SHOULD I BE UPSET????

amother

Wed, Oct 12 2011, 11:37 am

Hi I am newly married and have a baby 5 months old and working full time 9-6. So naturally I am always busy with the baby, making supper when I get home, and life is very hectic B"H. I am going to my parents for the first days of yuntif and my step mother (fathers wife) who I do have a good relationship with asked me on monday night if we can share the cooking and if I can make a main, a side and a dessert. Dont get me wrong I am always one to help out, I always offer to bring desserts and things like that and growing up I was really a huge help in the house. But now that I am married, working full time with a little baby, I feel it was very rude for her to ask me this. Like when am I supposed to find the time to cook now for yuntif? Even though its only a few things, when your busy with a baby, a few things is alot! And we are guests- its not like she asked me to make a dessert- she said she wants to share the cooking! I want to know what you think- if this was wrong for her to ask. Again I am not trying to look for problems, I am not that kind of person I just feel like its rude. Do a lot of mothers ask their married daughters to bring food for yuntif?? What do you think???

little_mage

Wed, Oct 12 2011, 11:50 am

Are you going to be cooking together (in the same kitchen at the same time) or splitting dishes (each cooking in your own home)? If the former, it sounds like she just wants to spend time with you, and maybe the 12 year old could watch the baby, espeically since you'll be right there if anything goes wrong. If the later, maybe she really does need some help preparing six meals, especially since she also needs to make sure the house is clean for the guests and preparing the sukkah. Also, could your husband help, either with the cooking or watching the baby while you cook? Since my husband is gone during the day, he frequently wants to play with our little one while I'm doing other things anyway. Plus, you don't say how complicated these need to be. Coat some chicken with salad dressing or BBQ sauce and stick it in the oven for an hour. Make a pot of rice and cover with a prepurchased sacue or buy a mix (Near Eastern has some tasty ones that I'm pretty sure are kosher). For dessert, bring some fresh fruit-you could probably even buy it pre-cut-and maybe some sorbet or a store bought cake. Yes, these are slightly more expensive options, but they will save you a fair amount of time.

Raisin

Wed, Oct 12 2011, 11:52 am

I don't think it is necessarily rude to ask (I guess she likes your cooking Smile

) but it does seem a bit late notice to make so many things.

assuming you are chul there are 6 meals the first days and you are being asked to make part of one meal.

btw there are many people who work full time, have more then one child and are hosting guests this yom tov. So many people are going to read this and think you sound a bit spoilt or immature. In ten years time I am sure you will be coping well with many more things on your plate. having said that many busy working mothers start cooking weeks in advance becasue that is the only way they can get things done.

mommy#1

Wed, Oct 12 2011, 11:54 am

You are guests. You should not be forced to make any food. But your parents are not forced to invite you either. I think it's a perfectly normal request, and if its hard for you, you can maybe ask if she minds if you just bring a dessert, or whatever you feel comfortable with. But a pet peeve of mine is that YOU ARE NOT AT A HOTEL!
Admittedly, I didn't cook anything for this sukkos, but I did for Rosh Hashana when I went to my mother, and she had the choice whether to use it Rosh Hashana or sukkos. I don't always cook for every yom tov I go away, but I try to bring something. Think of it this way; your stepmother has to cook for 6 days, 12 meals, not counting chol hamoed.
I'm sorry if I came out strong, I just think the attitude of we are guests so we don't have to do anything is wrong. But you can definitely tell her it's hard with your baby, can you just bring one thing

Faigy86

Wed, Oct 12 2011, 12:01 pm

No, you should not be upset. It seems that she had different expectations of what it meant to have you for yom tov than you did. You were looking for a break, she was hoping for family who will share the burden and the celebration. If it doesn't work for you, you should be able to tell her that you are feeling overwhelmed as it is and you were hoping that it would be a break and can you just be a guest. But, no, there is no reason to be upset that the two of you had different expectations.
Hope it will be a restful Yom Tov.

Fox

Wed, Oct 12 2011, 12:01 pm

For whatever reason, it sounds like she got in a little over her head. It could be any number of things, so if your relationship is otherwise good, I would be dan l'chav zchus. I know it probably seems like her life is much less stressful than yours right now, but every age has its challenges. I'm probably close to your stepmother's age (50), and I'm constantly surprised to find that I just don't have as much energy as I did 20 or 30 years ago! Plus, many of us are starting to encounter the minor but chronic health issues that come with middle age and menopause.

Here's how I'd solve the problem: A main dish and a side dish = chicken made in the same pan with potatoes. A dessert can be a Duncan Hines cake made in the same oven. I'm estimating about 20-30 minutes prep and a total of 1 hour cooking time. If that's not up to your usual standards, you can mention that you hadn't planned ahead of time, and so your options were limited due to your schedule.

mha3484

Wed, Oct 12 2011, 12:07 pm

If I couldnt bring something, I would make it my business to be super super helpful on yomtov itself. I would be sweeping, setting the table making the salads so whoever my host was could recover from the pre yomtov insanity.

StrawberrySmoothie

Wed, Oct 12 2011, 12:16 pm

You are absolutely right! How rude of her to ask!! I would say don't go! Stay home and make yomtov yourself- its a whole lot better than making 3 dishes for someone who is expected to do it all for you!! Rolling Eyes

In all seriousness, I do not understand what the big deal is. Do you know what is going on by her now? Maybe she was sick and at the dr a lot this week? Maybe someone just called up and invited themselves for the meal and she needs a whole lot more food now? Maybe something came up that is just none of your business?

Get over it. It's 3 dishes. Not food for 6 meals.

bigsis144

Wed, Oct 12 2011, 12:23 pm

StrawberrySmoothie wrote:

Raisin wrote:

I don't think it is necessarily rude to ask (I guess she likes your cooking ) but it does seem a bit late notice to make so many things.

assuming you are chul there are 6 meals the first days and you are being asked to make part of one meal.

btw there are many people who work full time, have more then one child and are hosting guests this yom tov. So many people are going to read this and think you sound a bit spoilt or immature. In ten years time I am sure you will be coping well with many more things on your plate. having said that many busy working mothers start cooking weeks in advance becasue that is the only way they can get things done.

Well said.

sarachana

Wed, Oct 12 2011, 12:48 pm

the fact that she doesn't understand your circumstances and stresses is not rude, so she asked and you can't. So you need to tell her so. Say, I am so sorry but this is too last minute for me and I have way to much else going on. For the future please ask me earlier since I would love to contribute. And then offer to BUY desert.

If you say/do some of the responses on this thread your going to make matter much worse and the relationship will get tense.

g'luck and hope you have a relaxing and enjoyable Y"T!

SplitPea

Wed, Oct 12 2011, 1:05 pm

I kindov think you are being spoiled. she asked you MONDAY NIGHT... that gave you monday night tueday and wednesday to cook. baking chicken or a roast is NOT hard. throwing together some rice and a make is also easy. she is having you for 6 meals help out a little. I work, have a 1 year old, and 8 months pregnant AND am having guest. You learn to make things that are easy and don't take much out of you. she is family and its not unreasonable to ask a married woman to help with the cooking. I think its spoiled of grown kids to go to their parents and be waited on. You have no idea what all is going on in her life right now. She just might have more on her plate than you! As you get more kids you will learn to cook a whole YT in 3 hours with kids running in between your legs if needed. Its a skill you might as well learn early.

Btw I also have a problem with FAMILY having the "I am a guest" mentality. you are FAMILY therefor you are not on vacation. You are there to spend the chag together. Sweep, clear the table, take out trash as needed, DON'T expect free babysitting while you nap unless its offered... If you don't wanna help out and be part of the family stay home Smile

amother

Wed, Oct 12 2011, 1:16 pm

Honey I work full time have 6 kids under the age of 8 and am pregnant. Yes I know since last year that I will be home this whole yom tov so I was able to make plans and prepare weeks in advance but believe me between yesterday (after coming home from work at 5 and taking care of the kids supper, bath, bedtime and this morning) I did 2 Mains, 6 Sides and 2 desserts..So she is not asking for something not normal.
I do understand you more then most others as I also have a Step mother. We dont feel comfortable going to her for yom tov so we pop in for dessert on chol hamoed to visit my father. I even bring something then too.

So please dont be upset at her. Enjoy your yom tov she really didnt ask you to do something very not normal

ElTam

Wed, Oct 12 2011, 1:40 pm

I also think you should be DLKZ. She has to do laundry, clean the house, etc. It doesn't take that long to make what you asked. Monday night doesn't seem so late. It sounds like she is just also overwhelmed.

Don't let it ruin your yom tov.

obagys

Wed, Oct 12 2011, 1:49 pm

There is nothing wrong with her asking you to make & bring along a few dishes. I understand you are busy, but to feel upset and angry because she wants you to help? Really? You yourself say you are "always one to help out"...yet when it's requested, you come on here looking for validation to feel upset with your rude step-mother. Charming. Either you do have some sort of issue with her that you haven't let on about in your post, or you are immature and need to grow up a bit.

notshanarishona

Thu, Oct 13 2011, 3:12 pm

I think its normal to expect married kids to help in the meals (especially for a 3 day yom tov). If its too hard for you you can always say no but not every parent has the physical capability to do all the cooking/cleaning/hosting for a yom tov.