Dear Shame | Imamother

PinkFridge

Sun, Aug 01 2021, 1:51 pm

Hugs OP! I'm going to take the plunge and say, shame for shame's sake isn't what we're after. It has to motivate us to change. If it's not productive and is destructive either reframe or shelve for now.

iyar

Sun, Aug 01 2021, 2:06 pm

Op what gave you the idea you’re supposed to feel shame?
I’m a little confused by your post.
It’s said that the sign of being from the children of Avraham is that we’re רחמנים, בישנים וגומלי חסדים. That middle one means we have an innate tendency to be shy but not necessarily that we have to be shy all the time. It’s a trait we have that we have to work with, and feeling shy isn’t the same as feeling shame.
בושה, shame, is a feeling we’re supposed to have after we sin, but even then the feeling we’re supposed to hold onto is חרטה, regret, which is not the same.
Every emotion can be used in the service of Hashem. Every emotion can be channeled to something productive that can help us grow. Even עזות (defiance, chutzpah) can be used to our advantage and under the right circumstances we’re told to be עז כנמר. (Only in the case of ga’ava, pride, are we told to go to the opposite extreme to stay away from it. )
I’m not saying you should never feel shame (or ashamed) but no emotion should be allowed to make you feel that stifled and to prevent you from moving on with your life.

PinkFridge

Sun, Aug 01 2021, 2:15 pm

Iyar, what you wrote is beautiful but we're coming into Tishrei, where we see "ani maleh busha u'chlima." It is a real feeling. But the idea in RH is, Hashem, You are so big, and I'm so small and finite. We're not supposed to wallow in it.

iyar

Sun, Aug 01 2021, 2:21 pm

You’re right PF. I didn’t think of that. Tishrei!
But we say - harei ani lefanecha ke’khli malei busha u’chlima. Lefanecha. Before You Hashem. When we stand before Hashem we do feel tiny and insignificant before Him, or we’re supposed to. I don’t think we’re supposed to carry that feeling of shame into our day to day routine and don’t think we should feel that way interacting with any basar ve’dam human.

PinkFridge

Sun, Aug 01 2021, 3:20 pm

iyar wrote:

And we need the right framework for standing in front of Hashem with our inadequacies.