Thinking how to respond to this

amother

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 1:38 am

Ds 12 has mentioned to me over and over that it bothers him that I dont work. why only daddy works and not mom. I told him that mommies are meant to stay home to cook , take care of the house ect. and fathers really have more the responsibility of bringing in money . I said that yes some moms do help out , but it's ok if moms dont work . Ds thinks it's more of a looked down thing . He wishes I worked .

What would you have responded?

DrMom

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 1:47 am

I think your answer was sexist, and I think your son's question was strange coming from someone as old as 12.

Why should it bother him? Did he say why he is concerned?
Are there no other SAHMs in your community?

You can tell him that this is how you feel it is best to care for your family, and B"H you can afford to do this.

Jewishmom8

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 1:51 am

It is so funny.
Kids whos mom work outside the home, the kids complain.
Moms who dont "work" outside the home the kids complain.
I work from home and guess what? my kids complain!
The rule is you cant win.
The response is" that is what is good for our family right now."

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 1:55 am

What's behind his comments? Is he worried about finances? Does he wish he could brag about your accomplishments? Does he want more unsupervised time? Does he feel uncomfortable with being different from his friends? Does he know a mother who doesn't work because she's sick and so he's concerned about you?

He a big boy. Talk it out.

(Edited typos)

bigsis144

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 1:58 am

I wouldn’t give any “mommies are meant to” generalizations. It’s not true and yeah, it’s kinda sexist.

I would explain that different families do different things, with the parents finding what arrangement works best for them.

Did he give any reasoning as to why he’d be bothered by this?
Does he feel like if you worked there would be more money to buy him things?
Does he just feel like the “odd one out” because all of his friends have working mothers? Teenagers will get hung up on the stupidest things that make them feel “not normal”, or have strangely selective memories that don’t align with actual statistical truths.

amother

Seagreen

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 2:08 am

As others said - the question is why did he ask?

In my community in Israel, there are absolutely no SAHMs. It's just not done long term (not talking about moms who stay home for 6-12 months after a baby). So yes, if I had been a SAHM I could imagine it might have been odd for my kids, and they might have felt uncomfortable explaining it to their friends.

Or does he feel that his financial situation is not as good as his peers, and if only you worked he would live in a better house/have more spending money?

At this age, it's mainly about the peers. I would first ask why he thinks it's strange, and why he wants you to work, and then take it from there.

amother

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 2:20 am

I think it's more that he feels bad for my husband that he works so hard and then he sees my husband give me money for what I need , and it makes him think wow totty works so hard and then mommy gets to spend money . "No I'm not a big spender at all" I only spend for quality worthy things, but mostly I'm home and dont like to spend much . But he sees my dh gives me money for cleaning help or vacation, whatever it is. he is the type of kid to think that if you need this and that go work. That's how his mindset works. He is always ontop of wanting to make sure we dont spend for nothing. I know it's not his place to mix in with our financial, or how we spend. Just he is always worried... dont know why. How can I explain this to him that it's not his place to mix in about this?

amother

Seagreen

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 2:27 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think it's more that he feels bad for my husband that he works so hard and then he sees my husband give me money for what I need , and it makes him think wow tatty works so hard and then mommy gets to spend money . "No I'm not a big spender at all" I only spend for quality worthy things, but mostly I'm home and dont like to spend much . But he sees my dh gives me money for cleaning help or vacation, whatever it is. he is the type of kid to think that if you need this and that go work. That's how his mindset works. He is always ontop of wanting to make sure we dont spend for nothing. I know it's not his place to mix in with our financial, or how we spend. Just he is always worried... dont know why. How can I explain this to him that it's not his place to mix in about this?

Others will probably have good advice for you on how to explain to him that this is not his concern.

One thing I would change - I wouldn't have your dh 'give' you money, certainly not in front of him. It reinforces the idea that the money is dh's. I would make sure you have equal access to the account, and that you can take out your own money/have your own online way of using money. Obviously you can sit with dh and work out a budget beforehand.

I think actually transferring money from dh to you, in front of him, and the way you say 'dh gives you money' - reinforces that you are not an equal partner in the financial set up.

DrMom

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 3:06 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Moishe, this is how Totty and I decided to manage our household. You are well cared for and not going hungry, so why are you worried?

B"H, one day you will get married and you and your kallah will decide how to arrange your own household expenses. You'll decide together what works for the two of you, just as Totty and I decided what works for us.

amother

Silver

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 3:16 am

"Moishe, I would love to work! But Totty and I decided that it was more important for me to stay at home and look after our house and family, and we are all very lucky that Totty earns enough money for that to happen. Here is a list of all the things I do. If you agree to do all of them, then I will start looking for a job tomorrow!"

amother

Seagreen

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 3:25 am

amother [ Silver ] wrote:

I don't think this is a great answer, because it implies that working is the best ultimately.

Maybe the op would NOT love to work, regardless.

But yes, it would make the boy appreciate what his mother does. The problem is that kids that age will say, but all my friends' moms do all that and work anyway.

kalsee

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 3:25 am

amother [ Silver ] wrote:

"~~Moishe, I would love to work!~~ But Totty and I decided that it was more important for me to stay at home and look after our house and family, and we are all very lucky that Totty earns enough money for that to happen. ~~Here is a list of all the things I do. If you agree to do all of them, then I will start looking for a job tomorrow!~~"

Fixed it for you. So unnecessary. Don't put that on your kids.
the other sentences are perfectly fine.

amother

Burlywood

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 3:31 am

It's so interesting because I'm a stay-at-home mom and my kids want to do exactly that! They see me go shopping. I'm the one that has a credit card and gives my husband money when he needs it. and my kids are much older but still they see that it's great that I have time for them and I'm able to do everything at home. Yes my husband works very hard and I appreciate that.but if I had to ask him for money that might totally change the situation of what my kids see and how I feel.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 5:11 am

When DD was about 7 or 8, her best friend came over to play. The girl told me "I wish you would adopt me."

This girl lives in a huge, beautifully restored Victorian house, with her own playroom, every American Girl doll you can imagine (weekly shopping trips to the store!), and even has a grand piano in the living room. Both of her parents work long hours, and she has a nanny take her to all of her after school activities. Horseback riding, art, ballet, violin, and basketball.

I asked her why she wanted me to adopt her, and she said "Because you are home when DD gets off the bus, and you bake cookies with us, and you do art projects with us.

I told her that her parents were good people, and that the loved her and were doing what was right for their family. Then I hugged her and told her she could come over any time she wants.

imasinger

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 6:37 am

Reminds me of that meme that went around a while ago.

But the conversation I'd want to have to that question would be something like, "It sounds like you're concerned I'm not being fair to Totty and am taking advantage of his hard work. Why would you think that? Totty and I are a team, and we decided together that my staying home and his working would be the best for our family. Are you worried that when you're an adult, that would be too much pressure? Iy"H, when you're married, you and your wife will think about what's right for your family.". Then, maybe show him this:

amother

Seagreen

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 6:58 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

That's really sweet.
There is a difference though between the world view of a kid at 7 and that of a kid at 12. A kid at 12 often doesn't think it's that important for mom to be home when he gets home (lots of preteens would rather have their own space) and bases his values on what he sees in peers' homes.

amother

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 8:46 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

I will add that this son gets very upset if I'm not home when he gets home after a whole day being out . He always makes sure before he leaves that I should wait for him though. sometimes even I'm a stay at home mom, I got some errands to do so I'm afew minutes late . not often does it happen, but I cant say never .
Hes just busy saying that totty works, if you want extra's then go work and help out ... he is a very very soft hearted kid . Also he feels very bad to spend money. Even when it comes to buy him things for example shoes , if his shoes are torn he would push it and push it until he cannot walk with it anymore . I dont know if its OCD , or it's just his nature .

imasinger

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 9:40 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Maybe you and DH should sit down together with him?

Someone (like Totty) should be telling him it's not kibud eim to say such things to you. And that the two of you as a team decide on family income and expenses, just as it's not right for him to comment on how his parents spend money, it is right for him to tell you ASAP when his clothing or shoes are wearing out.

It might be a little soon to assume OCD, but if there's a compulsive, repetitive aspect to his comments, it might be worth looking further into.