S/O alternatives to potching

dankbar

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:03 am

When my 4 yr old has tantrums and gets irrational, there no point in fighting her, it just escalates. What I do is calm her down, by cuddling. She comes onto my lap or sits next to me on couch, I pat her, she soothes with her blanket and paci, and that's only thing that works. We connect with touch. Every child is diff. I don't think by her it's its being stubborn to get her way. I think her head is nervous, when something us not the way she thinks it belongs, she is very rigid.
For example if I told her first day of daycamp, that she will be going to daycamp, same school building but they will be going swimming and on trips. First day they didn't go swimming.
When I asked her how daycamp was, she had a huge melt down. It's not daycare, only reg school, because there was no swimming.
It would be useless, to argue with her or set her straight, or explain to her.
Instead, I calmed her down with cuddling.

NechaMom

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:04 am

amother Pistachio wrote:

I don’t understand what strict parenting means if not punishment that’s usually the context I’ve heard it in
Any exampl?

It’s hard to give one example without telling you what comes before and after and I can’t repost the whole book. But I’ll give you a tiny glimpse.
If you tell them to pick up the toys but they don’t want to she teaches you how you actually take their hand and make them do it. After doing this enough times they end up doing it at their own free will.
Obviously, this is one sentence out of a whole method so it’s like teaching you algebra before addition and subtraction.

amother

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:05 am

NechaMom wrote:

Why wouldn’t it work for you if you need some guidance from a book? Parenting is not a quick fix especially if you resort to hitting easily.

Not what I meant. I meant that if you can't give me an example, I can't get it now because I can't afford it. I usually have to start with one thing from a book, I can't buy into a system in a day. If one method seems useful, I'll consider saving up to buy the book for more methods. But if it's an all-or-nothing book, I really don't need more "systems." I need more tools.

amother

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:08 am

dankbar wrote:

I can cuddle a hysterically crying 3yo. I don't know how to cuddle a hitting, kicking 7yo. I can hold them down on my lap, but when they are screaming that they can't breathe and that I'm breaking off their arms, and I literally have to use all of my strength to do it, it feels abusive, not nurturing.

amother

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:09 am

NechaMom wrote:

What I said in the previous post but please don’t try it without learning it fully.

Does it work with a child that will just droop down to the floor and continue kicking and throwing from there, so that you would need to drag them to the toy box if you wanted them to go there?

amother

Fern

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:11 am

Be an active involved mindful parent. Many times if we'd be paying attention to our kids, making sure they have age appropriate activities, crafts, toys, games, taking them to the park. And making sure there's at least 4:1 positive to negative interaction in your home will prevent so much negative behavior.
How much misbehavior occurs while we're on our phones or resting. Ofteno it's the parent who needs to be disciplined.

NechaMom

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:12 am

amother OP wrote:

Does it work with a child that will just droop down to the floor and continue kicking and throwing from there, so that you would need to drag them to the toy box if you wanted them to go there?

Most likely yes because she created this method because of her special needs child. Sort of like ABA. Then she decided it can work on regular kids just as well. That is why many people who like a more gentle approach don’t go for this. This is too strict for soft kids. Every child needs something else and the way you explained yours it seems like they would benefit from it.

dankbar

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:12 am

I tell my kids that I can only hear what they have to say if they speak respectfully. They need to calm down first, then I can listen to what they want and we can try to figure out a solution.

The answer doesn't mean it has to be a yes, but when they are tantrumming then you can't reason with them

amother

Bisque

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:14 am

Op my 20 month old is the same. Not old enough to understand warnings and consequences and when he hurts me on purpose or does something dangerous like yank his hand out of mine and and run into the street he gets a potch . And no that’s not abusive

amother

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:19 am

NechaMom wrote:

Does it also work if you're not trying to get them to DO something, just to STOP doing something? I don't need to force them to clean up or anything, that I can usually work with them on. I just need them to stop being dangerous/wild/destructive when they are beyond all rational communication.

NechaMom

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:21 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes she has a method for negative behavior that you want them to stop and for positive behavior you want them to do.
I hope I get commission for recommending her. Very Happy

dankbar

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:24 am

Also, with some kids it's better to be proactive, and prevent getting into a power struggle.

Dragging kids, holding them down ends up in a power struggle, where they are fighting back to see who is stronger. And you can physically get hurt.

Strong minded kids, need to be given choices instead of being commanded what to do and how.

If they feel somewhat in control, they won't fight you.

Obviously with things that don't make such a difference and you are more likely to get their cooperation.

Some thing are non negotiable.

If you tell them what to wear, but they fight you to wear something else, so then you either give in or need to fight.

Now if you come and say before they fight, I let you choose what you want to wear, or give two options. Win win. They feel good. No fights.

If you give a chore, like clean up your room. Instead of yelling 10x for it to get done, and child defying. You can write a list of stuff that need to be done in the room, walk away, don't look then you can give a choice, you want to clean your room now or after supper. Or tell them, at this and this time, it needs to be done, I'm not looking how and when you done, I trust that you will do it.

Let's say instead of threatening if you don't eat the chicken, you won't get ice cream, then they test you. Rather whenever you are done with your chicken, you can come to mommy for ice cream.

esther7

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:29 am

amother Bisque wrote:

NechaMom

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:30 am

amother Bisque wrote:

This baby belongs strapped in a carriage.

amother

Bisque

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:37 am

esther7 wrote:

20 month old is still really young. There are definitely better, healthier and more effective ways of discipline than potching even for dangerous situations. Please please take the time to read up on parenting books while your child is still young. Ok so give one example of what you can do when the child is doing very dangerous things. Everyone keeps on talking about alternatives but no one is giving any that make sense for a 20 month old. We are talking about a smart kid who knows they are doing something wearing and do it anyway. They need to be taught that this behavior is a real no no. For example slamming his head into an infants head, running into the street. Head butting me while I’m holding him and then going limp so I dropped him.

amother

Bisque

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:38 am

NechaMom wrote:

This baby belongs strapped in a carriage.

ah and keeping a 20 month old strapped in a carriage all day is not abuse? Oh and I forgot to mention that he can get out of any car seat and carriage. He is a smart kid.

dankbar

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:39 am

NechaMom wrote:

This baby belongs strapped in a carriage.

My toddlers used to climb out of 5 point harnesses, from carriage. Run out of stores, into the street. For one, I would let him walk, but I had a harness on a leash. They sold it for babies at that time, in pharmacy.

It sounds absurd, but there was nothing to restrain him not to do dangerous things. And he wanted his independence, this way he felt like he had it, and I had a bit of control.

NechaMom

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 1:39 am

amother Bisque wrote:

ah and keeping a 20 month old strapped in a carriage all day is not abuse? Oh and I forgot to mention that he can get out of any car seat and carriage. He is a smart kid.

All day? I thought you’re talking about when out on the street. He can get out of a carriage with the harness?