DD is socially off and refuses help

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 10:11 am

Teenage DD is lacking basic life and social skills. She would walk around dirty but says she doesn’t care. Is messy and unorganized. Not great socially. Is not very interested in friends and the few that she does have she doesn’t treat right. For example, wouldn’t offer guest a drink, wouldn’t reciprocate nice gestures, wouldn’t do small talk when it’s appropriate and would rather just stand there very awkwardly. She has great middos so this is not all coming from a bad place. She’s either has high functioning ASD or is just very quirky. The problem is that she refuses any type of help. She’s happy and content with her life. What is my responsibility as a parent? I so badly want to give her the skills she’s lacking but she’s just not being receptive. Anyone have such a child and has suggestions or chizzuk? TIA

amother

Zinnia

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 10:27 am

My DD has similar struggles and then some. Its very hard.

Thankfully I found her a really good therapist (counseling) who understands the importance of A. building a good relationship first, so my dd wants to be theren and B. Helping her understand why social and other skills will serve her.

Can you talk to her about how people need to function well in society to be successful at life? This applies in so many ways.

Does she know what she wants to do when she grows up? Whatever it is, she will need to work with people.

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 10:52 am

LovesHashem wrote:

How old is she? She might change you know. Does she want to have friends at all?

She’s fine with one or two friends. She’s not all that social in the first place. She’s 15. I can’t see her changing without guidance. Which she refuses.

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 10:53 am

amother Zinnia wrote:

You’re lucky she agreed to go for therapy.

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 10:54 am

Chavas wrote:

For everyone reading this, please deal with social issues early in a child's life.

It’s sometimes not noticeable until they’re older. When they’re younger certain behaviors can be labeled as age appropriate and not be worrisome.

Rappel

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 10:58 am

This is where animal assisted therapy really comes in handy.

When done right, the animal becomes a mashal for what a person needs.

How do you interact with the animal so it will trust you? So it will like you? Why does the animal need to be clean, exercise, play, socialize? What would you like to do with the animal, and how do you convince it to do it?

A good therapist will make it a safe space for DD, and give her a place to open up and talk things out

amother

DarkYellow

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 11:01 am

Chavas wrote:

For everyone reading this, please deal with social issues early in a child's life.

It's not unusual, particularly with girls, for this to not really become evident until preteen/early teen. That's when the structure that supported all these things- hygiene, social, etc falls off and natural teen opposition kicks in. Without any internal need, inclination or talent for any of it, and along with various hormonal physical shifts that start to require added body upkeep, things become evident. And this makes the social piece worse (both because they may look unkempt and because they don't care about the new topics of conversation now) and it all feeds on itself.

IME, your best shot is to get her into a therapeutic setting on another pretense. Talk to her about all teens needing a place to go and talk that isn't their parents. If possible, look for a setting that offers a perk- an art therapist for an artsy girl, for example. Maybe it gets her out of a chore or family responsibility.

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 11:01 am

Rappel wrote:

So interesting you say that. I always thought she’d be amazing at taking care of horses. Unfortunately in the city I live in this is so far from our reality. We’re lucky if we see a squirrel. Maybe I can research camps that have animals on site.

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 11:03 am

amother DarkYellow wrote:

Great food for thought. Thank you!

amother

Zinnia

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 11:13 am

amother OP wrote:

You’re lucky she agreed to go for therapy.

It wasn't easy. We started young, and she had a bunch of therapists she didn't like so she didn't like, so she wasn't interested in another one.

I took alot of talking, explaining, validating her frustrations, (and likely bribing) to get ber to be ok with it. And I told that of she doesn't want to continue after a few sessions, she won't have to. (There's nothing to lose saying that, because psychotherapy won't work if she doesn't want to be there)

And of course choosing a therapist that knows how to build relationship

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 11:22 am

amother Foxglove wrote:

I know it sounds strange, but homeopathy can help with these issues. I've seen it myself.

I’ve tried it unsuccessfully for other issues with other kids and myself in the past. Waste of money IMO but happy it works for you.

amother

DarkYellow

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 11:31 am

The other thing I've found that helps is a friend who is interested in what she is interested in and who she can relate to, who also is socially on. Of course, you can't make this appear out of thin air.

If your dd has a particular interest that has social value or could, definitely encourage it- I know girls who have no patience for their hair but make the most beautiful gift packages, for example. Even if it doesn't, as long as the interest doesn't come with major pitfalls, I'd look for a group that focuses on it. A live one, not online, and frum, with girls you'd be ok with her hanging out with. Drive to the next town if you need to.

You help build her confidence, which is likely taking a hit even if she isn't showing that to you. And you increase her social circle amd the likelihood that she will meet someone she can relate to who can also be a good social role model. And you help prevent her from joining more problematic social situations, including online ones.

amother

Ebony

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 6:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

Here in Lakewood they offer animal therapy, if you can stay here a few weeks that may be an option.

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 7:40 pm

amother Ebony wrote:

Here in Lakewood they offer animal therapy, if you can stay here a few weeks that may be an option.

I can’t see how I can pull a kid out of school for this but can consider it for the summer. Is there a website where I can check it out?

amother

Foxglove

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 8:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’ve tried it unsuccessfully for other issues with other kids and myself in the past. Waste of money IMO but happy it works for you.

Was it constitutional homeopathy?

Rappel

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 9:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

Horse therapy is amazing, but there are other kinds. Dog training is also really great. You might be able to find a petting zoo in your area. Basically, Google it; you may be surprised what's available in your area