Sil keeps inviting us

amother

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 10:22 pm

My dh has a very small family. My sister in law keeps inviting us for shabbos and yom tov but I really don't enjoy going for many reasons, and I am unable to host her family. We do go for shabbos a few times a year, and we
see them on weekdays as well. But two day yom tov, or even more frequent shabbosim, would not be enjoyable for me, or for my dh.
But she doesn't get the hint, and keeps asking us to come...
I always make excuses but I wish I wasn't constantly put in this position. Honestly, I avoid calling her because I know she's going to invite us for that shabbos/upcoming yom tov, and I'll be put on the spot to come up with an excuse...
wwyd?

amother

Honeydew

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 10:27 pm

How horrible. Your SIL wants to form a close bond with you and keeps inviting you to her home. If you value being home alone for Shabbos and Yom Tov, more than a relationship with her, just be honest and rip off the bandaid. If you do it once, and are brutally honest, you probably won't need to worry about anymore invites from her or your MIL.

amother

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 10:29 pm

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

This is not a helpful answer. I clearly wrote that we do make effort at the relationship and we see each other on weekdays (when I can travel home afterward) and a few shabbosim a year.

And not that I need to explain anything, but my in laws are elderly and come to us.

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 10:36 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Why dont you enjoy going to her ?

amother

Teal

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 10:41 pm

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

How can you call it horrible when you know nothing about her situation?? She doesn't feel comfortable there. Feelings are feelings, they're not right or wrong. But, maybe if you understood her feelings you'd think they were justified in any case. Maybe the relationship is unhealthy or the environment is toxic. Maybe she's exhausted on yom tov from working full time and, as she noted, hosting her parents in law and going away is just. too. much.

What's ripping off the bandaid about? She's asking for advice on what to say without hurting anyone's feelings.

banana123

Thu, Oct 03 2019, 6:38 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Why do you not want to go? If they found a different apartment for you to sleep in, would that solve the problem? If you found a different apartment for them to sleep in (friends who traveled for Shabbat), would that solve the problem?

Is there another way you can have a relationship which does not involve traveling for Shabbat and which would be more comfortable for you?

amother

Thu, Oct 03 2019, 7:13 am

Thank you everyone for your kind responses.

The reason why I can't just say "we prefer to stay home" is because sometimes we DO go to them (about 2-3 shabbosim a year), for the sake of our relationship.

The reasons why I dislike going (it's a large house, not apartment, so I cannot ask to be put up at neighbors):

My baby does NOT sleep anywhere but her own crib. We rarely go away for shabbos, but for sure two day yomim Tovim are much easier at home.

They are very lax with their parenting, and they don't tell me beforehand if their baby is sick (which is often), which means my baby is at risk to catch something.
Similarly, they allow their kids to eat anything, any time; play, jump and scream at all hours of the night etc- things I am not comfortable with my kids doing (when it hits rock bottom, my sister in law or her husband may start yelling- then my kids get yelled at too).
They have different hilchos shabbos standards than we do, and allow their kids to go swimming on shabbos. It's very very hard for my kids to watch their cousins swim and not be allowed (not to mention it's awkward for me). They also let their kids watch tv, but I don't want my little yeshiva boy watching pre-teen shows with boyfriend-girlfriend etc etc (this goes until just before shabbos and starts immediately after).
They love doing meals with neighbor, but The neighbors' kashrus standards are not up to my standards (for example, I've seen the neighbors driving on shabbos.) I can't exactly tell them "I will only come if we eat all the meals at your house, not your neighbors."

Like I said, we do go a couple times a year, but a two day yom tov is not something I want to do- and it's like we can go once and that's it; the invitations will still keep coming.
I can't invite them here because the parenting standards are way too lax- I don't want to go to sleep and wake up to find chocolate on my walls, crumbs upstairs, etc. which has happened when I used to have them.

amother

Aqua

Thu, Oct 03 2019, 8:09 am

Just say it's too difficult with the kids and packing up for a 2 day YT. It is hard to argue with that.
Regarding the swimming, try to go for shabbos during the winter when it won't be an issue, as I assume it's an outdoor pool.
I think you can discuss kashrus concerns about the neighbors (after all, you obviously eat your sil's food, so it's nothing personal).
As far as the tv stuff, the reality is at some point your kids will hear it anyway whether from a classmate or neighbor. That's just reality. You can't shield them from it especially in the days of iPads and tablets where plenty of kids from very frum families watch stuff now.
The crib thing would be an issue whether it's shabbos or yt, or anywhere you go, so that really isn't the focus here.

amother

Thu, Oct 03 2019, 8:30 am

amother [ Aqua ] wrote:

Thank you for your suggestsions.
Tv: we live in a yeshivish neighborhood (chose that lifestyle), so no, my kids won't be hearing and seeing it.

Re the crib: that would be a problem anywhere which is why I rarely go away (my in laws come to us, I don't go to my family either- we walk for meals but this sister in law is not walking distance).

But yes, I do just blame it on the kids and but hard to pack up and be away from routine...

For my sister in law it's easier if we come because her kids are distracted by mine and easily entertained by mine. But for me it's a three ring circus there, and a lot harder- we are boruch Hashem very happy in our own home and neighborhood for shabbos and yom tov.

amother

Black

Thu, Oct 03 2019, 8:46 am

Sorry- I think it's nice ur sil wants to have a kesher and it's great for kids to be close to cousins. There are lots of ways to address ur concerns, you do sound a bit rigid. Here are some ideas for you:

1. Go in winter when swimming isnt an issue
2. Discuss tv- even if no tv isn't an option, maybe explain u don't like the excessive screen time and could they please choose 1 video to watch Motzei shabbos that is rated g or pg
3. Kashrus- explain u aren't comfortable eating at her neighbors and offer to bring part of the shabbos food
4. Host them- you have house rules of only eating in xyz part of the house, kids play outside instead of destroying ur house or in playroom- everyone cleans up b4 they get shabbos party, etc....

Ps- I have almost exact same issues w some of my family

amother

Thu, Oct 03 2019, 9:00 am

amother [ Black ] wrote:

I am rigid but I am working on myself. but at the end of the day, I am who I am and she is who she is. Doesn't mean I have to extend myself to this extent. When we go to a restaurant together, her kids are screaming, shouting and running around the place, making a scene and an obscene mess. It's embarrassing and I do not want my kids to be a part of it. But guess what? My kids join in the fun. (When we go out to eat on our own, I make it short and sweet so that the kids can sit and eat- then we leave. I do not stand for such behavior.) but I do it anyway once in a while. At least after two hours it's over.

Re winter: so I should decline for an entire half a year- that's not rigid? I should only accept from November - April?

Re inviting them here: no, sorry, I will take care of my own sanity and will not allow my house to be destroyed. They do not listen to house rules. I have stayed the rules nicely many times but they do not listen. I don't want to be a policeman all weekend.

I am doing my part by meeting up during the week + the occasional shabbs. I do not believe any more is needed on my end.

amother

Teal

Thu, Oct 03 2019, 9:03 am

amother [ Black ] wrote:

She's really not obligated to jump through hoops to make it work when she'd prefer to stay home. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to make it work or preferring to stay in one's own home for shabbos or yt.

OP, the simple truth is that you prefer to stay home. The fact that you go a few times a year is amazing and doesn't change that. If SiL invites you and you say you prefer to stay home, and she argues and says, But, you do come sometimes! You can say, yes, and we really appreciate the invitation but we do prefer to stay home, in general / most of the time.

I would say don't get into reasons, because even if SIL would solve the issues of tv, swimming and neighbors' kashrus, there's still the issue of lack of discipline, chaos, no sleep schedule, etc. And those issues aren't going to change.

amother

Thu, Oct 03 2019, 9:13 am

amother [ Teal ] wrote:

This is an excellent idea.

I was overthinking. Stating the simple truth really is the best way!

Btw to the poster who said I am rigid- my sister in law actually takes advantage of my rigid (and responsible) personality by disappearing for an hour and leaving me awake and alone with her 5 little kids in her house! Without even telling me beforehand.