Update p7: To all those who are jealous of me

amother

Olive

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 8:29 am

please lets not conflate issues
confusing enough
frugal does not mean having your wife have to account to you for every penny she spends

people can certainly make a budget
that is a whole other story
and if one has a fear of poverty and the like that can be addressed therapeutically with a professional/marriage counselor

good luck op

wishing you clarity and strength and better times ahead

mig100

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 9:17 am

op- I can relate to your struggles. I know people who are like this too well. people who no matter how much they earn, even if they would win the lottery, would stress and need to account forevery penny spent.

Most of the practical solutions mentioned probably wont help. Its not a logical rational need.

just curious- did your husband grow up poor? sometimes it stems from that. People who grow up really deprived can have an impossible time letting go of the need to be cautious with every penny.

amother

Silver

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 9:18 am

amother [ Lightgray ] wrote:

Does his income go into his own account also?
How do you split tuition, mortgage, kids clothing, kid’s food. Do you each pay for your own food? Does he also spend his income freely?
This sounds so confusing.

Dh paid for everything while I was a SAHM. Dhs biggest complaint was that I was a "big spender". So I agreed to pay for the grocery, Amazon and clothing purchases with my work money. Dh doesn't complain anymore and I dont ask what he does with the "saved" money.

PinkFridge

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 9:24 am

Rappel wrote:

The way I read it, she didn't want the headache of going over the expenses afterward with her husband and justifying it. So it was more worth it to her to order the drink.

Maybe they need to work on their communication so finances aren't so guilt-ridden. But being financially intelligent is a positive, and I don't think there's enough evidence to indicate her husband is a financial abuser, as many in this thread have declared.

There's not enough evidence to say that this marriage is over. They might be able to get help. But I think there's something that needs to be said. Being careful and living below one's means is important. But for wealthy people, living below their means might still be well above mine and there's nothing wrong with that higher baseline. OP should have more breathing space than many if not most of us here, from what she's describing. And the way OP describes it, that kind of communication doesn't seem possible.

Hugs, OP, and I hope that things turn around. It must not be easy to live in a gilded cage. Gilded but still a cage.

amother

Lilac

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 9:30 am

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

I’ve had to do the same, but the difference was I had to beg for the money and was told “no” many times, even a small amount like $5. The excuse always was that he didn’t have the money. I got myself a job and I told him that it will be directly deposited into my account and I will use it as I see fit. If he wants me to contribute to the household income then he needs me to be able to withdraw funds from our shared account . I can’t describe the freedom I feel in comparison to those days that I allowed him to dictate whether I could replace my underpants that were fully of holes and tights that had runs.
Unfortunately in situations like these we can’t act like the perfect eishes chayil. We need to stand up for ourselves too and respect ourselves. This is a very sore subject for me because I’ve lived it.
And it always came along with the comments from him that I can’t complain. I don’t know how much I have to be grateful for that he’s such a good DH compared to all the garbage out there.

You standing up for yourself is being eishes chayil. An eishes chayil does not mean a doormat. You did the right thing for yourself and for your marriage. Please don't feel guilty.

amother

Hunter

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 10:04 am

I feel your pain it doesn't sound pleasant. Please get yourself a good therapist that can teach you self confidence. Please open your own account and put away a little bit each month your husband doesn't have to know about it or you can tell him about it and let him know that each month your putting away x amount to be used however you see fit he doesn't have to like it he can curse you out but that's his issue. Whenever he says something not nice or controlling just say sorry you feel that way or you understand his concerns however this is what you need to do to take care of yourself so you can be a good wife, mother, person etc.

amother

Cadetblue

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 10:25 am

Having grown up with a dad like that I know how it hurts the children... and Bh I’m out. But every time I see my mom still stuck like that it hurts me so... even more now that I’m out and see things clearer

Hugs op

amother

Sunflower

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 10:32 am

chanchy123 wrote:

She said she has to spend like a poor person even though she is well off because her husband will not accept her spending according to her actual income. Even though she is well off she couldn’t buy a 40$ item of clothing or food when out with friends because her husband would not accept that these are justified expenses.
OP sounds like she SHE thinks her DH is a financial abuser, but for reasons that we do not know she doesn’t want to divorce or feels she cannot divorce.
If this were just prudent finances, she would not be so frustrated and her coworkers (who presumably make similar salaries) would not be surprised that she spends so much less than they do.

Maybe. That was my initial reaction as well.

But maybe she is naturally a spender and would massively overspend were it not for her husband keeping her in check. We don't know.

amother

Sunflower

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 10:33 am

amother [ Stone ] wrote:

Wow, I could have written almost all of this. But for me when I started earning money, the abuse escalated a lot. Seems he had the need to control and if he couldn't control financially then he started doing this in other ways, including trying really hard and in a vicious way to sabotage my potential for earning money.

I guess OP needs to find out if he's just frugal by nature which is bad, or if he has a need to control which is even worse I think.

Frugal by nature is a good thing.

amother

Charcoal

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 10:38 am

Wow. Just wow. OP specifically stated that this is a vent and that no one should say he's a control freak or that she should divorce him, but looks like some mothers just couldn't keep that bit of "wise advice" to themselves.
OP, sorry you're struggling like that. All I can do is send you hugs and thank you for the perspective! Hope things get better for you!

amother

DarkOrange

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 10:43 am

PinkFridge wrote:

Yes. But wealthy people's frugal doesn't need to be mine.

In our very wealthy family, frugal means my grandparents not allowing their children to pay the 25 cents for their school supplies. Getting 1 dollar to share for afikoman for 15 children. I inherited this wonderful personality trait. My husband inherited it but only when it comes to everyone else.
Very Happy

Chayalle

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 10:54 am

Frugal and stingy are two different things.

My DH is frugal on his own self, but he doesn't get involved in my expenditures for myself and the kids (and is glad that we dress normally, run a normal household, etc...even if he personally doesn't need alot.)

ShishKabob

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 10:57 am

amother [ Sunflower ] wrote:

But maybe she is naturally a spender and would massively overspend were it not for her husband keeping her in check. We don't know.

This was my thought process as well.
Hugs op, whatever you're going through, however you slice it, is painful.
Wishing you lots of hatzlocha!

amother

Cantaloupe

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 11:01 am

I used to have similar but not to this extent. Also I was a SAHM and wasn’t earning anything. If I was and he was trying to control what I earned I’d be livid.
Part of it was me not feeling entitled to spend and feeling guilty when I did which fed his obsession.
He knows he has this problem and it runs in his family but I was enabling it by not realizing I had an equal right to spend on what we needed.
It’s taken me years but slowly I adjusted to the income we actually have and to not counting every penny. The less guilty I feel the less he complains. I just say matter of factor “yes I/the kids needed this”.
He still goes over the CC statement every month and sighs about the bills I just don’t take it so personally anymore.

amother

Candycane

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 11:52 am

amother [ Stone ] wrote:

I guess OP needs to find out if he's just frugal by nature which is bad, or if he has a need to control which is even worse I think.

I think this is the most important question, except I would replace "frugal" with "anxious about money." I have multiple family members who have a lot of anxiety about money and it can lead them to behave in controlling ways in this one area, but they are not controlling in general. It is just a deep anxiety specifically about money. It can also be very detrimental to relationships, but such people are not inherently abusive or controlling. They're not using money as a means to achieve power or control over a spouse. I think it's usually much easier to work something out with a person who is deeply anxious about money than an inherently controlling person who is using money as a powerful tool to maintain control.