Bullying victim: is there always a reason?

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 12:04 am

DD has recently started high school and has become a victim of bullying. The school is aware and she has started working with a therapist to teach her how to deal with it but she’s struggling (as am I) to work out why it’s happening. While never a popular girl, she’s always had a small group of friends and was always friendly with everyone and vice versa. She says it’s been such a shock to her to be so low down the pecking order in the class.

We’re trying to determine if there are any social skills that need to be worked on but all feedback so far has been that she’s adorable, mature, well spoken and no one can tell us anything out of the ordinary.

As an aside, she was having trouble with one girl from her old school (a girl who also hasn’t made any new friends) who was following her around constantly but hopefully that has been dealt with now. Not sure if this would have something to do with it.

So my question is: are these things just random? Or would there be a reason and we just need to dig deeper? It’s so painful to watch Sad

She has a school trip coming up in a few weeks and she’s desperate to have it sorted by then but the therapist said it will take a long time...?

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 1:52 am

Papers can be written on this topic, and probably have been.
Let me be clear before I start and say that it makes no difference as to whether there is something that the victim needs to change to prevent bullying. Bullies must be dealt with quickly and harshly. I ABHOR when the administration focuses in on the victim and what they need to change. That is a totally separate issue.
But..
I believe there is something in the victim that makes them attractive to bullies. Either a lack of confidence, a yearning to fit in, being alone...
Yet some shy, socially off children find their group and don't get bullied.
And some stronger children might find themselves bullied.

Good luck to your daughter.

amother

Cyan

Fri, Jan 05 2018, 8:39 am

I used to be bullied.

The first thing to know is that it's not the victim's fault. Your daughter could do a million things differently and still be bullied. It's like being abused - the problem is with the abuser, not the victim. Same her - the bully is the one with the personality / skills problem, not the victim. What kind of twisted world do we live in when someone gets harmed and people think it's her fault? I'm not saying I have no character flaws or weak skills - but none of these means it's my fault that someone else is harming me - anyone who is harming other people has more problems than I do, and me improving my social skills would never fix someone else's desire to harm me. That's the bottom line: fixing your daughter's problems will not fix the bully's problems.

It is absolutely the school's responsibility to prevent bullying - they are allowing harm to come to your child and there is no way that is acceptable. Many schools have a zero tolerance policy, though sadly many religious schools seem to think it's totally fine to keep a kid in school who is harming other people.

You need to make the school take responsibility - that if the bullying behavior doesn't stop, then the bully needs to be kicked out. Period.

As someone who was bullied - it ruined my life. I was suicidal at 15. The school didn't do anything. My parents took me the therapy, but therapy doesn't stop bullying (just like therapy doesn't stop abuse). There needs to be total cutoff, and as the parent, it's your responsibility to make sure that the school makes this happen. Get the police involved if you have to, or a lawyer. But as a parent, you can not allow your child to suffer like this - it is unimaginable how much impact it has on your life. Even after years of therapy during and after, even after having zero contact with the bully for 18 years, it still affects me today.

invisiblecircus

Fri, Jan 05 2018, 9:18 am

amother wrote:

DD has recently started high school and has become a victim of bullying. The school is aware and she has started working with a therapist to teach her how to deal with it

Teach her how to deal with it? What are THEY doing to deal with it?

amother wrote:

We’re trying to determine if there are any social skills that need to be worked on but all feedback so far has been that she’s adorable, mature, well spoken and no one can tell us anything out of the ordinary.

It sounds as if the only social skills that need to be worked on are those of the bullies. I hope you have at least had an acknowledgement that their behaviour is "out of the ordinary" and some kind of reassurance that something is going to be done about it.

amother wrote:

As an aside, she was having trouble with one girl from her old school (a girl who also hasn’t made any new friends) who was following her around constantly but hopefully that has been dealt with now. Not sure if this would have something to do with it.

Is this girl being bullied too? Were the 2 girls friends at their old school? What kind of trouble is your daughter having with her?

amother wrote:

So my question is: are these things just random? Or would there be a reason and we just need to dig deeper?

No they're not just random. There is always a reason, but it's everything to do with the bullies and nothing to do with your daughter. The bullies would be bullies wherever they were. Whether your daughter is bullied or not depends on whether or not she is unlucky enough to be surrounded by such people.

mommish613

Fri, Jan 05 2018, 9:26 am

Hugs OP.

Most bullying comes from an issue with the BULLY not the victim. I love how another poster compared it to an abuse victim. It's really the same idea. Yes, some kids are easy targets for whatever reason and they should learn methods to cope and deal with bullying BUT that is secondary to the first and foremost source of the problem which is in most cases ALWAYS the bully.

unexpected

Fri, Jan 05 2018, 10:27 am

We are dealing with bullying in dds class as well. What I see is that the kids who are "socially off" are sometimes bullied but the kids who are somehow a threat to the bully are targeted even more. Your daughter should not twist herself into a pretzel in order to not be whatever the bully is afraid of. That's ridiculous. The school needs to work directly with the bully and report back to you on what is being done so that your daughter understands that everyone is working towards making school a safer place for her.
If the school isn't helpful then you need to switch your daughters school or keep her at home until the bullies are dealt with. Reach out to other parents in the class. Even if your daughter is the only one being bullied, every single child in the class is affected by this. In our situation, we actually sent in a petition signed by more than three quarters of the class parents and that finally worked.
Hatzlacha!

nechamashifra

Fri, Jan 05 2018, 11:33 am

While I agree that bullies should be dealt with and that it's not the victim's fault, there will unfortunately always be bullies (at school, at work, and in the world), so teaching our kids how to stand up to bullies does not mean we're blaming the victim. it means we are empowering the victim, giving her tools so that she knows what to do in the situations where she comes across a bully.