Going through shidduchim homeschooled

DrMom

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 9:48 am

nchr wrote:

Yes, it is. You can always supplement at home. When in Rome, do as the Romans. If you want to teach your children Chinese, do it at home, in private, and don't talk about it in public (nor should your children). Although in reality, while I am comfortable keeping a lot secret, I'm not sure I would want my children to do so. I just want them to be like everyone else, even if they are Chassidish and their mother is college educated. I hope my children will never know I am college educated - so far no one does -so I guess it is working. And I don't necessarily want my children to go to college, unless they decide that on their own accord as an adult, and deal with it themselves. As for spouses, I'm looking for calm, unemotional, logical, quiet, intelligent, frum people who dress and behave like everyone else, at least in public - what they do in private is not my business as they are adults.

What's so shameful about knowing Chinese?

I'd be very impressed with someone who homeschools their kids. What talented potential mechutanim!

So glad I am not in any way involved in the shidduch system. It seems to encourage the most boring, conformist potential partners for one's kids.

Aylat

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 10:31 am

I'm so surprised at the negative attitudes to homeschooling on this thread. I follow some blogs and vlogs of homeschoolers and I love the excitement and variety they put into their children's education. They are passionate and dedicated.

I don't homeschool but it's something I've considered. Some of my kids are thriving in their schools, others not so much. Not because there's something wrong with them as another poster implied, but because traditional schooling (long periods sitting at desks, listening to lecture-style lessons, filling in worksheets) is not a good match for their personality.

OP, I wouldn't see homeschooling as any kind of red flag, but I might not be your community type.

Bruria

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 10:33 am

nchr wrote:

I think it's sad you feel the need to hide certain things, like your education.

You know you are different, are you comfortable living this way, hiding who you are?

Aylat

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 10:38 am

nchr wrote:

I would reject that shidduch because homeschooling is not necessarily compatible with my ideology, especially fitting in and not being different, which is maybe one of the most important hashkafos to us. However, not everyone feels the same way. If you support that ideology, then it helps you eliminate those who would not be a proper match for your child anyways.

Interested why this is an important value to you. Asking respectfully - this is so different from my values and perspective that it's difficult for me to understand.

nchr

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 10:46 am

dankbar wrote:

nchr if you live in a community where bikes are not allowed for boys, but you are on internet & you went to college thats not conforming that's hiding & conforming only outside as a disguise

Right.. You did read my posts, right? I don't care about what you do in your private life, but don't involve your children and keep it private. You cannot keep homeschooling private and it involves exposing your children to ideology that is not mainstream. I also come from a family where conforming is very important and, as an adult, my mother invited me into her private life, which none of the other children are aware of. That being said, my siblings are the nicest, most amazing people BH. My mother is so proud that many of her children chose frummer paths than her (I.e. wear shpitzel instead of a hat) and are so ehrlich, but really. Most of us are just like our parents, but I'm definitely the only one who would be different behind closed doors (I.e. college, work, other stuff), but I wouldn't know because I'm sure my siblings, like me, would hide it. I don't want my children to go to college - use the internet - etc. If they do, as adults, that's not my business, but I hope that if they choose to live in our community, they at least keep that private. If my child chooses a different path, that is ok too; however, they shouldn't be like some of those who were once frummer and then show up to weddings wearing inappropriate clothing (if my secular co-workers can figure out how to dress - so should they) because that is just nonsensical to me on an intellectual level as well.

dankbar

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 10:58 am

nchr the reason why you see people living
in your community who were frummer ( conforming to community rules & norms) and then going lower & dressing inappropiately is just because they felt boxed in, in the community. With all stringencies sold as halacha, kids being thrown out of school if you move an inch away.
The reason you might not feel so boxed in, is because you do your own thing in private.
Children that witness this, get confused. One way of living at home, another way is being branded at school. If they don't know ok.

amother

Lilac

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 11:07 am

Wow so many reactions. My husband takes the boys which are more capable out of Yeshiva and gets chavrusahs for them. Usually at around age 16,17. He has his reasons which I won’t get into. Yes, some didn’t want to get involved with us because they didn’t learn in a Yeshiva setting. They were told by their Rav not to get involved, but all went on and married nice girls from nice families. There was a reason my husband didn’t send them to Yeshivas and when we explained it, most gave us a chance. But again many looked down at us and wouldn’t make a Shidduch because of that.

Bruria

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 11:23 am

nchr wrote:

I don't see it as hiding. If your school has a uniform, but at home you like to wear jeans are you hiding who you are by wearing a uniform to school?

I got the idea that you are embarrassed about having an education and that you are in a place where it's frowned upon, so you pretend not to.

It's a much bigger deal than what you decide to wear in the privacy of your home.

dankbar

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 11:37 am

[quote="Bruria"]I got the idea that you are embarrassed about having an education and that you are in a place where it's frowned upon, so you pretend not

If she would live in a different community she would be proud of her education. In her community she's afraid she will be ostracized, thrown out of community or children will be thrown out of school if anyone finds out.

Btw many chasdidishe girls are openly getting an education in frum programs like Touro & getting jobs as headstart teachers. It's not what it used to be anymore in chassidish circles

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 11:38 am

nchr wrote:

I don't see it as hiding. If your school has a uniform, but at home you like to wear jeans are you hiding who you are by wearing a uniform to school?

You arent wearing jeans at home. You took your jeans and hid them in the attic.

I wonder if one day you won't feel resentful and stifled yourself, that you took all your idiosyncrasies and repressed them. After all, you seem to be a unique person. You grew up in a super conformist environment, and yet you decided to go to college, surf the net, become vegan.

And now you are desperate to hide all this so your kids won't feel 'special' or different. You almost seem to see being special as a curse.

As your kids grow up, and as you grow older (I'm going to assume you are probably under 35), you might feel growing dissatisfaction with the stifling of your uniqueness. I just hope you aren't getting entrenched in such a conformist community that it will be too late to ever express yourself again, without major repercussions.

Bruria

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 11:44 am

[quote="dankbar"]

Bruria wrote:

I got the idea that you are embarrassed about having an education and that you are in a place where it's frowned upon, so you pretend not

If she would live in a different community she would be proud of her education. In her community she's afraid she will be ostracized, thrown out of community or children will be thrown out of school if anyone finds out.

Btw many chasdidishe girls are openly getting an education in frum programs like Touro & getting jobs as headstart teachers. It's not what it used to be anymore in chassidish circles

Yeah that's why I wonder, since there are so many frum programs.

nchr

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 12:54 pm

dankbar wrote:

I'm not commenting on people dressing differently. I'm commenting on the lack of respect and common sense to not dress differently at a wedding. This is also why my children will never know what I do differently (I.e. I tell them I am a secretary for totty at his office, which they are not allowed to go to because there is a computer, etc. versus my actual career)

Bruria wrote:

I'm not embarrassed at all. I would just literally be ostracized, as would my husband and children. So no one, not even many of my siblings, need to know. However, I love my community, agree with its customs/minhagim/hashkafos/etc. and I like conforming to it and I hope my children will just be like everyone else and not need to hide things (and if they do hide things, then that will be their decision).

pesek zman

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 12:58 pm

nchr wrote:

Am I the only one who finds this entire dynamic extremely troubling? Actively lying to your children? Lying? How is that consistent with Halacha/hashkafah?

nchr

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 1:00 pm

pesek zman wrote:

Am I the only one who finds this entire dynamic extremely troubling? Actively lying to your children? Lying? How is that consistent with Halacha/hashkafah?

Because adults lie to children all the time. Do your children know what goes on in your bedroom at night? About the mikvah? About doctors? They should be concerned with age appropriate issues and not adult ones, especially when it involves something that makes them different than their peers.

Why should my children suffer because I was born with an urge to have a career frowned upon by my community? There was a thread the other day about a child not being accepted into school because his mother wore black tights - why should that kid need to suffer? His family is part of a community that clearly has an issue with that, and the mother should conform. If her urge to wear black tights is so great then let her wear them in secret, without her child knowing. Let her store them in an office, or storage facility, not her house.

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 1:13 pm

nchr wrote:

Sorry, adults do not lie to children all the time. Where did you arrive at that conclusion?

Children do not ask what goes on in the bedroom, and adults are under no obligation to offer that information. When children/preteens learn about s@x, if they ask 'do you do it', then most adults would just reply that it's private/personal. They wouldn't lie and say never, not me.

About the mikvah? Again, that's private, personal, and not the kids' business. Although many moms might try to avoid lying by saying they are going to run errands or something general.

Doctors? I don't lie when I go to the doctor, but like with mikvah and s@x, I don't offer more information than is necessary.

In any case, s@x, mikvah and some doctor visits can be seen as private stuff, things you don't share with your colleagues or neighbours. But your CAREER??? That is not something private, that is a part of your social role.

I really wonder what your kids will think when they discover you've been deceiving them all along. Because one day they will discover you have a degree and a career. They will find out you are not 'totty's secretary'.
If I were your dd, the lesson I would learn from that is that it's perfectly ok to blatantly lie, to present one face to society and do something else on the side. Don't be surprised if your dd continues with this tradition once she finds out (and she will find out. Things like a degree and a career will be discovered one day).

If you don't see the difference between telling your kids about your s@x life and telling them you have a career, then you have lost your bearings.

pesek zman

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 1:21 pm

nchr wrote:

I don’t volunteer where l am (for example) mikvah night. But I don’t LIE about it. Mommy where are you going? Mommy has to go take care of something. That’s all she needs to know. Not to mentiok that Halacha dictates that mikvah is kept private. Big difference between what we do.