How should I approach this?

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 12:15 am

I have been allowing ds age 10 to walk a block and go ride his bike in the park. I don't love it, but he's really bored at home, the exercise is great for him and he usually doesn't express interest in physical activity, so when he showed interest in doing this I allowed it . I tell him a time he has to come back to check in (usually about 45 minutes later) and he has been extremely responsible about coming back at that time. Ive been complimenting him on how responsible he is being, noticing the time and coming back when told to.

Today I was doing laundry and found receipts of purchases he's made the last bunch of times I gave him permission to go to the park (to a grocery about 2 blocks away - a block further then the park). It's usually for a big danish and Snapple or a big chocolate bar and a soda somtimes also a snack bag as well.
(Not sure if this is applicable but he's very overweight. We don't deprive him at home though or comment on his weight and etc....
Just writing this bec maybe subconsciously this is bothering me more bec of that? Although I also wouldn't love if my other ds (who's 2 yrs old then him) would do this every day just bec I don't think it's so healthy....)

Just wondering what's the best way to approach this?
My first thought is to tell him he can't go out to the park since I can't trust him.
It's also a punishment for me though bec he's so bored at home.... But I know even if he says he won't do it again he likely will (he'll do anything for cake and candy, has a hard time controlling himself) and likely then will feel even more guilty and bad about himself since we spoke about it ...

So unsure - is it better to not allowed him to go again? Or better to just ignore it and allow him to keep buying stuff (he has spending money bec he helps a neighbor with something so has the ability to do so)

amother

Blueberry

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 12:35 am

Perhaps talk to him about saving up money for a long term goal such as a micro scooter or whatever he wants and only spending once a week in the grocery.

amother

Pink

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 12:36 am

I don’t know if I’m correct but wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. I would either say very casually that you found the receipt when you were doing laundry and you don’t mind. If he is going to get a drink or snack he should just tell you that he’s bringing money to stop for a snack so you will know where he is if he’s not in the park for safety reasons….
Or ignore it

camp123

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 12:44 am

I think I should sit him down and talk to him about healthy eating and the addictive nature of food. Tell him you don't like what he is doing, and simply bc you love him and want him to be healthy, he should think himself if its a good idea to do this too often. Maybe suggest he goes once a week or once every two weeks to buy himself something, think about other things you can suggest he saves his money for. Maybe you can add something to his money if he saves a certain amount so he can buy something more worthwhile. I wouldn't stop him going to the park, he'll find some other ways to buy what he wants if you try to stop him. You need to be on his team so he knows he can tell you what he's doing, it's his challenge, you can't control it, you can only help him defeat it, obviously at no point mention his weight.

SG18

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 4:13 am

I would start giving him a snack to bring to the park. Cut up fruit in a container (takes a minute to prep) or other health snack, with a bottle of water. It makes sense that he'd get hungry/thirsty going to the park for almost an hour.
You can explain that it's cheaper/better to bring something from home instead of spending his money (I always bring our own water/snacks instead of buying when we go out because of this), or not.

amother

Lightpink

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 4:40 am

Please don't punish him. He'll just learn to cover his tracks better and throw out the receipts. My question to you is where does he have money from? Spending a few dollars a day can add up to a lot for a 10 year old. He's experiencing a new found freedom and you need to develop a relationship with him so that you can trust him and he can trust you. I would wait a couple of days (and maybe collect a few more receipts) just to a get a very good idea of how much he's spending. Then sit down with him and tell him that you see he's so responsible and you're going to start giving him x amount of money per week. Ask him what his favourite snacks and drinks are. Ask him if he'd be willing to try anything healthier - but don't push him. 10 year olds aren't interested in eating what you want them to - they want to eat what they like. Give him enough for let's say twice a week to get a nosh and drink - and then give him a SHORT shopping list of other things you need him to get. That way he will really be helping and building his confidence.

Shopmiami49

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 4:55 am

I wouldn't focus on the food piece at all. I would focus on the trust piece. You had an arrangement with him that he can go up to a certain point and he is breaking that trust by going a block further. That's the part that needs fixing. Have a discussion with him and ask him for his input of how the situation can be remedied , etx

amother

Teal

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 5:02 am

I’d say that a friend told me she saw him at the bakery. Otherwise he’ll just cover his tracks better.
I wouldn’t accuse, just explain why this isn’t good for him, and that sneaking is never the right way

salt

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 5:55 am

Could it be that he's going with friends?
It doesn't make it better, just the peer pressure would make it harder to say no, even though he knows he shouldn't be doing it.

amother

Clear

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 9:18 am

I agree not to mention the receipts and focus on the safety aspect.
Mention someone saw him on the grocery on his own and that's further than you allow.

amother

Daphne

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 9:34 am

I know you said you don't restrict his food but when I was an overweight kid sneaking around to buy food, it absolutely was coming from restriction. Are some foods "just for Shabbos"? Do you never buy certain foods he loves? Do you say things like "some foods are always foods and some foods are sometimes foods"?

amother

Honey

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 9:40 am

amother Daphne wrote:

I disagree. Some kids crave junk and candy and will always look for it, no matter how much they get at home. It's never enough.

4geesmom

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 9:46 am

I wouldn't focus on the what he is buying, just the general fact that he's going to the grocery or anyplace that wasn't previously discussed. is it more of a trust issue with him going to the grocery for you? or the fact that he is buying these things?
you need to see within yourself that if the receipt would have said water and an apple if it would have been bothering you as much. That is how you can see for yourself, before you even talk to him what the issue for YOU is.

flowerpower

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 9:50 am

In my opinion kids this age are impulsive and have little sense of reality. You can tell him that you heard kids like to stop into groceries/bakeries when bike riding. You will let him do it as well but he can buy a danish or whatever it is 2x a week. The other times he should go straight to the park. This way he won’t buy one every day yet won’t be deprived nor go behind your back again

amother

Seablue

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 10:35 am

Don’t tell him that a friend saw him at the store- he could be giving money to a friend who is bringing him back the receipt to pay it back. That would make you into the one telling a lie, and he wouldn’t trust you.

I’d ask about the receipts and find out from him what he says is going on- then approach it from there. Between trust, money management, and health, there’s a lot to discuss. Focus on making wise choices, but don’t make the conversation too long or too big- he should know that you care to make him more responsible and independent. He can’t risk becoming untrustworthy. (This is all about cause and effect.)

cbs880

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 4:40 pm

suggestion: why dont you send him off to the park, then head directly to the grocery store where he has been buying things, and wait around until he shows up. It may take a while, but seeing you there will directly bring the matter to his attention, and give you an opportunity to discuss it...

amother

Springgreen

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 12:21 am

He might not even realize that he is doing something you don’t approve of. I would start by sitting him down , ask him how his bike riding is going , where he goes, what he does, etc. maybe he will tell it to you himself. If not , say I just realized you’ve been going to the grocery and maybe you didn’t realize it, but I’m really not comfortable with it and would prefer that you stick with going only up until block x. Ask him if he can stick with that rule in the future. Maybe offer that he take a drink and snack with him from home. And see how that goes.

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