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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
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amother
OP
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 Tue, Apr 16 2024, 6:44 pm
I have a relative who has 2 children a bit older than 2 of mine. She gives me hand me downs from time to time and she loves doing it. She goes on and on about how happy she is to be passing on the clothes. Truth be told, often the clothes are very worn out and out of each bag she sends me, I find only a few usable items.
We can afford to buy our children clothing which we do but I appreciate hand me downs to supplement their wardrobes. Sometimes I get from my friends, sometimes my friends get from me. It's not a tzedaka thing, it's practical.
Today I came home from shopping for pesach and there were 4 garbage bags of hand me downs. She left a message that she just pesach cleaned her kids' room and she took everything that didnt fit them anymore and dropped it off. Happy Pesach.
I opened the bags, it literally looked like someone dumped random things in a garbage bags, tights, worn out shoes, underwear, some shirts, skirts, pants, mixed sizes, also some ripped and stained. I was so ticked off, I literally took the entire bag and just threw it out.
My husband thinks I should send her a thank you text and be grateful. Personally I thought it was rude to drop off bags of clutter at someone's house less than a week before pesach.
What do you think?
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amother
Oatmeal
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 6:45 pm
Honestly, I'd feel bothered by this. You're not her garbage dump.
I'd tell her that you don't need hand me downs from her anymore.
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amother
NeonPink
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 6:48 pm
I think she did it with good intentions but I agree with you. At this point its too late to dump your rejects on someone else.
Had she given you a small bag with clothes in perfect condition in your kids sizes that would be a different story..
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amother
Bellflower
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 6:49 pm
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I would thank her and say something along the lines of being tight on space or that your kids really don't like hand-me-downs so feel free to pass off to someone else who may benefit more in the future.
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amother
Pewter
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 6:49 pm
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You should not thank her. People used to do that to a clothing gemach here in Lakewood and they started putting out ads letting everyone know how wrong it is. Time is money and it’s not okay to give people garbage and expect them to sift through.
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amother
Daisy
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 6:55 pm
Hashem treats us the way we treat others. We dump our sins at Hashem and He forgives us. You are doing a cheses to her by taking it as she has a hard time throwing them out. It's not pleasant getting worn out things, but to her it's sentimental her kids used it, all the memories.
May Hashem continue showing you with abundance of money and good life.[I]
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amother
Trillium
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 7:20 pm
I have a neighbor that has a child a year older than mine and keep having bags on my door at the end of each season. I was not amused for a variety of reasons
1) she would give old, used, and abused clothes from cheap companies that were worn.
2) she would give clothes at the end of each season, like hi, what am I supposed to do with shorts and tees in October?!?
3) our kids wore the same size so what was I supposed to do with clothes that were outgrown by the time she gave them?
I thanked her multiple times and hung the bags back on her door.
A different neighbor shared that I should simply throw out her bags. She is unable to throw items out herself and we should help her do so.
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amother
Quince
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 7:24 pm
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And here I thought only my sil did things like that! My bil was so embarrassed. A PP is way more tolerant than I was. I couldn't credit sil with good intentions. The good stuff went to her friends-- she was either stupid enough or nasty enough to describe to me the things she gave her friends-- and the dregs went to me, from where they went into the garbage after an hour of trash-sifting that I'll never recover. After the first time I politely declined to accept anything from her. It came as no surprise, and generated no grief, when she became ex-sil.
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amother
Honeydew
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 7:27 pm
Take the high road
Just thank her and tell her you don’t need or want hand me downs anymore
Like you don’t have room for it
Which you don’t
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zaq
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 7:27 pm
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Unless she's very poor and this is the best she can do, it's rude. You knew it but you wanted someone else to say it, so I did. You're welcome.
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amother
Tomato
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 7:30 pm
I have similar situation with a sil. My husband got very upset last time he saw the bags and said no more of this we can afford new clothes. Still haven’t told sil anything other than thank you. 
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unnamed
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 7:32 pm
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Anyone would hate that. Direct her to your local textile recycling drop-off point. Don't thank her or there'll be more coming your way.
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amother
Catmint
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 7:32 pm
She's rude. Why is she sending old underwear and socks?
Gross.
I volunteer at a clothing gemach and have to sort through the stuff- people literally give gross stuff. Why would they think giving odd pairs of socks and underwear and pimply sweaters is OK?
"Hi thank you for the stuff. BH we're good for clothing now, so I am not interested in the future. But maybe try donating to pick purple or X"
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Light1234
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 7:36 pm
It sounds like she means well and doesn't know any better. Maybe she was raised with lots of hand me downs and honestly thinks you'll love it.
It's so annoying. I know.
But I would thank her and move on.
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B'Syata D'Shmya
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 8:03 pm
| amother OP wrote: | I have a relative who has 2 children a bit older than 2 of mine. She gives me hand me downs from time to time and she loves doing it. She goes on and on about how happy she is to be passing on the clothes. Truth be told, often the clothes are very worn out and out of each bag she sends me, I find only a few usable items.
We can afford to buy our children clothing which we do but I appreciate hand me downs to supplement their wardrobes. Sometimes I get from my friends, sometimes my friends get from me. It's not a tzedaka thing, it's practical.
Today I came home from shopping for pesach and there were 4 garbage bags of hand me downs. She left a message that she just pesach cleaned her kids' room and she took everything that didnt fit them anymore and dropped it off. Happy Pesach.
I opened the bags, it literally looked like someone dumped random things in a garbage bags, tights, worn out shoes, underwear, some shirts, skirts, pants, mixed sizes, also some ripped and stained. I was so ticked off, I literally took the entire bag and just threw it out.
My husband thinks I should send her a thank you text and be grateful. Personally I thought it was rude to drop off bags of clutter at someone's house less than a week before pesach.
What do you think? |
Since you never told her that most of her hand me downs are unusable, she had no way of knowing. I am sure her intentions were good.
You should def tell her that now that your kids are growing older you really appreciate the stuff in good condition. Anything torn, stained or worn out - she should give to Goodwill, Salvation Army, or the like as its too much of a job for you to sift through the clothes. You would appreciate the good stuff but please, you are too busy to go through 4 large garbage bags and have no where to store them.
Please try not to be angry at her, she meant well but - well - good intentions....
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amother
OP
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 8:49 pm
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I do think she has a hard time throwing things out and giving them to me makes her feel better. Up until now it was just an annoyance but I almost framed it like a chessed (accepting her bags). Today just felt like a total chutzpah- it's less than a week before pesach- don't dump your garbage here. Or at least message and ask me if it's a good time to brings things and I would have said absolutely not.
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DrMom
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 9:06 pm
It's clothes, not chametz.
If you can actually use some hand-me-downs, sort through it and see what is salvageable, donate the rest.
If you really don't need any more hand-me-downs, just tell her so you won't get more.
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amother
Peony
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 9:23 pm
We also pass along clothes between cousins in our family. And I’ve done it with friends as well.
Most of the time I love it.
But what she did was not right.
I’d return it if I were you. Saying something like thanks for all the clothes but BH we’re already all set for this season and I don’t have space to store extra stuff at the moment.
Most of the time it’s great, I love having extra clothes for my kids on top of what I buy. But we only pass along stuff that is in good condition. Often my sil will give me a bag of things, I’ll go through it, take what I can use and return the rest, for her to throw out or give to someone else.
My sisters love coming home from out of town, I keep the clothes in good condition from my son and their boys love shopping in the closest at Bobby’s house 
But as I’m clearing their closets there are always a few piles - throw out, keep, pass on, keep for family.
It is rude to just give someone a bag of everything mixed together.
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amother
Teal
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:01 pm
Was she passing you things she took out of he kid’s closet because they didn’t pass muster or things she would put on her child tomorrow if it still fit? If this was something your child had new last year or earlier in the season and still fit, would you toss it or would your child continue to wear it.
Maybe you have higher standards than she does?
I would never pass something I wouldn’t put on my child or myself, but maybe I have lower standards. Maybe because it was in my closet and we wore it last week it is still good enough for me this week.
I don’t think people say it’s garbage in my opinion, let me dump it on someone else. They say I wish I could still use this. It brings me joy. Unfortunately it no longer fits, I would love to share it with someone else and let them have the joy from it.
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tichellady
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Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:41 pm
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It is rude but her intentions may be good. Some people see value in thing that are garbage - she may actually think you would enjoy this stuff, but she is delusional
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