How do you know your parent loves you?

asmileaday

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 5:48 pm

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

By the way, if you are one of the oldest siblings, it's a big chessed to tell your younger siblings about how much they were loved when they were little. I tell mine about how cute they were, stories about their toddlerhood, how my mother played with them and loved them as babies, etc.
Because sometimes the memories can get lost through the years and it's a shame. Why not make them feel good and give them the knowledge that they were always loved since they might only remember the chaotic or dysfunctional times.

And you can do this to your own kids as well when they are older.
My 9 and 11 year old love when I tell them the story of how tiny they were when they were born, how we kissed them up and loved them and all the cute mischief they did when they were younger. They listen with wide open ears and a light in their eyes. It's so satisfying.

amother

Rose

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 7:29 pm

asmileaday wrote:

Definitely.
I find that kids watching home videos of themselves when they were babies is very emotionally filling. Practically therapy for a moody child.

amother

Babyblue

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 9:51 pm

I have never thought about this question until I became good friends with someone who was never loved by her parents. Even today, I would be hard pressed to put into words how I know for sure that my parents love(d) me, but when I talk to my friend who grew up in a loveless home, I know for a fact that I was loved.
To be clear, my family had "issues". Lots of them. My father was a difficult man, at times abusive to my mother and unfaithful well. But ironically, he always made me feel like a star, always believed in me, and always told me how much he loved me. I attribute my great sense of self to him (even while I grew up not being able to respect his value system.) Both of my parents are extremely generous. We always knew we could count on them.
My mother is the type to always think of what we might need, even before we realize we need it. If one of us is sick, she will call many times a day to see how we are doing. When we come to her house, she stocks the house with whatever we need, and makes sure to make our favorite foods. If you ever told her you like a certain food, you are stuck eating that forever because every time you go there, she will have that food for you!
When I was in camp, my mother would send me cards every day, and care packages for shabbos.
Do all these things necessary show love? I dont know. But, I never doubted their love for me. I think I just took it for granted that all parents love their children and would give their life for them. My in laws are the same. But when I speak to my friend who grew up in a home where her mother hated her very existence , I see that unfortunately it's not always the case. (BH, my friend is able to be an amazing parent, with the help of intense therapy and tremendous self work. )

amother

Taupe

Fri, Jan 31 2020, 2:09 am

My father valued my opinion way before my opinion had much actual value. He'd listen seriously when I shared my ideas about global warming or gun control even back when I was six years old.

He was always willing to help me learn new things, and as long as I was making an effort he had seemingly infinite patience. He loved learning, so this was also his way of sharing the things he loved with me.

He seemed to genuinely enjoy talking to me in general. We had lots of inside jokes. (He had different inside jokes with my sibling, and different shared activities.)

In general he was always willing to share his time, and he treated me like someone he genuinely enjoyed spending time with, not just someone he happened to be responsible for.

I didn't connect with my mother as easily but I did know she loved us. It was a little trickier because there was more of a distance there. She was very much in the parent role, with less joking around or conversations about serious topics.

But she always said she loved us, she always made sure we had whatever we needed and most of what we wanted, too. If I needed to talk to her I knew she'd find time to listen. As I got older and spending time together was harder (because my parents divorced and I wasn't always at her house, and also longer school hours) she'd do things like meet me during her lunch hour.

So in general she took care of me, expressed love verbally, and was willing to listen.

Tzutzie

Fri, Jan 31 2020, 10:40 am

I knew my father loved me because he would find excuses to be in my company.
He'd say stuff like, "can you help me with this project? My finders are too big and wide, your little fingers will reach better"
He is super handy and would fix almost anything in the house proffesionally.
All thruought my childhood and into adulthood, this was a theme. Once when I was already a mother I jokingly made him aware that my fingers aren't as small anymore...... he pretended not to hear.
When I started wearing beige (in my school that starts in 9th grade, I was so excited and I showed it off to him. He instinctively responded "why is that neccesary?" He wouldn't talk about it anymore. I was a bit hurt and very confused. But soon (as in a few minutes. Not when I was older or wiser. Haha) realized he didnt want his baby to grow up just yet! And it took him by surprise. He wasn't an impulsive person who'd usually respond so instinctively... And he sounded defensive too. Lol. Oddly enough, when I came to that realization, I felt really loved.
Till today it's one of my most cherrished memmories of childhood.
He never told me he loved me.
He didn't hug or kiss me from when I can remember. I'm sure he did when I was a baby.
But he'd take me on his lap till I was waaaay too old to sit there and if I had a bad dream he'd let me sleep in his hed when I was waaay too old to do that. (Or I felt too old. Lol - We'd go head to feet)

Tzutzie

Fri, Jan 31 2020, 10:45 am

asmileaday wrote:

My kids are 4 and 6. They never get bored of hearing about their antics as toddlers.
They have learned to even see how cute they are at this stage.
My 4 yo laughs at herself when she miss4pronounces a word and will laughingly struggle to say it properly.

amother

Teal

Fri, Jan 31 2020, 11:06 am

Tzutzie wrote:

But he'd take me on his lap till I was waaaay too old to sit there and if I had a bad dream he'd let me sleep in his hed when I was waaay too old to do that. (Or I felt too old. Lol - We'd go head to feet)

I went to my father's bed with every nightmare till I was about 10. It was the safest place I could think of Smile

I'm feeling his love, just thinking about it Smile

thriver

Fri, Jan 31 2020, 11:31 am

My mother would always say, “do you know why I’m (fill in the blank: buying you this/cooking this etc.)? Because I love you!” I do that with my kids too. My mother also always told us how beautiful we are. I make sure to do that for my kids too. So important to hear that at home so kids don’t go looking elsewhere for confirmation and love.

Tzutzie

Fri, Jan 31 2020, 11:49 am

thriver wrote:

We do that sometimes.
2 days ago my kid was being super difficult the entire day. Very impulsive, explosive and kept hurting her siblings.
Finally in bed 2 hours past bedtime. She yells out in a very sad voice, "I was soooooo wild today!"
I asked her what she meant (I wanted to see if she is aware of her behaviours. She is. But at that age I wonder how in control she is. Anyway...) and we had a whole discussion about taking stock of your actions and trying to do better and there is always tomorrow.... then I told her I'm proud of her for acknowledging she made a mistake and I know tomorrow she will try again to be kind to her sister... and I love her today just the same as I loved her yesterday and I will love her tomorrow, and next year and next decade cuz shes my kid and I'll always be her mother. Blablabla.
She wanted to know if when she gets married if ill still be her mother and if ill still love her. And if when im old and walk with a cane and even after I pass on if ill still be her mother then and still love her LOL

I tried explaining to her that once hashem gives someone a child this child is always theirs. And they will always love this child no matter what....
She can't wrap her head around the idea of permanence just yet. Lady

WitchKitty

Sat, Feb 01 2020, 11:48 am

2 things I'll never forget that my mother did for me:

1. When I was 14 I was in a performance the school made. My mother had child #9 5 days before. And she still came to watch me.

2. When I was 10, I took one look at my math homework and started crying. This was after chumash h.w., navi, science, etc. more was just too much, and I had a temper tantrum refusing to do homework anymore.
When I opened my notebook in class the next day, fully expecting to get punished for not doing my work, I fought the math problems all filled out neatly in my mother's handwriting.

When I was a teen and had doubts about my mother's love, I always remembered those two times.

SuperWify

Thu, Feb 06 2020, 8:58 am

Wow, this thread is making me warm inside.

My mom is easy- sure she has a sharp tongue and we heard it but she balanced it out with lots and lots of compliments, hugs, I love yous, your awesome , I’m so proud of you ect. Even though I’m 1 of many we always got our time alone. She took to me to art lessons every Sunday for years because she saw I am talented. I sometimes wonder if it was her utter belief in me her little artist that made me talented.
This year I finally presented her with an oil paint after years of waiting for me to make her one. She’s over the moon with excitement.

Till today her face lights up when I come home and she’s always complimenting my skills as a wife and mom. Just yesterday my sister texted me-

😂😂😁😁yeh I know you!
You’re one rockstar 🚀🚀🚀
Mommy is literally obsessed with you, she’s always saying how cute you are!😁🙄🙄(I feel my middle child syndrome coming on)

Thanks, Mom!

My father isn’t a mushy man (today I can accredit that to my emotionally distant grandparents) but I still knew it. He would sit and learn different things with me, even gemarah after I claimed it was unfair women couldn’t learn. He’d give me time every night even if it meant he had to explain things he wasn’t comfortable talking about. I remember how he translated besulah into a unmarried girl and I said, “no, it’s a virgin. And I know what that means.”

And he said, ok fine, a virgin. 😂

amother

White

Thu, Feb 06 2020, 9:03 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

Yes and no.
Not having a parent's love can be very detrimental in allowing a child to develop their own self love.
I mean, if a person's own parent doesn't love them, why on earth should they think they are lovable????
It takes a lot of work to get out of that rut and build a healthy self esteem and self love if a person wasn't gifted that head start from his or her parents.

Not only that, but when you don’t feel loved by your parents, it’s often difficult to know what love is at all. I still struggle with it. I don’t think my father is capable of loving. My mother didn’t show much love, presumably due to the abuse she suffered from my father.

As I got older, especially as a mother, I know she loved me by the way she would never name call us, never make us feel like terrible human beings, never made us feel guilty over things that were beyond our age, never sent mixed messages etc. Difficult to explain, but when I see what kind of behavior is normal even in normal homes, I know it took beyond human strength for her to give us a healthy home in her (and our) difficult circumstances. But she definitely never said I love you (my father didn’t allow her to when they were married), never hugged me or showed affection.

Through her sacrifices I learned what true love is. But the feeling of love, the expression of it, is still very foreign to me.

amother

Firebrick

Thu, Feb 06 2020, 9:29 am

This thread is making me cry.
I was never loved by the people around me as a child and young adult.
I love my children to pieces and its so hard to do it right. but I am in therapy and trying really really hard. I hope one day my children will say all the beautiful things you are saying.
There is no greater accomplishment I can wish for.
I had a grandmother that loved me. but I was raised far away from her. but whenever she could she would buy the world for me just because and spend time with me just because, It is from her that I learnt the little bit I know about love.