How to sensitively speak to dd

amother

Thu, Nov 16 2023, 9:24 pm

I just found out that my 10 year olds teachers young daughter passed away pretty suddenly. The school didn't say anything yet but I heard from a few sources. I didn't speak to dd yet as she has a hard time sleeping in general and this will make it worse for her. The teacher wasn't in school the last couple days and dd is hoping she comes back soon. I need to tell her tomorrow morning as the news will be all over by then and she will hear in school.how can I speak to her in a way that won't scare her?

B'Syata D'Shmya

Fri, Nov 17 2023, 12:43 am

Baruch Dayan HaEmet, I am so sorry. What a crazy predicament you have and of course in most cases its better to hear from you then at school. The above source is amazing.

Not knowing your daughter (or you), I would imagine you really are the best to answer this question.
No matter how you tell her, expect an emotional response and be prepared with hugs and tissues.

I assume you are 100% sure the information is true, because once you tell her, expect her to discuss it at school to those whose mothers may not know or be able to deal with it.

You can make sure she knows that it has nothing to do with her, or anything she may have ever said or done or thought and its not something she has to worry about. Its her teachers nisayon and Hashem gave her teacher this neshama whose life only needed to be a short time in this world.

There is a well-known mashal of a bus ride where you ride the bus to your destination and even as people get off at earlier bus stops - doesnt mean they didnt reach their destination, just that their destination was before yours. Her teachers daughters destination came and her neshama is where it needs to be. We daven for Moshiach which we know comes before techiyas haMaysim and we believe that we will see the neshamas who were returned to Olam Haba will live again.

In the meantime , focus on that which is in her control, we can do mitzvot for the neshamas benefit and encourage your daughter to give tzedaka, dedicate learning Torah or do a chessed in the zechus of the neshama,

May you only have Bsoros Tovos to share with your children from now on.

amother

DarkYellow

Fri, Nov 17 2023, 8:48 am

In school I had teacher whose child died during the school year. It was heartbreaking. Best to just open it simply, you have sad news and tell her gently that the person passed away and their neshama went back to Hashem. I wouldn't elaborate any more then, I would give lots of hugs, hold her while she cries if she cries. Tell her any feelings she has are normal, including down feelings like sad or angry, or even happy feelings if they come up. Then ask her if she has questions and let her questions lead you conversation. Most importantly, one conversation is just the start, you should talk to her every few days for a few weeks at least. It takes time for them to process. I had so many questions that came up later but didn't want to ask then, so having you as the parent follow up is very important.

So sorry for your loss.

mha3484

Fri, Nov 17 2023, 10:13 am

I agree with Darkyellow. I had to tell my then 7 year old that his friend was niftar and I basically said what she said. He asked a lot of questions and I answered with no drama. I also worked really hard to not project my own feelings on to him because kids process death very very differently then adults do.

amother

Fri, Nov 17 2023, 10:15 am

So I spoke to her this morning. The first question she had when she woke up as if her teachers coming today. I told her I don't think so. She said why? Because she's sitting Shiva? Someone called me last night to tell me the news and she heard part of the conversation. Since we were at supper. I didn't confirm anything last night because I needed more details and to make sure it was true before I told her. I told her very gently that her teachers older daughter passed away and it's very sad. She had thought that her teacher's cousin passed away for some reason so she was shocked it was her daughter. I told her I wanted her to hear it from me because I don't know what kids in her class know or don't know. She took it very well. She asked me a few questions. Unfortunately in the last few years she's heard of a few children passing away so unfortunately it was not a new concept for her. (We had two neighbors whose children were very sick passed away, and somebody else. I know child was hit by a car last year)
I told her I don't know if the school's going to speak to them but I don't want her to be the one spreading the news in school because I don't know if everyone's parents spoke to them.
I'm not sure how the school's going to handle it yet. I know somebody else who to speak to the principal last night and they asked them to tell their children at home so they don't find out in school.
I also told my daughter I'm not sure how long her teacher is going to be out for.