DD lying | Imamother

amother

Tue, Jul 04 2023, 7:19 pm

DD age 5 began lying all the time. She comes home every day with stories from her morah that never happened. I don't know how to differentiate between the truth and the lies at this point, and it's becoming hard for me to know when something serious happened at school or not.
I spoke to her about it, but I'm not sure what else to do.

Can some more experienced mommys give me advice?

amother

Yolk

Tue, Jul 04 2023, 7:23 pm

Take her stories at face value. Show empathy and concern. She's looking for something from you by telling you this tale. See if you can give it to her in a healthy way.
Wow that sounds really scary! Oh my it must hurt to see a friend treating another not nicely. Come let me give you a hug. Keep in mind that every lie a child tells has a truth behind it, and different lies signal different truths.

Also state requests instead of asking. Instead of did you brush your teeth which she can answer any way, say come brush your teeth. If she says she did say I know you wish you did already but we need to go to the bathroom now, come with me.

amother

Aubergine

Tue, Jul 04 2023, 7:25 pm

Not uncommon at age 5 to conflate pretend and wishful thinking with what is
Don’t label her a liar or the behavior as lying

If you are concerned something serious happened at school check in with her morah without saying dd is lying just say u were confused about what May be going on and checking in

amother

Honeysuckle

Tue, Jul 04 2023, 7:26 pm

So first of all I think it’s pretty age appropriate to lie. I wouldn’t be nervous about it affecting her as she gets older. But if you don’t even know what’s true or not and it’s affecting YOU, then an idea I e heard before, and I don’t know if it would work on a 5 yo, is, whenever she says ANYTHING whether it’s, we went swimming today by camp, or I’m hungry, or I want to go to the park, you can say haha that’s a silly joke. You’re not saying the Emes again. Eventually she’ll get so frustrated that she’ll stop lying.
As I was typing this up, I’m thinking I can’t imagine it working on a 5 yo though. It’s for an older kid I think

amother

Tue, Jul 04 2023, 7:28 pm

amother Yolk wrote:

Brilliant. She usually doesn't lie in our day to day conversations, it's more about her coming up with stories that never happened.

amother

Tue, Jul 04 2023, 7:30 pm

amother Aubergine wrote:

True. I do understand it's age appropriate, so I'm not super worried. It's just so frustrating since I used to know exactly what went on by morah and now I feel like I don't know what to take seriously.

I feel stupid asking the morah about things - like I'm this dumb first time mom lol.

amother

Aubergine

Tue, Jul 04 2023, 7:40 pm

You dont have to call the morah
Just ask dd if something really happened or pretend
If she says real and it is serious then say oh so I should really call morah about that
If it’s not true she will tell you not to call morah
And if she says it is true and it’s serious then without being alarmist tell her you are calling and you should call and ask and check it out
Some kids do come home with creative stories and generally it is a phase that passes

amother

Coral

Tue, Jul 04 2023, 8:12 pm

amother Honeysuckle wrote:

whenever she says ANYTHING whether it’s, we went swimming today by camp, or I’m hungry, or I want to go to the park, you can say haha that’s a silly joke. You’re not saying the Emes again.

That sounds dangerous. What if she is telling the truth? You’ll really rupture your relationship.

amother

Honeysuckle

Tue, Jul 04 2023, 8:28 pm

amother Coral wrote:

That sounds dangerous. What if she is telling the truth? You’ll really rupture your relationship.

I’m the one who wrote that. I wrote it as an idea I’ve heard. I personally would never use it and for sure not for a 5yo. I actually wrote that I don’t think it’s meant for that young, but I did hear it from a professional who said that is the way to get someone to stop lying. And that’s the point. That she is telling the truth but you’re saying oh you always tell lies so I can’t believe this either. I heard it in context with a teen who is always lying and the professional told her friend to do that. Not sure about a parent, even for a teen

mushkamothers

Tue, Jul 04 2023, 9:32 pm

amother Honeysuckle wrote:

I'm wary about this even for a teen but would definitely say don't do this for a little kid where it's still developmentally appropriate

Kids lie because-
1. They want to avoid consequences (I didn't do it)
2. The fantasy sounds nice and they want it to be reality (my tatty is a fireman)
3. They're still living between fantasy and reality ie testing the boundaries

Just take everything at face value, you can also ask as someone said, did this happen in real life or do you wish that it did
And avoid blame and creating opportunities to lie by making statements - I see dirty hands. not, did you wash them

amother

Burntblack

Tue, Jul 04 2023, 11:09 pm

My oldest dd was around the same age doing the same thing. I asked her morah at the time for advice on how to handle it. She explained that a child this age isn’t lying she’s stating what’s true to her in her imaginary world. To the child it feels very real and true. To handle it we started asking dd if a story was the “real emes” or her “imagination emes.” She would respond accordingly. This way we weren’t accusing her of lying or invalidating what she held as true in her imagination. We found this to really work. The stage passed and she wouldn’t be caught lying now at age 10.

amother

DarkRed

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 3:07 pm

amother Burntblack wrote:

Bump
Dd still doing it at age 8. She told me she has a certain part in a play but then I watched her perform and she didn't have that. I asked her why she said she's having that part she tells me but I did. You didn't see me? Her fantasy and imagination keeps going. Any tried and true methods to help her stop this?