Do you cry easily?

Zehava

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 6:45 pm

nchr wrote:

Little kids I would just say it's ok, shah shah, that's enough, you're fine. Older kids I'd ask them if they think crying is going to be beneficial in any way or help out with the cut and obviously they know it will only make it worse by working them up so it usually stops the crying. My 6 yr old just had stitches on his leg and DH told him the dr was so proud of him for not crying and my son didn't understand why because he said that crying would have only made it harder for him to stay still. BH it wasn't serious. I also had tremendous pressure (from myself) to quietly give birth but after the first time it was no big deal. Once you realize it's not beneficial everything is different. But then again people are different too.

In regard to loss r"l and none of us should experience that I'm pretty sure everyone handles that differently and I don't think there is something wrong or disgusting about being calm, still, quiet, screaming, crying etc. unless it continues on excessively or maladaptively.

My heart breaks for you and for your children. You’re not a bad person but here you are perpetuating the cycle of abuse and neglect.

amother

Slateblue

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 6:55 pm

Ok everyone stop bullying. As long as she doesn’t yell or hit her child to make them stop crying who cares?
As a child and through high school I barely cried. Now I cry more. Usually it’s when I am getting tremendous pressure that makes me feel like I am not good enough or that there is no way I’ll succeed at whatever it is the person is pressuring me about. I guess self esteem issues. Or about nidda (but that is a hormonal time of month) Or if I get into an argument with DH.

I am an HSP but not sure it’s related to my crying. Speaking of which - I see there’s a lot of HSPs here - can anyone recommend any good books or practices or clips that tell you how to not let it ruin your life?

amother

Orchid

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 7:05 pm

I'm very into giving my children emotional intelligence but I'm not a crier, dh isn't either, and my children also don't seem to be. I don't think it's a bad thing. It's a different way of handling life. We are more into naming the problem, describing what we feel, and problem solving. If my kids needed to cry, I'd give them time to but I can't remember it ever happening.
I always hear people say it's unhealthy not to cry but I don't really relate to it. Maybe I release differently.

Zehava

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 7:09 pm

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

Yelling and hitting isn’t the only kind of abuse there is

amother

Cyan

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 7:19 pm

Zehava wrote:

Yelling and hitting isn’t the only kind of abuse there is

Calling it abuse is very harsh. She's a loving mother. She can work on being more validating, she can do some more reading about healthy expression of emotion but she's not abusive.

Zehava

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 7:25 pm

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

Calling it abuse is very harsh. She's a loving mother. She can work on being more validating, she can do some more reading about healthy expression of emotion but she's not abusive.

I believe she means well. I believe she was raised with emotional neglect as well and learned to shut down from a very young age. But the fact is that raising a child like that is neglectful and abusive. They will grow up emotionally stunted and repressed just like her. They will struggle with an emptiness inside of them. They will struggle with attachment and relationships. So much pain can be avoided by simply holding space for our children.

amother

Fri, Jul 17 2020, 7:52 pm

Zehava wrote:

This. So true and so well-said. Thank you for explaining it better than I could have.

LovesHashem

Sat, Jul 18 2020, 4:43 pm

Zehava wrote:

Agreed

mommy3b2c

Sat, Jul 18 2020, 11:46 pm

Zehava wrote:

This. Every word. I don’t think she means to hurt her children. She just doesn’t know better. And the cycle continues....

keym

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 12:21 am

This whole topic is so timely as we enter into the Nine Days.
First of all, I read Eicha, read the Kinnos. The descriptions of crying of wailing of tears pouring down the face. It doesn't seem to me to just be poetic.
Not that I'm on the level of crying for the Bais Hamikdosh. But I feel like I should at least.

I heard a lecture once on child development, fascinating. The takeaway was that from when a child is born, as much as possible, to verbally identify the feeling that is promoting the crying.
Esti is crying. Esti is so so hungry, that's why she's crying.
Moishy is so frustrated because he wants the red ices even though there is no more, that's why he's crying.
Yossi has a booboo. His knee is bleeding. It hurts. That's why he's crying.
It doesn't shame the crying, but hopefully help them learn not to get stuck on the excessive crying when possible.

The last thought I had was a memory when I was 17 at my father's levaya. By the time the levaya came, I was all cried out. But I remember feeling a level of revulsion that all my friends were sobbing while I wasn't.

amother

Mustard

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 10:52 am

amother [ Orchid ] wrote:

Not needing to cry is different than not allowing yourself or your kids to cry. The first is just your nature, the latter is just sad.

amother

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 10:55 am

amother [ Mustard ] wrote:

Not needing to cry is different than not allowing yourself or your kids to cry. The first is just your nature, the latter is just sad.

This. As a kid I was criticized for crying so I trained myself not to. Not being allowed to express my feelings has really affected me emotionally. Now as an adult I am slowly (very slowly) getting used to the idea that I’m allowed to cry.

nchr

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 11:44 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You mean not being allowed to cry right or negative emotions? Not all feelings involve crying. Were you not allowed to express gratitude either? Just trying to figure out why people lump crying with all emotions.

Zehava

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 11:49 am

nchr wrote:

You can’t cherrypick which emotions to feel. If you shut down pain you shut down happiness too. It’s all or nothing.

nchr

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 12:00 pm

Zehava wrote:

You can’t cherrypick which emotions to feel. If you shut down pain you shut down happiness too. It’s all or nothing.

I believe OP when she says she has struggled because of this, but I wonder if it is not because of society determining that she "should."

Crying is not an emotion; if anything it is an expression of an emotion. Not crying if it disturbs others is an act of empathy. Not crying doesn't mean not being sad or not being upset, but just not crying. Why is it that "not crying" is somehow negative while not yelling is praised as healthy behavior when yelling is also a form of emotional expression. I do not like yelling either and DH and I have been careful since day 1 to never yell at each other or our children and BH that is working. Would you say someone becomes damaged or cannot feel happiness because they were taught not to yell when angry? Besides for extreme emotions shouldn't most things like sadness or anger just last until you solve the issue anyways?

amother

Beige

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 12:06 pm

BH Yom Yom wrote:

Anyone else relate to feeling shame when others see your tears, even if they are nice about it? I dont want to see

Definitely. I posted upthread that lately I've been having unexplained crying fits during the night, but I'm generally not a crier. Unless I'm at a funeral, I would be mortified if someone saw me cry. I feel like it makes me vulnerable, and people would think I'm a crybaby. My mother cries easily, and she cries in front of everyone, and as a kid, I found it very embarrassing.

Zehava

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 12:09 pm

nchr wrote:

I believe, and it’s been proven, that emotional expression of any kind, including anger, should be able to be expressed and released in a healthy way.
Sometimes that can mean yelling. Yelling can be very cathartic. Raging can resolve an emotional flashback.
When my child comes in and starts throwing objects I validate his anger and give him appropriate options to release it, such as punching a pillow, hitting the couch etc.
When I entered therapy the first thing the therapist tried to do was get me to feel angry.

Last edited by Zehava on Sun, Jul 19 2020, 12:10 pm; edited 1 time in total