Best way to approach this

amother

Vanilla

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 3:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

Conflicted about allowing it. I stopped it once (they talk almost every day. Sometimes for an hour or so) but started again from a different device.

More importantly, I want them to come and ask me “I really want to text”….

Okay I understand that. But the reality is, many kids/teens don’t do that, we can’t control how they’ll behave.

You could let her know that’s what you want from her, and she may or may not do that in the future

I also have no idea what the situation with their biological parent is, but at the end of the day it’s their parent and they want a relationship with them (especially if they live far apart and can’t actually see each other in person)

amother

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 3:47 pm

amother Vanilla wrote:

They have an amazing relationship that I constantly encourage. They see each other often and like I stated above talk via video non stop. Stopping text won’t have an effect on the relationship.

amother

Vanilla

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 3:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

I guess my reaction to finding out they did something behind my back is extreme?

That’s great they have a good relationship then

I think your child messaging her biological parent shouldn’t be anything too concerned about. Overall it’s not a big deal, and I suspect that they just assumed messaging was okay if she found out she could do it on that tablet

If I was 11 years old again and if messaging was banned in my household, and I used a tablet and found out I could message, I would just assume my parents allowed it for whatever reason and would use it without bringing it up to anybody

teachkids

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 4:00 pm

I would sit the kid down “you know our rule is no texting, and I’m disappointed you went behind my back. At the same time I understand you wanted to talk to daddy. Do you think that if I unblock texting on your device I can trust you to only text daddy and no one else? Let’s do it on a trial basis and I reserve the right to change it if it’s not working.”

I don’t think it’s fair to tell the kid she can’t text her father assuming it’s a healthy relationship.

amother

SandyBrown

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 10:42 pm

In my community kids are not allowed to text but the technology is limited in ways to limit the possibility.
Kids are only allowed kosher phones that don't have access to texting. And computers and laptops are only allowed in unlocked rooms usually only allowed in a public room. Even if it means for someone with a no family room to keep it in their kitchen or dining room. Family computers are also more likely to be desktop. Parents would have a separate laptop or iPad for work.

I don't know what you want to allow or not allow but Jason she gets older and becomes more technology savvy she could learn how to go around passwords. Make sure you have good protection and also teach her how to safely use technology.

amother

Amber

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 10:59 pm

Our rule for kids that age is that messaging takes place on Google Hangouts/Chat, through their gmail account. This allows them to message through any device, and they are required to be signed in on my phone too. It means I can supervise as needed. I agree that I won't constantly be reading, but I do check in periodically.

amother

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 11:21 pm

sequoia wrote:

Yeah, but this is her dad.

So is the about her dad or about the boundaries in our home and or that she did it behind my back?

scintilla

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 11:23 pm

teachkids wrote:

I like this a lot. I wonder if there's a way to be able to limit the texting to only the parent, also some people enjoy communicating through the written word and it is good for their relationship.

amother

Hyssop

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 11:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

So is the about her dad or about the boundaries in our home and or that she did it behind my back?

Are you feeling triggered because it’s your ex? I think you should let her text with her dad.

amother

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 11:59 pm

scintilla wrote:

I like this a lot. I wonder if there's a way to be able to limit the texting to only the parent, also some people enjoy communicating through the written word and it is good for their relationship.

I wrote myself down what scintila wrote and maybe I’ll consider allowing her to text just him.

Maybe that will help with her not having the need to hide and be more open.

She’s very open and communicative in general. She just has a hard time following rules - I guess that’s age appropriate.

amother

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 12:00 am

amother Hyssop wrote:

Are you feeling triggered because it’s your ex? I think you should let her text with her dad.

Not triggered in the slightest bit. Thanks for your input tho.

CPenzias

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 12:20 am

amother OP wrote:

I would love if next time they want to do something like that they should come and speak to me first.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying this. Also, I'm wondering if there's any way that you can choose who they can text? My bil who has down syndrome was given a phone and was only able to call 5 numbers.

teachkids

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 12:25 pm

CPenzias wrote:

If OP wants to tell us what kind of device her child has / what app they're using for texting I can look into it for her.

amother

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 1:14 pm

teachkids wrote:

If OP wants to tell us what kind of device her child has / what app they're using for texting I can look into it for her.

iPad
Regular sms.

She can only text Apple devices.

teachkids

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 3:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

iPad
Regular sms.

She can only text Apple devices.

In parental controls there's an option of "communication limits" where you can limit them to just texting contacts. So removing other contacts will limit who she can text.

You could also look into one of the safe messengers made for kids and have her dad also install that.