Wondering something that my dd said

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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#BestBubby

Wed, May 01 2024, 1:32 am

Therapy = blame mother for everything.

Been that way since Freud.

amother

Wed, May 01 2024, 6:54 am

amother Jetblack wrote:

Most people from dysfunctional homes are very cognizant of how their parents raised them and will likely be a little different. Yet, they will automatically repeat patterns that are similar to them no matter how much they try to be different. I have heard this from numerous people and I myself experience this.

This

It’s so hard. And while I’ve made a lot of progress in my life, I think I’ve done a lot of damage.
I feel really bad.

amother

Wed, May 01 2024, 6:55 am

#BestBubby wrote:

Therapy = blame mother for everything.

Been that way since Freud.

Indont blame my mother. I blame my father

amother

Lotus

Wed, May 01 2024, 7:18 am

amother OP wrote:

This

It’s so hard. And while I’ve made a lot of progress in my life, I think I’ve done a lot of damage.
I feel really bad.

I was brought up in a very dysfunctional abusive home. I got married a little older and had plenty of time to think how I would parent differently (lots of positivity and absolutely no hitting) B"H I think I did a decent job though I could've done better especially in certain areas. I really don't blame my parents but I do wish I would've had exposure to certain ideas which are more accessible nowadays. I hope my children IY"H have those opportunities and do a better job than I did.
I don't think you need to carry guilt with you, I think your children should know as adults they can make sure things will be different for their children the tools they need are available to them. Blaming you is only going to impede their ability to take responsibility for the future.

Comptroller

Wed, May 01 2024, 7:43 am

amother OP wrote:

To me.

She is married with 5 kids. KaH
& she stated that when it comes to
PARENTING, & only on the topic of parenting, one can only be a parent with the influence of the parenting they themselves had.
In other words, if I had very poor parenting from my own parents (which I did unfortunately), I myself can only parent in the way they parented me. Unless they get some good therapy or parenting classes.
I however think, a parent can be a good parent intuitively.
But maybe I’m wrong b/c if she’s right, it means I was a very poor parent (not the same as loving or kind ) b/c my own parents were very bad role models to me.

Wondering what others think ….

When my dil yells at her own child of 3 & 1 to stop it (💔) like actually yells, it’s due to her own mother’s lack of parenting skills.

Now, I disageee , however, my dd is in therapy & perhaps that’s what she’s been told by the therapist. She actually is doing well with this therapist & is a wonderful mother. I’m very proud of her

But maybe looking back I was a very bad parent. Sad

"Influence" can mean all kinds of things. It can also mean "never will I do this to my children".
that's what my mother resolved, after a very hard childhood with an abusive mother, and she was a very good mother, all I could hope for was to be as good a mother as she was.

So "influence" might mean that you take the pendulum too far to the other extreme, or that you hit it right, or that you repeat the same errors, or that you do well because you had a good example. that's why I think what your daughter said "one can only be a parent with the influence of the parenting one had" is true, but it is a barnum statement. It can mean anything.

As far as your parenting goes, and your daughter's evaluation of it: give up hope, adult children are never happy with their parents' parenting and will always find fault. They will over-emphasise the "bad" and take the good for granted. I don't know if it's Freud's fault (who blamed mothers/parents for everything) or if it's just human nature. You get your vendetta from your grandchildren who will criticize your children's parenting.

amother

Hosta

Wed, May 01 2024, 7:17 pm

I completely disagree with dd. We all have self-awareness and choice. I brought up my kids completely different than the way my parents parented me., it is intentional and I never went to therapy. You need to have enough self knowledge and determination. You have your own opinions and assessments and do not need a therapist

amother

Wed, May 01 2024, 7:19 pm

I also feel so bad now b/c she is kinda saying I wasn’t good at parenting.
& I don’t think I was.

Ie setting limits, being patient, having consequences. ….
The truth hurts & I feel very bad now.
Like a failure

ittsamother

Wed, May 01 2024, 8:50 pm

First of all, one's own parents are not the be all and end all of one's entire understanding of how to parent. We observe other people all our life, decide we like how this friend's parents behaved and not that one, we like what this neighbor/friend/speaker/mentor/teacher/author is saying and not that one... I never went to therapy and there are definitely huge things I do differently than my parents. I went into marriage KNOWING what I would do the same and what I would do differently. There is a lot I happily took from their parenting and there are, of course, things I choose to do my own way.

Second, don't beat yourself up. As others have said, kids will always grow up to find fault with how they were raised, cuz no one is ever perfect. I'm sure there is plenty you did right, but that will just fade into the background while the wrongs bounce around on top. Most importantly, you can repair. Search Dr. Kennedy's Ted Talk about this, it's so powerful.

ittsamother

Wed, May 01 2024, 8:52 pm

Watch, I think you will really gain from this, especially from shortly before the 12 minute mark, where she discusses what a parent of adults can do.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, May 01 2024, 8:56 pm

Parenting is an art form.

Your mom can be into realistic landscapes and you can be an abstract painter or a portrait painter.

NO, parenting is from deep inside and is very individual.

amother

Jetblack

Wed, May 01 2024, 9:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

The fact that you acknowledge it and thought about it shows you are trying and conscious about this, which is a great start! My mother on the other hand refuses to go to therapy and is not at all aware how her abusive childhood affects her today and the level of dysfunction where she is holding.

amother

Wed, May 01 2024, 9:29 pm

ittsamother wrote:

Watch, I think you will really gain from this, especially from shortly before the 12 minute mark, where she discusses what a parent of adults can do.

That was really good
Thank you

Now that I watched that, I’m wondering about parenting adult children. Anyone can recommend someone to listen to?
Like a podcast ? Or even any classes ?
I’d love to learn more.

amother

Dimgray

Wed, May 01 2024, 9:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

It sounds like you gave her a foundation of love and I think that’s the most important. ❤️❤️❤️
I relate to you although my kids are teens and not even parents yet and it’s so so hard. I beat myself up about it all the time and I’m trying so hard. It’s difficult not to feel defeatist about it. Hugs to you and to myself too.

amother

Wallflower

Wed, May 01 2024, 9:39 pm

I don't think I was a terrible mother but I certainly made mistakes. I often think that my own daughter is a better mother than me. She seems to be more patient than I was and is able to intuitively understand her children's needs when they act up better than I ever did.
But she still loves me and tells me that I'm the best mom ,so.... 🤔

amother

Daylily

Thu, May 02 2024, 7:17 am

amother Sienna wrote:

I don't agree. I parent nothing like my own mother. But yes in some ways your reference point for parenting comes from how you were parented. But that can also mean you would never do certain things because you know how it felt and still affects you as an adult. And it can also mean things that you thought were good you continue doing. And guess what, it can also be that how you were parented could have been fine for you but doesn't work for your family or your kids or one of your kids.

It's not so black and white.

Maybe for your daughter it rings true for her but I don't think it's a blanket rule.

My mother did pretty damaging things and I understand exactly why she is the way she is. I still appreciate her. I know she did her best and loves us and wants the best for us. But I would never do the things that had long term affects on me. I think it only gave me a better understanding on how to be a better mother.

You sound like an amazing mother, daughter and human being. If there were more people like you there wouldn’t be so many broken people around.

amother

Thu, May 02 2024, 7:55 am

amother Wallflower wrote:

Same to everything you said. EXCEPT that I’m the best mom.
I know she appreciates me & loves me so much. But she is a far better parent than me. Parenting is hard, being a mother for me is intuitive. There is a difference

amother

Emerald

Thu, May 02 2024, 8:07 am

I completely don't agree with your dd's therapist.

My mother had an awful childhood (Holocaust survivor was the better parent), with a mother with severe mental illness. My mother made a conscious decision to parent differently and she did. She created "positive parenting" long before it became popular and she was an amazing mother in every way. The only thing she took from her own mother was her dedication to her children and focus on them (the positive)... but her parenting style was completely different.

And I had plenty of opportunity to observe this up close as we lived in the same house as my grandparents (my mother's parents) for many years. And I knew my grandmother AFTER she was diagnosed and on medication, I can't even imagine what she was like before.

I don't think my mother went to therapy (this was over 50 years ago). It definitely can be done, I am living proof.

And it's not instinctive, I wish it was. I wish I were half as good as my mother was.

amother

Holly

Thu, May 02 2024, 8:09 am

I did hear the same from a chinuch role model of mine.
She said that everyone needs parenting classes. Intuition only works to an extent. Everyone has patterns or behaviors that they recognize from childhood and those are their intuition.
Anyone, especially someone with bad parenting, needs parenting classes.

I take this very seriously.

ShishKabob

Thu, May 02 2024, 9:04 am

amother IndianRed wrote:

Just because she said it, doesn't mean its true.
As a parent, that would break my heart 1. watching my kid yell at her kids and 2. then basically blaming it on the parenting she recieved. Her choices are in her hands and she's accountable for herself. If she didn't like the parenting she received, I find it hard to believe she will parent her own kids that way....?

This, blaming your parents is a way of shirking responsibility, so in essence no one in this world is responsible for anything they do because we were all born and raised from someone and it goes up all the way back the human chain.
No, this is not the way we are supposed to think. If we find a place where we see that our parents made mistakes, we are supposed to use our strengths to do better.
This way of thinking is not empowering. We are learning new ways in therapy now that our actions can control our way of thinking and feeling etc. It's old school to dump everything back on our parents.
OP, if you see that there's a place where you can improve your parenting, it's never too late to start, start now and it should be with hatzlocha!

ShishKabob

Thu, May 02 2024, 9:10 am

Just want to add, that Hashem knew what he was doing when he placed you with these parents. It was not a random act of error. We need to grow into the best human beings that we can, in the place where we were put and where we are. It's ok not to be perfect, it's not ok to sit in our past and let it handicap us for the rest of our lives.

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