Best way to approach this

amother

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 12:13 pm

I took my child’s tablet to turn on music and realized they have been texting someone from it.

1. The relationship itself is not a problem. I can’t go in to details, I don’t want to out myself. But it’s someone they anyways talk to several times a week.

2. I disabled messaging on their own tablet so they were using a siblings tablet which I forgot to disable.

3. Please don’t comment on the fact that they have tablets. I’m not asking for opinions on the matter or for you to tell me how bad it is.

I just want to know how to approach this. Disabling messages without talking to them and let them discover it on their own is not an option. It will sting. I remember that feeling clearly when I was growing up. Not being told or communicated before something was taken etc.

Is it ok for an 11 year old to text? It’s an apple device so they can only text people with Apple devices which would include me.

How should I speak to them about it? They did it behind my back. I think that’s the issue I need to address most?

Please help me do this in the best way possible. I don’t want to jump the gun and cause damage.

Thank you in advance for being compassionate and thank you for not bringing up what I asked not to.

Signed,

A mother who was raised in a very abusive and dysfunctional home and wants to do differently but doesn’t know how.

amother

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 12:23 pm

Thank you both for your input.

The reason why I stopped myself from reacting right away is because I end up regretting making an issue out of nothing. I don’t have to say no to everything like my mother did.

How should I approach them and communicate not to do anything behind my back?

amother

Vanilla

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 12:29 pm

When I was 11 I had a messaging app that I could text my friends with

To be honest, she might just find another way to message. It’s normal to message your friends at that age, it’s like calling on the phone

I knew a girl in highschool who’s parents didn’t allow any phones or electronics at all but she kept a secret one… so kids/teens always find a way if they really want

But if you really want to enforce this rule just tell her nicely you don’t allow texting and disable it

teachkids

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 12:29 pm

Why are they texting the person? Is it someone like a cousin they don’t get to speak to otherwise? Is it their bff from school? Is it a stranger? We need more context why they have a tablet but aren’t allowed to text also. IMO texting people they have existing relationships with us one of the safer uses of a tablet. I know you don’t want to share too much, but you may need to ask someone you are comfortable giving the whole picture to.

amother

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 12:30 pm

amother Vanilla wrote:

It’s even a closer relationship than a friend.

I’m so torn.

I also had a phone behind my parents back. I was too restricted in other areas. She isn’t.

amother

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 12:32 pm

teachkids wrote:

It’s a biological parent. I remarried and we moved to a different town.

They are allowed to call whenever their heart desires. Reason 1 why they have a tablet - they video call.

I also allow them to watch toveedo and yidflicks. So they watch and call bio parent.

amother

Vanilla

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 12:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think texting a biological parent shouldn’t be punished or taken away, especially with the younger generation texting is more common and preferable

amother

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 12:38 pm

amother Vanilla wrote:

I think texting a biological parent shouldn’t be punished or taken away, especially with the younger generation texting is more common and preferable

Conflicted about allowing it. I stopped it once (they talk almost every day. Sometimes for an hour or so) but started again from a different device.

More importantly, I want them to come and ask me “I really want to text”….

amother

NeonYellow

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 12:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

In my circles 11 is too young to text but due to the nature of the relationship it may be beneficial to allow it.

If she has access to a device that is texting enabled, then you can't blame her or be upset at her that she texts. If you don't want her to text, then the responsibility is on you to not give her access to devices with texting.

amother

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 12:41 pm

amother NeonYellow wrote:

I’m not blaming nor am I upset at anyone. If you read my OP you’ll see I stated that I disabled her device but overlooked a second device.

amother

Lotus

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 12:41 pm

My neighbor gave me advice to let my daughter use the phone as much as she wants.
I did and I got fed up with it. She was so addicted. So I got rid of my smartphone, then I got a video machine where she can o ly watch videos. I would get videos from the library. She watched around 3 hours a night
Her hand would have tics from watching so much. I took the video player to work with me so she wouldn't have access to it anymore. It was hard for her but she's not addicted now. So I got a smartphone again and she's not addicted anymore. But it was a hard process for her.

amother

Pansy

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 12:41 pm

If you have a rule she probably doesn't think there's any point in asking, and her only way to do is to go behind your back. That's usually how an 11 year old brain works. But you can tell her that if there's any rule that she's having a hard time with, she can talk to you about it and you'll try to figure out a way to make everyone happy if possible.

amother

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 12:43 pm

amother Pansy wrote:

That’s really helpful! Thank you! Like using my phone here n there to text…

But in general to open the conversation with “having a hard time with a rule then we can discuss”