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Is this rude?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 10:23 pm
I have a family member that is often a shabbos guest. She spends most of her free time (non seudah) reading or sleeping or in shul, with barely any time spent shmoozing with me, her hostess.
I find it to be a little rude- am I crazy?
(Obviously I will keep my observations to myself.)
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Stars




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 10:25 pm
Is it your dil?
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Hashem_n_Farfel




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 10:25 pm
I don’t think it’s rude
Maybe she’s shy
Or doesn’t feel comfy talking to people. I’m the same way
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amother




Navy
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 10:26 pm
Is it ideal guest behavior? Not really. But I would assume she has a good reason for her behavior. Most people are really doing the best they can given their life circumstances.
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Stars




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 10:27 pm
I'm not sure if it is or isn't but if you're not going to say anything anyway why does it matter? Try your best to be welcoming and be dklz.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 10:28 pm
Stars wrote:
Is it your dil?


Lol
No. Sister.
She's not shy. She's extremely talkative in general to her friends and other family members. (And if she had a problem with me specifically, why would she choose to come to me for shabbos? I don't think that's it.)
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amother




Wine
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 10:31 pm
What would happen if you start schmoozing with her? It sounds like she isn’t the type to initiate a conversation and you want her to be. Perhaps she is trying to stay out of your way and feels bad that she is imposing by being there all shabbos.
For many years I was single and often a guest. After the meal I didn’t think it was wrong of me to want to go to sleep. I had no kids to look after of my own and I was tired from the whole week. I spoke to the hostess (my friends) and interacted with their kids but I spent time alone too. It’s hard being a guest and I didn’t want to be on top of them the whole time.
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amother




Green
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 10:34 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Lol
No. Sister.
She's not shy. She's extremely talkative in general to her friends and other family members. (And if she had a problem with me specifically, why would she choose to come to me for shabbos? I don't think that's it.)


This is somewhat normal behavior of single girls to basically be sleeping through shabbos. I wouldn't take it personally if my sister would do this.
If you start shmoozing with her does she just run off?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 10:35 pm
amother [ Wine ] wrote:
What would happen if you start schmoozing with her? It sounds like she isn’t the type to initiate a conversation and you want her to be. Perhaps she is trying to stay out of your way and feels bad that she is imposing by being there all shabbos.
For many years I was single and often a guest. After the meal I didn’t think it was wrong of me to want to go to sleep. I had no kids to look after of my own and I was tired from the whole week. I spoke to the hostess (my friends) and interacted with their kids but I spent time alone too. It’s hard being a guest and I didn’t want to be on top of them the whole time.


I don't want to intrude on her reading. She naps and then wakes up and reads on the couch.

I don't need things to change, I was just curious if it was rude or not.
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amother




Brunette
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 10:36 pm
Just curious, how old is she? Like, closer to her teens/early 20s? Or more like 30s? Is there a big age gap between you two (like you were out of the house by the time she was a teen)?. These may play a role.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 10:37 pm
amother [ Brunette ] wrote:
Just curious, how old is she? Like, closer to her teens/early 20s? Or more like 30s? Is there a big age gap between you two (like you were out of the house by the time she was a teen)?. These may play a role.


3 year gap, in her mid twenties.
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amother




Brunette
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 10:41 pm
Ok, not so weird at that age. She probably does enough socializing during the week that she craves quiet time on the weekend. Technically it may be a bit rude but I wouldn't get bent out of shape. Eventually she will grow up a bit and learn to do more of a give and take.
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lkwdlady




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 10:41 pm
Sounds like she just needs a place to be for shabbos and feels comfortable by you to do whatever she wants...
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amother




Burgundy
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 10:42 pm
I'd think she feels at home at your home. Wouldn't she have do the same at your parents house?
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amother




Amethyst
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 10:46 pm
Why dont you ask her? Discuss your feelings about it . That's the best thing to do this way u get ur Understandings without guessing or any hard feelings. Communication is the way to go!
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amother




Lemon
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 10:47 pm
Don’t think it’s rude. Shabbat is time for downtime. Maybe she wanted to be with her thoughts. I was by my sister few week backs and was a particularly stressful week, while our husbands were shmoozing I stayed in my room reading a book or trying to nap. Not trying to be rude to my sister I just didn’t have the head to participate in a conversation.
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happy to be me




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 11:29 pm
She might be trying not to overwhelm you as a hostess and doesn't want to take more time than you are already giving.
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amother




Lime
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 11:32 pm
I used to sleep a lot in my mil house, and she would pride herself (I never told her the truth) that I sleep so much and shes happy how rested I am... little did she know that I have a thing, I cant sleep in other ppls bed, I would toss and turn all night long until sleep finally overcame me! after my baby I discharge myself asap, I stay home...and hate vacations! So maybe your sister has same issue and she doesnt wanna embarrass you or hurt you by revealing it....
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amother




Cobalt
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 11:49 pm
Does she live near you and not your parents? Possibly because of school? It really does sound like you are her local Shabbos home base. If she's there enough, maybe give her a not-too-demanding job that would involve you guys being able to talk. Like washing and drying dishes after Shabbos, or clearing the table, etx. She may feel better about contributing, too.
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Mon, Jan 27 2020, 12:00 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I don't want to intrude on her reading. She naps and then wakes up and reads on the couch.

I don't need things to change, I was just curious if it was rude or not.


Um shes your sister. she doesnt need to be spending her time being polite making small talk. the fact that she sleeps and reads shows that shes comfortable with you. the fact that you think its rude shows that your not so comfortable with her and you view her as a guest.
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