can give you better input re: is he controlling and parenting you, or is he telling it to you like it is (there is no extra money this week and he knows this because he handles the finances). Which is it?

nicole81

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 8:37 am

We all have lots on our plate. People who need money work, regardless of other things going on. I'm not sure you really understand that. And even if you get a part time job, you shouldn't assume whatever money you make will go straight into your pocket for shopping and cleaning help.

As a family, you have a fixed amount of expenses. You should also be trying to put money aside for emergencies, buying a house, retirement, unforseen expenses etc. You need to discuss with your husband how much money is coming in, and how much is going out. Based on the difference, you can then decide together if you can allot money for cleaning and non-food shopping, and much thereof. You may also realize that a second income in necessary.

Seeing as you mentioned that your credit card bills are too high on some months, it appears that your husband isn't making enough, or barely so, to cover your expenses. If that's the case, then yes- it's completely fair for him to say there isn't enough money for extras.

OP- you need to decide whether you want to continue in blissful ignorance of financials and weather the ups and downs of when your husband has money for extras or not, or if you want to be a partner in the finances-- which may require you to work, cut back even more, etc, but at least you will understand and be on the same page as your spouse.

amother

Blueberry

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 9:12 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It’s just one thing I stated. Your taking my whole post & not getting the whole context.

You asked if it was normal ....
I replied that it’s not normal to spend what you don’t have. & the fact you have cleaning help is a luxury that not everyone can afford.
Especially if they don’t work outside the home.

Again, you sound immature & very childish

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 9:51 am

amother [ Blushpink ] wrote:

Sounds like this is the first time your husband said he can’t give you money. It’s actually very normal.

How is it normal for a husband to give or not give, his spouse money?

Also OP, not sure why you deleted your op. you alreasy posted, your op has been quoted, its all here.

nicole81

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 10:05 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

How is it normal for a husband to give or not give, his spouse money?

Also OP, not sure why you deleted your op. you alreasy posted, your op has been quoted, its all here.

Some people happily have this arrangement. In some communities, it's the most prevalent model. The problem arises when there's not enough to go around and the one not involved in the finances doesn't understand.

amother

Amaryllis

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 11:23 am

I am horrified.

I don’t agree with everything that op initially wrote. I agree to disagree respectfully. The op is obviously wanting to share and have it discussed woman to woman. In a gentle and fair manner. If you don’t understand something she wrote , feel free to ask her to explain herself.

Why is everyone pouncing on her. Try saying it to her face. Doubt that would happen. Let’s be empathetic and respectful. You don’t have to agree. Skip the post then.

amother

Blueberry

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 11:28 am

amother [ Amaryllis ] wrote:

Why are you horrified ??
She asked if it was normal .....
& we answered.

Interesting that we can only reply what OPs want to hear?
If one doesn’t want a whole bunch of peoples answers, than don’t ask.

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 11:36 am

amother [ Amaryllis ] wrote:

Horrified about what? I don't see anything bad or disrespectful about this thread. Just a normal discussion. No one is pouncing on her.

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:30 pm

amother [ Amaryllis ] wrote:

Just because you don’t agree doesn’t mean you can be mean to posters. That’s it’s. I have no clue who op is and I wish her the best.

Who is being mean? I don't see anyone being mean?

Mothers

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:49 pm

amother [ Blueberry ] wrote:

Couldn’t you make your point without the last sentence?

amother

Clear

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 9:29 pm

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

Cleaning help is more important than a shopping spree at a sale. When we're tight, my once a week cleaning help is the last thing I'd think of giving up.

I can't agree more!!
some weeks I have a crazy little amount of money to spend in the grocery but I won't give up my cleaning lady!!! sanity !!!!

amother

Clear

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 9:36 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

don't listen to a word about cleaning help. of course you need the help! be proud you're not letting yourself turn into a rag!! and that you're getting yourself the help instead of feeling helpless and dysfunctional. Rebetzin Braunstein used to say if she could change one thing, looking back, she would have eaten tuna fish from Shabbos to Shabbos but gotten cleaning help!!
it's my sanity!! happens to be, my circumstances changed and I work now...but even when I didn't work, I took cleaning help (and circumstances were that I was MORE overwhelmed with my life then- and I wasn't really working- those were the circumstances I was in then..)
and I don't think your immature- what an immature thing to write to someone else btw- I also get really upset if I can't buy things on sale....

amother

Honey

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 9:40 pm

I really believe that the husband and wife should have an equal say in finances, regardless of who brings in the money. If one spouse isn't working and the other one is in agreement to that (which it seems like in this case), there is no reason the money belongs to him more than you.
In my case, I bring in the income as DH is learning full time. I don't look at it as I own the $ at all. (I know, I know - everything I have belongs to DH).

I think you need to have an open conversation with DH because this is clearly bothering you.

The only reason why I would agree with a husband doing this, is if the wife spends and spends and there really isn't enough $. Many husbands are struggling to pay the bills while their wives spend every penny they bring in. From the OP, we have no way of knowing if this is the case, but I think you have to be honest and see if perhaps you are spending $ that you don't have and DH has to put his foot down.